Epiphany ~ Eureka

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Jan 5, 2010.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So, finally, I think I am starting to turn the corner with this mono thing.
    And subsequently this whole stress/spacey horrible feeling I have had for months is diminishing.
    However, it only happened because I snapped.

    Two nights ago, my friend Gabe was kidding around and was playing back a voicemail I had left him. It hit me like a baseball to the head. It was H. I heard her voice. We always have sounded identical, and no one could tell us apart on the phone. So to hear her. It knocked me to the ground. G, thankfully was only on the phone and I simply said I had to go.

    I cried until I was sick. Hyperventilating. The dogs were scared.

    Then I snapped back into the reality I have not been part of in months, maybe years. Actually, first, I fell asleep. Then I woke up in the middle of the night, and I physically felt the difference. There was peace.

    The next day, yesterday, I was even more spacey and sick feeling than usual. Yet, suddenly I knew what change had to be made in my life for me to feel whole. I had to stop playing Matt's group home's game. No matter what, come hell or high water, I WILL be allowed to talk to Matt more than once a week. PERIOD. Seriously when my mind is made up - than that is it. No one can change it. If that means they kick him out, than so be it, I don't care. I just have to talk to my kid!!!!

    I suddenly felt that empowerment, for the first time in months. I felt that resolve, that fortitude within my spirit re-kindled itself.

    Then, last night I had a series of horrible nightmares. I used to suffer from nightly, horrible nightmares. Since H died, I have had only a few. Last night, I was up most of the night with terror. My mind was finally trying to release the toxins of my soul.

    I woke up this morning with ~
    I cannot tell you the difference. It is palpable.

    I truly never believed, (although doctors tell us), that mental suffocation can lead to illness, fatigue, lethargy.
    It was not until I cried myself to the other side of grief, resolved not to be be victimized, and vowed that my relationship with my son not be taken away - that I am now able to feel normal again.
    Yes, I medically still have mono - but my soul is back.

    I know my challenge now comes with the repercussions of this program learning I am taking a stand. Possibly they will kick Matt out. Actually it is likely. But that is OK. I have peace.
    And H. - I love her always, and miss her deeply, but I was reminded - she is always with me.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    LOTS of HUGS!

    You're right... And it's good to "hear" that hope back in your "voice". It is a good reminder, too - that sometimes you have to snap.

    Welcome back. I'm glad this happened - I am glad you are back to you!
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    D@mn woman you sound so much better. That spirit, well, I can hear it again. :) There is a great strength in refusing to ever be a victim again.

  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Steely, I'm so glad you've found peace. Many hugs.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I am glad that this revelation came to you, sounds like it came just in time.
  6. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Steely, it sounds like you have just given birth to yourself. Many hugs.
  7. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    How awesome!