My daughters circumstances are very different, yet she is also estranged from her father. Your daughter is 20, mine is just 13. Your daughter decided to distance herself, not you. My daughters father distanced himself, not my daughter. But there are many similarities nonetheless, because ultimately my daughters father chose this, but in his mindset, he truly believes it is my daughter distancing himself. So given that my daughters dad feels SHE pulled away, and having a personal insight into the view of the kiddo here, I felt like maybe it could help to share what my daughter wishes her dad would do (I'm not saying that your daughter shares my daughters wants/needs because I can't know that but I think the perspective may fit regardless).
What does my daughter want/need from her dad, that does not change even if he would wake up and realize that he chose this distance from our daughter? She wants not much in the immediate, and what she wants long term is very legitimate and takes time but most importantly she wants to feel worth his effort. She wants an apology. Choices of his have hurt her. In her case those those choices were not done without him having insight into the effect on her, but she is able to realize that her father sees it differently and he really keeps maintaining she should forget the hurt because he believes he had no clue it would her and he meant no ill will etc. The fact remains, my daughter needs an apology. She is not even expecting a outline of what he is sorry for because she has the wisdom to know they both have differing perspectives. And ultimately it is not the apology that has the true meaning for her anyhow, its the acknowledgement by him that decisions he made had a horrible impact on her emotionally and that he recognizes it now (without even placing "blame", she has learned from me that wanting or needing "blame" usually has no good outcome) and wants things to be better and wants to do better. She doesn't want to beat him up emotionally for the hurt he caused her, she simply wants to know he "gets it" and that he is open to a new relationship with some changes and a commitment for him to not repeat the mistakes of days past. I am thinking that if you do NOT know why your daughter is angry, until you do it may be a patience game. At the same time, it is NOT too soon to tell her that although you can't claim to know what all has upset her so deeply, you honor her hurts and are willing to not be defensive and HEAR her when she feels ready, and that you will do your best to understand her feelings. I would also tell her that if there are things that you don't understand that have hurt her, you will do your best to understand but even if you remain confused you honor her feelings above your own understanding and ultimately what matters most to you is that you never want to hurt her and once you know better you can do better and you WILL do better because she is valued and worth it and that you will be not reaching out until she is ready, NOT because it isn't tearing you up to be distanced, but because she is an adult and you are wanting her to know that you respect her space right now but it is important to you that she know that the longer this goes on, the harder to communicate it will be and though not impossible to fix down the line, the pain for both of you won't get easier with time but worse with time, so it is your hope she reaches out without too much time passing but you will be ready whenever she is, no matter the time line. Make it clear that there is no statute of limitations on her calling or writing or asking to get together to talk. No matter how much time does pass, you are there for her and will be overjoyed when you two can begin to do the tough stuff that is required to be a healthy and happy family.
I don't think that you should really cut finances etc quite yet. I would perhaps close the door to the room with her belongings but if she learns you packed it up, changed locks, cut the support you gave willingly when she was speaking to you, whatever is brewing this pain in her will grow tenfold and your love for his is so apparent. Truly I just would hate to see you burning a bridge because you are justifiably confused and hurt and angry. Your emotions are valid. Your reactions and actions however must root in logic, because ultimately obviously you would and do want your daughter to know the door is open to communication. Tossing her belongings, cutting her off financially and changing your locks does NOT reflect your emotional desire to have your daughter open up to you. Rather it would come off to her as you being angry about her feelings and that won't go over well, her feelings are as valid as yours. Harsh decisions now may root and embed her hurt and pain deeper, to a place so deep she chooses to ignore you outright rather than deal with it.
Only you of course know the intimate details of your history with your daughter and her personality. My advice may be way off based, but I don't have private details so this is all just speculating that she is going through one set of issues when I suppose she could be dealing with something else completely.
hang in there, it isn't always easy parenting but in the end the goal is a loving relationship with her. Express your anger and hurt safely so that it doesn't do more harm to the relationship. If you model patience and love and support even in the face of the distance, it will go far over time to help your daughter see you as daughters want to see their dads: loving unconditionally even when they are angry and hurt.
, you bring up great points
