environment can affect children?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Jan 21, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    good morning,

    i've been posting alot lately hey this is what it's here for, right? lol........i'm just frustrated today as most days.

    the situatoin i'm currently living in isn't the right one for us. i had posted a very long post the other day explaining where i've been what's occured with my duaghter, etc.

    i'm living with my boyfriend not through choice because i spent way too much money last year on out of pocket doctor's trying to diagnose her, cut my work hours to be more accessible and basically got booted out of where we live.

    i've tried keeping the peace where i am just so as not to affect my little one who is going to be 9. yet it's hard he yells at me everytime we try to communicate about anything at all. i've noticed that once he yells at me raised voice even because my tone is usually very low and calm she flies into some sort of obsessive episode over just about anything. i've explained to him repeatedly my need to keep a calm household for her. he can't seem to control himself. he's not abusive or anything, none of that's gone on. he just lies about everything under the sun and i've learned that he is not the one, i made a rash decision based on lack of finances and no family or friends willing to help and i will be getting out of this as soon as i can up my credit score, save money, etc.

    he lies about woman that he talks to, and texts i do not believe that he is cheating yet at this point it doesnt' even matter. point is he lies and lies and lies some more.

    it is so very possible that she is being affected now by this, isn't it? it hasn't always been like this but lately it has been. he got upset at me yesterday morning for something and i said to him ther'e sno reason to get loud just use your words and express how you feel yet he flies off hte handle quite alot. she hears it and gets mad at me blaming me for it i try to explain to her that i am sorry that sometimes people loose their cool, etc.

    i need to get out of this i have now realized more than ever and with help of a few members here that thsi is not a proper environment for my little girl who struggles everyday wtihout the pressure of hearing his big mouth.

    i would like some help with this transition. i'm working with my therapist weekly, yet we all have these children, the children of which we work daily with try to be patient with, etc. her pediatrician pysch says that change right now is very bad for her, yet listening to her mom not be able to communicate with another adult in the house hold is not good for her, plus it is teaching her bad interaction skills which she has trouble with to begin with.

    i've actually thoght of moving into my friends for a while, but that would be two transitions one from here to there and then to a place of our own. like i said it's not an unsafe place there is absolutley no physical violence or abuse he'd never do that. yet emotionally it's not good for her.

    what do you think? keep trying to keep the peace till i get out, or move out to a friends to contain things then move again? i dotn' want to worsen her symptoms she is the absoloute most important thing to me and my other daughter.

  2. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Hi Jennifer,
    I know changing things arounsd a lot can be hectic, but if your friend is going to provide a calmer atmosphere I would go for it. Kids pick up on things even when we don't think they do. Your daughters can sense the tension where you are. I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan - but one thing he said stays with me - everytime kids hear argueing or raised voices it changes who they are. I was in an abusive relationship with my difficult child's bio dad and I can tell you that the yelling changed me as an adult - imagine what it does to little ones who already have problems of their own. I know the thought of moving must be overwheming, but from everything you've said the past few days I would suggesting getting the heck out of dodge! Moving in with this guy may have been the right choice atthat time - but you now know it is not working. It sounds like you're not thrilled in being there either. If you move your girls will get a better sense of calm from you too.
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    My son's therapist said something to me about yelling changing how something in a kiddo's mind works. I can't remember the particulars.

    Your daughter already has soooo much anxiety. The current home environment coupled with the transition may have her feeling very insecure which is going to lead to more anxiety. Also, if she has any sensory issues, yelling could set that off. My daughter puts her hands over her ears over any loud sounds - including yelling - and literally curls into herself. She completely shuts down.

    I think people are predisposed to their particular issues and quirks and environment can work with or against those things.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Jen -

    YOU said <quote> he's not abusive or anything,<quote> but then said just before that - HE yells a lot at me.

    Honey - VERBAL ABUSE IS STILL ABUSE. Simply put - you ARE being abused, and your children are seeing HOW the man talks to the woman - and in years to come whether you want to accept it or not, whether you think you can beat the system or not - your girls will SEEK OUT men just like him ..BBBBBBBBBBBECAUSE - they saw you do it and it will be thought of as NORMAL behavior from a man. Thus perpetuation of the generational abuse cycle continues.

    The cycle of abuse CAN CAN CAN STOP with you - but you can't remain there. Sorry to say that - wanted to tell you earlier, but I know you are dealing with so much already.

    I would like to suggest to you, since you seem open to answers about environment affecting your girls - that you find a local domestic violence shelter and seek counseling through them in group or individual. They will be able to share with you through experiences WHAT abuse is = and this goes back to me telling you to figure out WHAT YOU WILL AND WILL NOT tolerate.

    If you weigh the situation
    - yes he provides a roof
    -but she' providing a poor example of how a man should behave in a relationship

    -yes you watch his kids and yours
    -but you're being upset by his "extra cirricular" affairs is painted on your face and the children see it daily.

    -yes you have credit card bills and payment
    -so you think there is NO WHERE else to go but there -

    and I gotta ask you - is it worth is? For you, for the example and turmoil it causes your girls?

    My vote is no hon - plain and simple.

    Is any house perfect?
    Nope - but is the one your in a temporary situation?
    If it is - then what are you doing to remedy that? Plans to move on your own? YOU CAN do it.

    If you think that you can CHANGE HIM - you are very wrong. His house, his rules, he pays the bills and HE is going to and has a right to behave HOW EVER he wants in his own home.

    Is it right? Not when little kids are involved - and now you know the difference, and KNOW that environment and stress CAN make your daughter react. So what can you do? When people say kids need stability - THEY MEAN IN A HOME, IN A PARENTS MENTAL HEALTH, IN A THERAPIST - IN A SCHOOL....everyone thinks kids are just SO resilient - and they aren't. They are kids - they have limited coping skills and when they feel cornered, trapped, anxiety, anxious, nervous, scared, traumatized - they ONLY HAVE how many ever years on this earth that they are (age 5,6,7) to draw on what they have seen adults react to in similar situations AND their own limited coping abilities. Thus when the overflow of stress attacks them - they withdraw and tend to teach themselves self-taught coping skills.

    These are awful, habit forming behaviors that take years to correct if left unchecked. And a lot of times - the Mom or Dad are trying to recover from their OWN disasterous life - and aren't ABLE to see that their kids are struggling - because lets face it - when it's YOUR broken finger - it hurts worse than your friend calling and telling you about her broken hand!

    Kids aren't mini-adults - they will mimic what they see, and they HEAR more than you will EVER give them credit for. They can look like they are engrossed in TV while you are arguing with this man - and they DO hear it - they're just trying to block it out. So - REGARDLESS of you saying "Don't behave like that!" because they see MOM and DAD accept those behaviors - and parrot them, sometimes to a t. And with your kiddo - she's already been through a divorce, a move - and these alone are stressful - so when people are saying these kids need stability and consistency - they are talking about what YOU are going to provide them for life.

    I hope there is something in this post that makes what I'm trying to say logical - If I were your friend face to face - I would tell you to start finding ways DESPITE your credit card bills - to get a house/apartment/government subsidized home - and GET OUT.

    I'm not living your life - true. But you aren't living it either. You are existing - and that is just not any fun. You HAVE to have fun in your life. Your KIDS have to have fun. They deserve to have the best Mom you can be!!!!! YOU deserve to BE the best person you can be, and know what you will and won't tolerate!!!! in the long run you'll be happier, have healthier respect for good solid relationships, and SOOOO will your girls. There are places out there that will help you get out of the abusive situation you are in - and on your way to a life where YOU are in charge and YOU aren't yelled at for no reason and YOU don't have to live in a home with a man like your S/O. You just have to be willing to take a breath, maybe lower your dreams to realities, and jump. - It's always easier to stay in the situation you're in knowing what to expect each day: arguing, upset, infidelity, lies then it is to strike out on your own and vow to have a life where you and your kiddos are living - it's easier to say only because it's predictable -

    It's not easy - And sure - sometimes the road is so hard you'll wonder why in the world you ever left to begin with - but it IS worth it. Ask any NUMBER of women here who used to be in a similar situation - and you're going to get quite an earful.

    An earful with the best of intentions - never demeaning or judgmental. I don't judge because I was judged - and I don't judge because I don't want to be judged either.

    So take what you can from this reply - and do what is best for you.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do you qualify for low income housing (around here the apartments/homes are really NICE) or special services? IF so, I'd use them. You need to get out of there for your sake as well as your kids. Star is right. He's abusive. All I can say is, get out, get out, get out.
    Good luck.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i can only imagine what you guys must think. yup i gotta leave with-o a doubt. he yells at me and then tries to make up for it doesn't scream obsenities or anything and yup normal arguments are acceptable yet this isn't.

    i made a decision mos. ago due to financial factors, i've been trying now for while to figure it all out, tried renting a few places yet the credit score stopped it from happening.

    shelter isn't the answer at all, this i know. but it's complete bullsh*t that my little one who already has anxiety has to listen to any of his cra* to be very blunt. it's his problem. certainly not mine or theirs.

    kids are so funny though, they hear him get upset with me and i know he would never hurt me been in one of those twisted situations younger out of blue boyfriend decided to get physical and well let's just say i beat him up......

    anyway i tol dhim today sorry no longer a stable environment for my people. yet my kids will gravitate towards him after he yells at me as soon as he does soemthing nice, either taking us to breakfast, etc. amazing.

    so i'm going to call my friend tonight it's just out of district his house while i get up on my feet he's hte only one who i know would consider taking us in. i just didn't want to confuse her more by placing her in different situation again. until we finally get a home base.

    yet if i bring up anything of any importance to him because running a household together requires conversations it usually ends with him yelling at me. he looses his cool quickly as i said.

    i'm not going to have my kids continually seeing that even if it's just 3 x a week 3x too many. tried low income housing i make too much. problem is i'm not at work reg. due to rin's behavior as of late. so i['m not truly earning what my yearly income is.

    let me repeat i'm not getting hit i dont want you guys to worry that is what's going on. yet you are correct yelling at me and not being able to handle ones self like an adult isn't acceptable. he tries to push on me that it's the situatoin with rin and dealing with it with me that's throwing him over the edge. the most he's done is sat up a few nights with us, and listened to me vent a few times.

    anyway so that's that.

  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    oh and i forgot to say thanks, sorry. just he's home today and it's been hard for me with the little one. we have five kids today and i have to stay even and calm.

    he gets upset as soon as he thinks i'm disconnected from him, which is ridiculous. so i have to put on a show of sorts.

    so wish i hadn't depleted all my money last year the way i did.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Moving is on list as one of the Top 10 biggest stressors a family can face. However, verbal, mental & emotional abuse are far worse and that's exactly how you're being abused.

    Verbally, mentally, and emotionally. And guess what? So are your kids being abused in the same manner.

    Thank GOD there is no physical violence, but sometimes words leave harsher wounds.

    Emotional Neglect - that's why I moved my kids out of my old house almost 17 years ago, away from my exh. It was very hard, I went on welfare for a while, received federal aid for health coverage, education for free, financial assistance for food. I felt ashamed, humiliated and embarrassed. I felt, "Oh My God - this is SOOOOooooOOOOo not me!" ASAP, I got back on my feet. My dds' happiness is what I lived for. I was determined to provide for them a home, a family home, in which they felt secure, had their needs met and were happy.

    Do my girls have emotional scars from the moves (there were 3 total)? I really believe that all the goodness in their lives has virtually obliterated the scars from that time in their lives.. I KNOW that it was difficult for them, but I protected them, showered them with love and played with them, hoping to make up for it. I think in small ways it has.

    I think they are they better off with those small residual emotional scars as opposed to growing up with a depressed set of parents who never spoke, never laughed, never hugged, never shared or enjoyed one another, and never slept together. I think they are way better off and I have never ever regretted getting my kids out of there.

    We underestimate the strength and determination we have within us as well as the amazing resilience of our children. You love your children and they love you, they trust you. Now trust them. With your love for your children involved in every aspect of their day and knowing that their mom is working towards something great for all of you, I think they will survive the moves.

    Reach out to your local Womens shelter, the YMCA, YWCA, Catholic Charities, your local church, find the social services office nearest you and see what you're eligible for.

    Hugs and much luck! I will be thinking of you!
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I just hated to read that you didn't want us to worry because he wasn't hitting you or anything. HE IS ABUSING YOU. Period. flat out. Emotional and verbal abuse can leave much more painful scars than physical abuse. You can't "see" the results of emotional or verbal abuse the way you can see the effects of physical abuse.

    The reason the kids gravitate to him is simple. When a child is in an abusive situation they will be extra nice to the ABUSER. They want the abuser to be happy so they do more of what the abuser wants. They HOPE and PRAY that this will work. Because if it doesn't, does that mean they are not worthy of a calm home, worthy of being loved?

    I lived some of this. My bro would do almost anything to start a fight, and if he could get mom and dad to fight each other it was extra special for him. I spent many many many hours as a child curled up into a ball, hugging my Kanga or my cat, praying it would stop. I was very much upset by the fights, and I did everything I could to try to keep the people most likely to fight (dad and bro) happy.


    Catholic charities, other churches' charities, Social Services, Domestic Violence help, whatever you can find.


  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I had a long "sisterly" post all written out. All of it was informative, and some of it was a little okay a LOT straight forward, but all was done with the idea that if you want to continue to believe that your boyfriend is not abusive, controlling, and manipulative - there is little I can write to change your mind. I know - years ago - I lived through alot to get as wise and sage about situations like yours (and mine) and I've paid a very dear price with my life, and my child's behavior.

    It took more years for me through therapy to STOP making the same mistakes in relationships I had up to my marriage. I vowed each time I left an abusive boyfriend, that the next one would be different. And ...it never was. I married the most abusive man I ever knew. I stayed in the relationship trying to "keep the peace" for 13 horrible years. I brought a child into the world and into that dysfunctional house and "hoped" I could "Appease" him and calm him and keep him from doing drugs, yelling, seeing other women - I LOVED him. I was going to CHANGE him. I was going to BE that ONE SINGLE PERSON out of 1,000's that DID change her man by staying there and NOT venturing away from the situation because what ever was out 'there' surely wasn't as good as what I had no matter how BAD it was - and I could deal with it. You think you're the same way - you think that things that YOU do will calm him down, and facilitate a change EVEN if it's just for the moment - you can't even be in the same house with him and he feels disconnected? GET OUT NOW - it's going to get much worse.

    I found this poem - and it reminded me of you and your situation - I hope you enjoy it - I hope it makes you see yourself in a different light - and I hope you realize that there is a very large difference between being strong enough to leave and strong enough to stay.

    I hope you find a way to do your move WITHOUT leaning on a friend, boyfriend - or anyone else that you may be forced to be romantically involved with. Your kids need you - and well YOU need you. Work on YOU first - help the kids along as you can, and don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire - get a plan together -

    I will ad too -I think a call to your local domestic violence shelter for suggestions and help - just may prove to yourself that you don't need help like that - or maybe you do?

    After a while…

    After a while you learn
    the subtle difference between
    holding a hand and chaining a soul
    and you learn that love doesn ' t mean possession
    and company doesn ' t mean security.
    And you begin to learn that kisses aren ' t contracts
    and presents aren ' t promises
    and you begin to accept your defeats
    with your head up and your eyes ahead
    with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
    And you learn to build your roads today
    because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
    and futures have ways of falling down in mid - flight.
    After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
    if you get too much
    so you plant your own garden
    and decorate your own soul
    instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
    And you learn that you really can endure
    that you really are strong
    and you really do have worth
    and you learn
    and you learn…

    Veronica A. Shoffstall
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Star, I've always loved the poem and I know I have it printed out somewhere in my pile of papers...it rings true on so many levels for most women, I'm sure. I know it has for me.

    I gave a copy to both my daughters years ago. I am going to copy and print it out again.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i really meant it i didn't want you to worry. you've all been great and no i didn't wnat you to worry.

    i'm going to be contacting a friend of mine. i do not believe he'd ever hit me yet who wants to stay and find out? not I.

    i don't have any issues with walking away from him, i truly do not. my fear is financial. my therapist and i spoke of it all today. she has met him and stated that unless i can stay out of confrontatoin with him i should go. she knows i'm an incredibly outspoken woman and that would never work.

    he took us all out to dinner tonight and his famous word is jerk or idiot his big slang words. so i sat next to my little one. he thinks it's funny sometimes when he refers to his kids as jerks when they act badly, i do not choose to speak to mine that way.

    so hence my older one did soemthing ridiculous and silly and he turned around and called her an idiot. i looked at him and said at no time do you ever speak to either one of my children that way. he turned to say you know i dont' mean anything by it i say it to my own kids. i siad yup and i cringe everytime you do it's ridiculous make no mistake these are my children and do not speak to them in that way.

    so needless to say dinner went well........LOL....

    see here's the thing i say how i feel i expect respect a calm household a honest and trustworthy man, etc. he doens't fit the bill i've learned not by a long shot.

    was just afraid of upsetting little one. she adores his children, their all playing right now actually. she smiles when their here. hopefully i can handle it in such a way that they can remain friends.

  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Jen -

    Call a domestic violence shelter - EVEN though - he is not hitting you. Tell the operator your situation and ask them WHAT they would advise in your situation.

    MOST women don't ever call a place like that because they think it is ONLY for women who are being beaten or battered. Places like that are anonymous, and they have RESOURCES and ideas for getting out of a relationship that is volatile or potentially damaging to children. YOU ARE in THAT type of situation and what would be the harm in calling them to just see what they may know?

    I have been offered credit counseling, housing assistance, continued education, clothes, food - the list was endless. And I know because like I have told you - I was in a relationship like that once.

    It made me feel more empowered and like I actually HAD a plan instead of thinking I knew exactly how to do everything -

    Like you I had a lot of self confidence - I was outspoken - bold, even sassy - I lacked self confidence - and IT was what made me continually jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

    There is a huge difference between self esteem and self confidence.

    I just hope this "friend" you are talking about isn't the same man friend who likes you but didn't want to deal with your kids - if he didn't then - he's likely not changed now - regardless of what he says. Eventually that situation could have more damaging effects on your children as well as where you are now because while the move away from a man who would call a child an idiot - is a (I just can't think of an appropriate adjective to type here without getting censored) taking your children to live in another house with another man may not be the best thing either. Taking on a woman and a tween and a child with challenges isn't any mans idea of a fun day. My suggestion would be if it IS him - see how committed he is to working on being a step-dad. Take him to counseling with you and the kids for a family meets new guy session - and let him know what he's in for. What kind of HELP you are REALLY going to need, what your day looks like - Find out what HIS day looks like - and before you even cross the threshold - ESTABLISH relationship rules - whether it is going to be just friends, room mates or lovers - NO calling the kids names, NO stepping out, no this - let him know what your idea of a life is - and ask for his - His may be "Have a woman at home to cook, clean and do laundry while I hunt, fish and hang out at the bar - some women can deal with that - Some women can deal with a man that wants to work 18 hours, calls his kids names, expects certain things out of the woman who is sharing the home with him - and that isn't what SHE thought it would be - and in the mean time - the kids sit there and have to endure a man calling them an idiot while their Mother has to correct a full grown man in public and believe me - it effects the kids - the name was still called - damage done.

    So get your ducks in a row - Don't fly blind into the next situation and take some TIME to make SURE this is the BEST THING FOR YOU AND THE KIDS - No one is pushing you out of the door where you live now - and the women at the shelter will give you the absolute right things to say to DEFUSE the situation as you leave. Don't worry if the kids can be friends - they are young - they'll make new ones. You don't really want any ties to him anyway. Square peg - round hole logic again.

    Just be careful - get some advice where ever you can. And educate yourself with a plan before you just go -

    I know you can do this -

  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ok wana talk about round peg square hole thing. i just thought of you was looking up info on how to relieve kids anxiety this one mom had an thing she has written simply stating school can be a toxic environment for children. that not all children should be there. she struggled with her son who had many issues for years and he struggled and she hardly ever made it to work, etc. etc.

    at the end she decided to home school him. he did so much better in every area. at the end she wrote sometimes you just can't fit a square peg into a round hole. LOL....how bizarre is that?

    ok i know it;s not that bizarre just thought it was funny. anyway figured out some stuff today, didnt' go into office went to hospitals talked to diff doctor's made some contacts, etc. found best supposed best neuropysch guy on long island so i grabbed my cell and i have begun the harrassment........LOL....he got 3 calls today. i set up another appointment. with the neuro pysch who came in 2nd place, i have a 3rd set up that appointment. too. i will ofcourse cancel the other two if i can get top guy.

    the abilify ontop of other stuff is increasing her anxiety and paranoia level. hello jen i took the time once again to read up on the clinical adult trials and right there i'd read it a thousand times anxiety is a side effect. doctor told me to take her off anyway so she's being weened tomorrow.

    wish there was way to home school her but i can't then i'd have to stay here for life, and just deal with his odd things and smile and save him dinner. you know i never saw him exhibit any of these behaviors prior to this texting the other female thing occured. i mean this guy was in an eighteen marriage i know his pyscho ex wife with whom he still loves, she decided she was gay. anyway she's not beaten or verbally abused, she has a bigger mouth than i. this all started when i realized what he'd done and i put my foot down and said nope not going to be part of this and planted him several times he kicked up this way. no he just senses i'm done. he's walking around me on eggshells now asking what i'm going to do and i can't stay here if i'm not going to have a relationship with him and marry him.

    ok enough rambling for me.

    thanks again.......:)
  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I am jumping into his late, I haven't quite figured out the new forum.

    OK, I'm gonna just say it like it is.

    Where you are is bad, we have established that. You are being abused, and your kids are watching it. Not only is it bad for you, but it is bad for them. They are seeing you treated badly and with no respect. They are growing up thinking that this is how things are done. If nothing changes, this is the type of man that they will gravitate towards.

    Your solution is to move in with another man? I know you say he is a friend, but I see a red flag the size of a Buick here. OK, so you are just friends. Then you move in. And you cry to him about how rough things were. And he holds you while you cry. Next thing you know...

    And then your girls have seen you make a lateral move, out of the frying pan into the fire.

    It has been suggested that you call a DV shelter. I second that nomination. Going there first is not only safer, but the resources you will aquire there will be ones you can use to get back on your feet. Your friend will not have those resources. I spent 7 months in one of those shelters (and, like you, it was verbal abuse only, but abuse is abuse) and now live in a condo with my daughter. I guess the difference is if you keep going from guy to guy, you keep dragging all your baggage with you. If you go get help to break the cycle, you eventually learn to leave the bad baggage when you move on. And you walk out of there with your head held high, knowing that you are providing a good example for your children.

  16. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Jennifer, I don't live your life but grew up in a home where dad was a very loud bully who seemed very threatening when angry. It's not a pleasant way to grow up.
    It would seem that part of the reason you are at this spot is no real plan. Finances made you jump in before you were sure he was a good fit for you. Before you impulsively make another decision have a plan.
    You can't live with a friend for long. This sort of kindness wears thin after a couple of weeks. What happens after that?
    Are the kids going to have to change schools?
    Try to think it through as to where you are heading. If you wait until your credit score improves, it may be a long time.
    I'm just trying to bring up the reality. Finances are a reason for you making some less than adequate choices.
    How can you change the financial situation? Can difficult child receive medicaid? If you have no out of pocket medical expenses then you will be in better shape. You simply can't not pay rent and expect to have a stable home.

    It sounds as if you want to jump out of this situation and into a new one. I'd think long and hard about where that step takes you and what goes on after that. Project forward a few steps as to where you want to go and make a plan to get there.
    in my humble opinion
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'm not jumping into anything except unfortunatley all over this board with diff. info and diff posts.

    i'm not being "abused" physically. if i was i'd be at a shelter. i know what that looks like.

    anyway he's promised to seek counseling with me to keep the home calm in order to bring my daughter for further testing.

    i'm at my office appreciate your kind words. my focus hasto be on finding out what's wrong wtih my daugther right now.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    furthermore i do understand what you mean about verbal abuse i was in that type of relationship towards the end of my marriage. difference here is we are both engaging in an argument and then when he gets loud i get mad. either way still no way to run a household. yet right now in order to pay the 10k it's going Occupational Therapist (OT) cost me at columbia to have her evaulated by a group of pyshcologists i need to stay there and have him continue to support us. of which he is willing to do.

    i'm sorry for went you went thru and the person i spoke of would only of been temporary wans't looking to jump into anyone else's bed at all. yet he didnd't wnat to help either. so i am where i am and will take it day by day.


  19. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Jen, I think it's good that you posted here, I really do. Because it enabled you to think things through, get a reality check on your situation and make decisions based on priorities.

    I'm gald that your boyfriend has agreed to attend counseling with you. Obviously he does care for you and your children if he can finally see that the way you're all living is an unhealthy environment for your daughter. That's a big step.

    I hope it all works out for you both, including your kiddos. And I hope that when the time is right for you to make a change/move, you are able to do so. Hugs~
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member

    it's so helpful being in here for multiple reasons. and everyone here is great.

    i'm at work and no calls from school yet i'm having an even day and didn't even take the xanax, but i have it.

    Jen :)