Ever Feel Like You Don't Matter

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by babyblue31, Jun 2, 2008.

  1. babyblue31

    babyblue31 New Member

    Hey everyone do you ever get the feeling that you just don't matter.. I joined a online support group to help me deal with my sons father's death.. And I didn't get a welcome or we are here for you, or that we have been there and know what you are going throgh.. It just made me feel like i did matter.. I love it here all of u care so much.. Sometimes the advice is hard to sollow, but at least you all responed.. And care!!!!!!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. KateM

    KateM Member

    This really is a welcoming place! I belong to another online group, specifically for Aspergers. The group is good with info and the owner/ moderator does a great service for the community -- but the support is nothing like here!

    I'm glad you feel supported here!
  3. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed from the other group. It's hard when you feel so alone. I think that is the most helpful part of this forum -- feeling like you are not alone and that you are not to blame for your difficult child's actions.

    I'm glad to have you aboard!
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Who said that? Just kidding! As you've seen on some of the threads flying around that I need to just relax a little.

    I've found over the years that this is a unique group of people. Some of the suggestions can be hard, but they're all offered with understanding and compassion.

    I've not seen the friendships on other boards like the one's on here.

    I'm so sorry that you've been going through such a hard time. The people here will rattle beads, say prayers, send hugs and listen, and listen, and listen some more.

    You don't need another board, you've got us!

    Sending gentle hugs and thoughts!

  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Be patient. It may not be a really active board, like this one.

    Also, I've noticed (constructive critiscm here, so don't get upset) in some of your earlier posts, you've left out some punctuation and had like one HUGE paragraph. I think someone had pointed out to you that it was very difficult to read on a computer screen. Just keep that in mind when you post.

    If I see one huge post with no breaks, I simply just cannot read it. It makes my head spin.

    I'm glad you feel comfortable here, though.
  6. babyblue31

    babyblue31 New Member

    I want to say thank you all I love it here and nvts go to our ob/gyn thats the only way to know for sur I love you all.........(((((((((((((HUGS TO ALL)))))))))))))))))))
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Babyblue31, I am glad you found this board. I am enjoying hearing about your days with your beautiful son. He is like so many of our difficult child's, so precious yet a handful at the same time. I think just being able to journal here may be helping? Though you will continue to have hard days (we all do), I do sense a little less stress from your first post?

    Keep writing! Also give us your take on our issues - sometimes looking from the outside in is a lot easier and I will find others give input that I wouldn't have thought about because I am too close to the struggle at the moment - even if I give the same advise to someone else just days earlier.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Time will help. Death is hard. Lots of us have had to deal with death in many forms. Family, friends and so much more. The fact that you are writing about it is good. Be there for your kids. Support them when they need it. Let them talk when they need it. Ask them if they are OK once in awhile. I wish I had that when I was little.
    You will be OK.
  9. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    <<HUGS>>> we all have those days
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Babyblue, this is exactly the way I felt last night after a long week and weekend with-difficult child and husband. I felt totally ineffective and marginalized.
    I know you are still grieving. It is so hard. I'm glad we're here.
    It sounds like the other bb is not the right place to be right now. Every bb has its own personality.
    Take care.
  11. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    Baby Blue,

    I too am glad you found us. Keep posting and reading!

    When I first joined I felt kinda bad if I posted and lots of people viewed but hardly anyone posted. I no longer feel that way because I know that everyone sends me good thoughts but may not have the time to post or any advice on that particular subject.

    I am passing this on to you so that hopefully you don't ever feel that way. Some of my posts have generated a lot of responses and some none. It does not mean I am support any less!

    This board is a god send to me and my difficult child. We are no longer alone.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I want to welcome you to the community, naturally. This is a place where you can come, unload, talk about things that perhaps no one else would understand and possibly if you pay attention take away something for yourself and eventually leave something for someone new.

    I've neglected to comment on your earlier posts because it is not my intention to make you feel bad and sometimes I can come off a tad strong, but it's with the best of intentions. And I found myself wanting to say things to you that initially you may not have found helpful. After the majority of your posts has been so negative I want to offer you some insight.

    What you do with your life is ultimately your businss. How you handle yourself, and how it will affect your child is also your business until you bring it to a community and post with questions and wonder. And that can be a good thing if you are open to suggestions to improve yourself. Everyone has self-doubt, it's human nature. To continually have self doubt and be continually sorry about your present state is not healthy. And believe me I know.

    So here's where the pavement meets the road for me with regards to you. I have had a choice to post comments and advice in your prior posts and really have waited until I felt I could offer you some advice that would be helpful. So here goes. Please keep in mind that it is NOT my intention to hurt you, but to offer advice that will get you to a place where you can stop being so negative about your life, your circumstances and bring about a postitive change in your day to day living BECAUSE.......I have been there. And now, I'm not and my life is better for it. My son is better for it. It would be my great hope that you walk away from my post knowing that I care, and I care enough to not patronize you or belittle your situation.

    You are in a bad spot. You may think that you are in a bad spot physically (where you life, how things around you are happening) but you are in a worse spot mentally. The between the lines message you are sending out is that you are miserable with your situation, your life and most of all yourself. Not hard to see why. You aren't feeling well, you lost your husband recently and you are suffering from that, your son is falling into a pattern of bad behaviors, and you are financially broke, and getting assistance for food and borrowing money from your family in Ohio.

    The freaky thing here is that with the exception of the death of your husband - 12 years ago I could have been you. See I lived in Florida, I had no money, I had no support, I have family IN Ohio, my son was out of control, I had no one and I was basically living day to day in perpetual misery and self-pity. Because I did NOT get proper support from my husband or his family - any little kindness I got outside of that circle was addicting. I had people feeling sorry for me and wishing me well (patronizing) my situation and it got to the point where I needed THEIR pity to survive and make it another day. Not healthy, and not a good thing to model for your kid.

    Like I said - keep in mind you do what you want to do, but sister I'm telling you that you are in a rutt so deep that you're the ONLY person that can stop the cycle, climb out and start living. Currently YOU are existing. You're not living, you dont' have a good life - you're miserable and no one can fix that BUT YOU. And you say Oh yeah Star well you don't know a thing - and I would say - OH yeah, well I do - And if I hadn't lived your life and moved forward - I couldn't tell you to do it.

    STOP allowing yourself the right to feel sorry for you. You post things like Well I finally had a good day. FINALLY? TELL YOURSELF that every day you are alive and have a child that is healthy despite the disorders IS a good day. You post sad things continually that drag you down. And you get posts and responses here that say "Hey it's okay, you'll make it, you'll be okay, and the people posting these things MEAN IT. But you're not getting the bigger picture. WE WANT you to get out of that rut. WE WANT you to be successful, WE WANT YOU to stop being so down on yourself and START to realize that BABY BLUE IS A PERSON WHO DESERVES THE WORLD!!!!! But no one is going to give it to you. There is no prince charming and speaking of princes - have you found yours? Does your boyfriend LIFT YOU UP or Bring you down? And I'm only asking this in general - but wouldn't YOUR life be more enhanced if YOU were the one taking care of YOU? I don't see where having to ask your Dad to send money to help YOU and him out since he lives with you is HELPING YOU. AND like I said before - been there done that and actually got my parents to pay for the rent, send me money for his (my x's) BAIL....(argh what a dope I was) I think when I found out that my parents sent their savings to pay for my lights and money for food - that was the last straw. But like you they didn't want their grandson to be in 110 degree heat in a house.

    Can you go home? Your Dad seems like he's willing to help you and your son. And while I dont' know that anyone could understand having a boyfriend and mouring a husband. I do to a point. I think I could understand it better if the boyfriend was financially supporting you and not the other way around. I TOTALLY get that you need someone, but honey if you dont' figure out how to rely on yourself NOW - you're life is going to be one miserable series of self-induced events after another. You need to stand up for yourself and TELL YOURSELF every day that TODAY IS A GOOD DAY, IT'S A GIFT, IT'S A DAY MADE JUST FOR ME and find a way to convince yourself that the needy, pity talk is GOING GOING GONE.

    Do I ever feel like I don't matter? HELL NO. I matter every day. In some way to some person, for some reason...I MATTER. If I felt as long as you did that I did not matter I would find a counseling place (ALL COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH CENTERS PROVIDE FREE COUNSELING IF YOU ARE ON FOODSTAMPS). I would educate myself on what services are available IN MY AREA. I've seen people here pour out their hearts and give you a hand up in suggesting Churches and local area food banks, and if you were specific in your requests we have all been down and out and would probably even be able to look up phone numbers for specific county offices that would pay 1 electric bill, or offer help with daycare, or offer free summercamps for your son. Or help you find local workshops for FREE self-help and improvements.

    But it has GOT to start with you. And I am so glad that you are here. I am SO glad that you are reaching out for support. But when you reach out for that support it also tells me that you WANT to help yourself, but you just dont' know how. You're looking for some kind of guidance BECAUSE you may not even know that you are tired of being so sad.

    Loosing a husband or mate is huge. It's depressing. And there are crisis intervention places and grief counseling groups that meet weekly so that you KNOW you are not alone in this. Call your local hospital and ask them if they know where a grief /loss group meets and GO. MAKE YOURSELF GO.

    Call your local Salvation Army and ask them if they can point you to some food pantries in your area that will offer you clothes, food, furniture if you need it. Find out where your local food bank is, most are purposely ON bus lines.

    You said you dont' have a phone - but you have internet. Maybe they haven't shut your internet off yet - so get these numbers NOW before you are left without internet access. If you are getting your phone through cable service - HAVE the cable turned off and use that money for a phone to get a job. When you get back on your feet get your cable hooked up again.

    If you can't do that - then go to the Dollar Store and buy a cheap Track phone. Borrow the money if you need to and get the card that has FREE double lifetime renewable minutes so that when you do /can buy 60 minute card - you actually get 120 minutes.

    Find out WHICH churches in your area offer assistance or will help you pay the water, light, phone bill. Tell them your situation.

    This is YOUR life, this is YOUR time.....what you do today to help yourself and get out of the BLUES will move you forward and start to be the first day of your life that you KNOW YOU ARE LOVED, and CARED for, AND APPRECIATED, AND NEEDED, and that you have a reason to be sad, BUT it doesn't need to be a permanent thing. I'm not going to tell you it's easy. But I will tell you that there are MANY of us here who have been where you are and WANT TO SEE YOU AND YOUR SON LIVE AND HAVE A HAPPY LIFE.

    WHAT can we do to help you move forward? Can WE locate places that will help you UP? You can PM me with your address and I'll find resources for you if you'd like me to. And I would be happy to do it to help you. See i was you once, but I refuse to see a person reaching out just continue to reach out without results, because that being addicted to feeling down and getting pity thing I was talking about? It's pretty real, but I gotta tell you kid - WHEN YOU STAND UP for yourself and look back on your life in 10 years and think - You know Star made me pretty mad, but I showed her = then I'll just smile. YOU CAN. YOU CAN. YOU CAN.

    I'm here if you need me. And I'll be here if you hate me. But I'm here - and I'm happy to tell you that after living through a very bad life - I do matter.

    Hugs & Love
    ps and that other board that hasn't responded to you? DO NOT let THAT be a ruler by which you measure if you are important or NOT. YOU DO MATTER. I would not even begin to guess why anyone would or would not post to you there but people post to you here and we care. So either give it more time there, OR find a grief counseling group that CAN give you what you need.
  13. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    BabyBlue, the site I gave you has many more members than this site does, and many are further along in the "journey" than you are.

    You are NOT being ignored. It's more likely the site was slow on the weekend and people just didn't read your post.

    I suggest you visit the General-2008 site(current forum), and post your introduction there.

    Do try to use paragraph breaks, punctuation, and standard fonts on that site. There are a lot of older folks who quite simply avoid reading posts they find difficult to read
  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Baby blue; I didn't mean my previous post to sound harsh at all, and I realize it may have come off that way.

    Star raises some very good points in her reply to you. I would add that you don't "get over" being widowed; you get THROUGH IT...somehow.

    The first step is telling yourself you will get through it, changed? Of course! How could you not be changed by such a life-shattering experience?

    And, based on your writing style, I would guess you are very young. I'm going to be 48 in July and was widowed in July of '02 at the age of 42.

    THAT makes me a "young widow" and you are likely much younger than I am.

    Do put up your into post on the General Board; I think you will find much more in the way of responsiveness there as a LOT of people view and respond on that forum.

    Meanwhile, if you PM me with your city/town/village, and the state and county you live in; I'll be happy to pitch in and help Star look up more local resources.

    If you lose internet access, remember that you can usually get access by visiting your local library.

    There's no crime in seeking low income help; it's another way of taking care of yourself and your difficult child. I am bipolar and would be in a world of hurt without county mental health services; they provide me with sliding scale psychiatrist and therapist services, AND provide me with all but one medication for free.

    You should be eligible for even more help since you have a small child to care for.
  15. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I'm glad you're here!!! Unfortunately, I haven't been around too much lately. However, I agree - There are so many wonderful people here!!! When I first joined, I was skeptical that an on-line support group would be able to help me. I was also a very private person and didn't know if I would feel comfortable opening up here.

    I was so surprised to find so many caring people who were willing to take time to read my posts and offer advice and support. Before long, I began to open up a bit more. Now, I know I can always come here when I need to. There have been days when I've felt like this bb was the only place I could turn to.

    I've also learned so much from being here. I'm totally amazed!!! The only regret I have about being here is that I didn't know this place existed sooner. WFEN