Steely
Active Member
So, finally, I think I am starting to turn the corner with this mono thing.
And subsequently this whole stress/spacey horrible feeling I have had for months is diminishing.
However, it only happened because I snapped.
Two nights ago, my friend Gabe was kidding around and was playing back a voicemail I had left him. It hit me like a baseball to the head. It was H. I heard her voice. We always have sounded identical, and no one could tell us apart on the phone. So to hear her. It knocked me to the ground. G, thankfully was only on the phone and I simply said I had to go.
I cried until I was sick. Hyperventilating. The dogs were scared.
Then I snapped back into the reality I have not been part of in months, maybe years. Actually, first, I fell asleep. Then I woke up in the middle of the night, and I physically felt the difference. There was peace.
The next day, yesterday, I was even more spacey and sick feeling than usual. Yet, suddenly I knew what change had to be made in my life for me to feel whole. I had to stop playing Matt's group home's game. No matter what, come hell or high water, I WILL be allowed to talk to Matt more than once a week. PERIOD. Seriously when my mind is made up - than that is it. No one can change it. If that means they kick him out, than so be it, I don't care. I just have to talk to my kid!!!!
I suddenly felt that empowerment, for the first time in months. I felt that resolve, that fortitude within my spirit re-kindled itself.
Then, last night I had a series of horrible nightmares. I used to suffer from nightly, horrible nightmares. Since H died, I have had only a few. Last night, I was up most of the night with terror. My mind was finally trying to release the toxins of my soul.
I woke up this morning with ~
ENERGY
CLARITY
ME
I cannot tell you the difference. It is palpable.
I truly never believed, (although doctors tell us), that mental suffocation can lead to illness, fatigue, lethargy.
It was not until I cried myself to the other side of grief, resolved not to be be victimized, and vowed that my relationship with my son not be taken away - that I am now able to feel normal again.
Yes, I medically still have mono - but my soul is back.
I know my challenge now comes with the repercussions of this program learning I am taking a stand. Possibly they will kick Matt out. Actually it is likely. But that is OK. I have peace.
And H. - I love her always, and miss her deeply, but I was reminded - she is always with me.
And subsequently this whole stress/spacey horrible feeling I have had for months is diminishing.
However, it only happened because I snapped.
Two nights ago, my friend Gabe was kidding around and was playing back a voicemail I had left him. It hit me like a baseball to the head. It was H. I heard her voice. We always have sounded identical, and no one could tell us apart on the phone. So to hear her. It knocked me to the ground. G, thankfully was only on the phone and I simply said I had to go.
I cried until I was sick. Hyperventilating. The dogs were scared.
Then I snapped back into the reality I have not been part of in months, maybe years. Actually, first, I fell asleep. Then I woke up in the middle of the night, and I physically felt the difference. There was peace.
The next day, yesterday, I was even more spacey and sick feeling than usual. Yet, suddenly I knew what change had to be made in my life for me to feel whole. I had to stop playing Matt's group home's game. No matter what, come hell or high water, I WILL be allowed to talk to Matt more than once a week. PERIOD. Seriously when my mind is made up - than that is it. No one can change it. If that means they kick him out, than so be it, I don't care. I just have to talk to my kid!!!!
I suddenly felt that empowerment, for the first time in months. I felt that resolve, that fortitude within my spirit re-kindled itself.
Then, last night I had a series of horrible nightmares. I used to suffer from nightly, horrible nightmares. Since H died, I have had only a few. Last night, I was up most of the night with terror. My mind was finally trying to release the toxins of my soul.
I woke up this morning with ~
ENERGY
CLARITY
ME
I cannot tell you the difference. It is palpable.
I truly never believed, (although doctors tell us), that mental suffocation can lead to illness, fatigue, lethargy.
It was not until I cried myself to the other side of grief, resolved not to be be victimized, and vowed that my relationship with my son not be taken away - that I am now able to feel normal again.
Yes, I medically still have mono - but my soul is back.
I know my challenge now comes with the repercussions of this program learning I am taking a stand. Possibly they will kick Matt out. Actually it is likely. But that is OK. I have peace.
And H. - I love her always, and miss her deeply, but I was reminded - she is always with me.
There is a great strength in refusing to ever be a victim again.
