environmental factors

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Oct 16, 2010.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    me again :)

    so i got to thinking because i kinda had to. alot of times when a kid is in their sick stage regardless the diagnosis and we're on high warrior mom mode, talking to new doctors etc. giving history we often are faced with our pasts whatever they may be to figure otu the present to some extent.

    as i looked back on difficult child i had to be honest, take the rose colored glasses off and really delve into the negative influences that have affected her thru the years. her dad being a huge piece of that. which is kinda sad because quite honestly he himself needs help and has never gotten it. he honestly cannot control his behaviors his anxiety, paranoia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is just too major to hide.

    i too have made my share of mistakes thru the years. husband and i had a real rocky start 4 years ago bigtime.

    now, did i or her environmental factors create the situation now, no ofcourse not. yet kids like ours are highly sensitive and pick up on just about anything. it's almost like you have to self monitor all the time almost in regards to any type of negativity in the home. often i've come to find that environment can def. make our difficult child's behavior worse. and yea we cant' control everything sometimes you just gotta roll with-it, yet other things i think we can control to some extent, or make positive changes.

    i was drinking my coffee today and my mind began to go here. you know, modeling the right behaviors for them to see, conflict resolution with our sometimes pain in the butt other halfs that we love yet at times would like to ship off to sea. i think we all feel that on occassion. it's hard to live with-other ppl in the mist of what our kids can bring.

    so, i spent time thinking about this. kinda know in my own mind changes i'd like to see in my family. easy child adhering to counseling to work out her issues with-difficult child and the jealousy i think she's felt for years. a few other things my mind is still working on.

    so, anyone agree with-me on the environmental factors? and if so, what types of things if any do you think you would like to see change in your family dynamic if you had a magic wand what would you change to improve our difficult child's behaviors and our overall way of life??

    yup always thinking i know, it would be the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in me :)
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    kinda know in my own mind changes i'd like to see in my family. easy child adhering to counseling to work out her issues with-difficult child and the jealousy i think she's felt for years. a few other things my mind is still working on.

    Oh, yeah. Influence, quite a bit. But you've got to have a kid who is susceptible to that sort of thing to begin with. My easy child has been through so much with-difficult child, but her response has been 1) to move out to a friend's house for 6 mo's, and 2) major in art and psychiatric in college.
    See the diff?

    In our lives, I am still taking difficult child to therapy. I am doing what is right, regardless of difficult child's reaction. For example, he loves to have us bring in McD's for dinner. Every. Single. Night. Not going to happen. Last night I was out with-friends and he called me for a burger. At a fast food place. I told him I'd bring him one from the restaurant where I was sitting. It was Fri night, spec occasion in that it was a weekend, etc. He said it had to be the restaurant he chose or he wouldn't eat it. Of course, I bought one from the place I was eating. Considered wrapping it in a Burger King bag but knew he'd figure it out.
    Brought it home, he said a barely audible "Thank you" b4 he started in on how it wasn't McD, wasn't Burger King, not what he wanted, I lied, etc. I just walked away.
    Not going to get into it. If he's hungry, he'll eat it. (by the way, husband was home and why didn't he make dinner for difficult child? That's one change I'd like to see. How to make it work ... )

    One thing we've had problems with-is avoidance. difficult child makes such a huge stink about everything, we give in. Not so much any more, but it created a very bad precedent and bad pattern. We are working to erase that.

    Lots more but that's what's on my mind right now. :)
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I can't say I'm best model for my difficult child all the time, either. While we do have a lot of similar issues, I had a more extensive support system than she does. I had friends who we weird like me (in their own ways), and while my mom was often a "yell-er" I did have both parents and to this day my Dad is still there for me and my step-mom has been very supportive, too. Here we live far from family, her father hardly ever calls her, my boyfriend lives 5 hours away, and she's been having a difficult time making friends. So I wish she had the close and extensive emotional support network I had growing up.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yea we all make mistakes, we're human it's trial and error. falter, pick yourself up, wipe off begin again. ive just learned so much from being here, i wish id' found it sooner. would of helped alot. i just went it on my own for soo long.

    i always tried to make alone time with-easy child yet as she grew older we got lost in the mix somehow, she got caught in the shuffle unbeknownst to me. i guess she wasn't expressing her needs because she internalizes and i wasn't reading her well enough to know tea at the table at night wasnt' going Occupational Therapist (OT) cut it anymore. as far as difficult child i learned from here several years ago to do just that, not cave like you said Terry it sets a bad precedent and its' so hard to undo. we coddle out of that mommy love protect thing, yet at times removing detatching is the way to go so they can stand alone. afterall i guess that's our continuous battle give them wings so they can fly someday. with reg. functioning kids whatever that means :) we dont' push as hard because i think they meet their milestones more smoothly, yet with-difficult child's we gotta push even harder because it often seems each new milestone or next stage is a battle to get them there. so reverse, right?? should push lighter on them but we can't.

    i haven't always been a great role model either. i dont' think i put this here so we could bash ourselves, even though i've bashed myself internally for years and have realized a few years back that solves zero. i think it was more to say yea environment does matter. how we as adults do handle junk matters. what is our family dynamic and if we did have that magic wand what would we change. work on we can do, yet that wand would be AWESOME.

    each day i put her to bed and say to myself did i do a good job today, how many times did I MELT down? :) how can i get thru tmrw even better? and find time for me in the mix sort of thing. self care is HUGE i've come to learn always knew yet ignored me, tests etc. but man Terry you have always been so good with-that. finding your time, making the time, scheduling, you are probably a super organized person. me i struggle with-that bigtime.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My divorce greatly upset all my kids. I never sugarcoat it even to myself. All three kids reacted negatively both to when we told them we were divorcing then even years later when they met husband. My most vulnerable child got into drugs and I definitely think all the changes hurt her.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    While I believe environment plays a role, I think nature is the largest part of why Miss KT is the way she is. Her father and I separated when she was 4, and he moved back to the Bay Area when she was 5. She had little contact with him for probably 7-8 years, till he moved back here, and not much more after that. When Hubby and I got married, he tried his best to be a dad to her, and until the awful teen years, things went fairly well.

    Now that she's out of the house, I hear her father when she calls. I hear his passive-aggressive BS, the attempts to guilt me into sending money, the "nobody likes me," the "I'm so bored...no, I don't want to do that...", the inability to work and play well with others, the quitting of jobs, and whatever the drama is, it's always somebody else's fault. She has no ownership of it whatsoever. If environment was everything, wouldn't she be more like me? She lived with me her entire life. I've always worked...not only has she seen me, she's heard from my mom about the jobs I had while going to school. I've always made do with whatever I had to work with, and I've managed to feed and clothe the family, and hang onto my house besides.

    I think environment can shape what nature has provided, but I don't think environment can completely change a person's nature.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    aw that's sad but it does happen. years later they will realize the change was for the best and they have a much happier mom for it. as far as what they do when hurt that cant' be controlled especially with the teens. my divorce hurt difficult child and she was only 1 1/2 years old, go figure. i think her seeing her dad hurts her emotionally to be honest. yet it's a pick the lesser of two evil deals because she adores him. he's just one big anxiety ridden parnoid guy.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i don't think so either by the way.