Steely
Active Member
I have been out of work since Sept 2010. From that time until March of 2011 I helped my Dad pass onto the next world. From March to August I helped my Mom pack and sell her house of 40 years in Dallas, and then I moved Matt to Portland and me to Washington.
So it has been about 5 months now with few people tugging, demanding, ordering or dictating my life. I am trying to start this business, which I think someday it will happen. But in the meantime I am left, still. Completely still.
Depression is my number one enemy. I fight it every day. And I am still not sure that going back to work full time is not the answer to alleviate the depression--- except suddenly --- ME is happening. Suddenly this person, Amber, is starting to grow. It is really such a weird feeling, I can't describe it.
My creativity is starting to slowly unfold. Kind of like an abused puppy, my creativity is timid, scared, and fragile - but yet it wants to try and take a stab at flourishing.
And the most interesting part of this, is that the things that I got from my Dad are the motivators. He left this amazing camera that I adopted as mine. Suddenly I want to take pictures all of the time, and then I found this website where you post a picture and then write a story about that picture. Well that has opened up my entire way of looking at the world. Then you can add music, to your story and picture, which makes it a full media experience. I am daily inspired by this.
My Dad also left a state of the art Mac which I adopted. Suddenly, I see why artists use a Mac. I moved it to this room I have in my house called the sunroom - and the sun shines (if it is shining) all day long in this room. It is a very hot room without A/C or good ventilation, so we will see - but today I have had the absolute luxury of taking pics on a hike, and then playing with them on the mac, and then writing a story about one of them --- and I feel alive! This is it. This is where I am supposed to be. I found it.
I was at Petco yesterday and they were hiring for a PT salesperson and I had a profound realization. I would rather work there PT and keep doing the writing than go back to my full time retail career. That is a huge, HUGE epiphany. My pride is gone. I don't have to have the big retail bonanza, because I have found ME, and what *I* want to be doing! All I can say is THANK God. It has been a long, long road - and I know many more bumps are on the way - but for the first time I see the "vision" for my life.
Please pray I can hang onto it, even when the wind blows.
So it has been about 5 months now with few people tugging, demanding, ordering or dictating my life. I am trying to start this business, which I think someday it will happen. But in the meantime I am left, still. Completely still.
Depression is my number one enemy. I fight it every day. And I am still not sure that going back to work full time is not the answer to alleviate the depression--- except suddenly --- ME is happening. Suddenly this person, Amber, is starting to grow. It is really such a weird feeling, I can't describe it.
My creativity is starting to slowly unfold. Kind of like an abused puppy, my creativity is timid, scared, and fragile - but yet it wants to try and take a stab at flourishing.
And the most interesting part of this, is that the things that I got from my Dad are the motivators. He left this amazing camera that I adopted as mine. Suddenly I want to take pictures all of the time, and then I found this website where you post a picture and then write a story about that picture. Well that has opened up my entire way of looking at the world. Then you can add music, to your story and picture, which makes it a full media experience. I am daily inspired by this.
My Dad also left a state of the art Mac which I adopted. Suddenly, I see why artists use a Mac. I moved it to this room I have in my house called the sunroom - and the sun shines (if it is shining) all day long in this room. It is a very hot room without A/C or good ventilation, so we will see - but today I have had the absolute luxury of taking pics on a hike, and then playing with them on the mac, and then writing a story about one of them --- and I feel alive! This is it. This is where I am supposed to be. I found it.
I was at Petco yesterday and they were hiring for a PT salesperson and I had a profound realization. I would rather work there PT and keep doing the writing than go back to my full time retail career. That is a huge, HUGE epiphany. My pride is gone. I don't have to have the big retail bonanza, because I have found ME, and what *I* want to be doing! All I can say is THANK God. It has been a long, long road - and I know many more bumps are on the way - but for the first time I see the "vision" for my life.
Please pray I can hang onto it, even when the wind blows.
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