Ever know someone who gets you all wrong?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Dec 13, 2017.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is just a vent. No responses needed. This place is my journal.

    Tonight I found out that someone who keeps coming back into my life has such skewed and negative ideas about me and my capabilities. It is disheartening and relationship killing, but I am unsure as to why it surprises me. Things I am not and never was and never could be are who she thinks I am or was and is totally sure she is correct. A "scary" person I am...one who was/is more to be feared than a long time disordered boyfriend who has been threatening her, even entering her house when she is not home.

    I have never broken the law, harmed anyone or even spanked my kids. Only my mother thought such oddball, strange things about me. She was toxic to me and thought many falsehoods about me. I did not need to hear that from her. So I didnt.

    For the first time, with a jolt, I realize that this other person is like my mother in regards to an "off" opinion of me. She doesnt respect me or know my inner core at all or have good feelings about me as a person. She apparently feels I am capable of violence, although I have never been violent. She would often cut me off for usually trite reasons and then decide when to bring me back in, and I have been forgiving and taken her back. Every time. While my husband and kids warn me not to. Until tonight.

    Until I found out she thinks I was or am capable of being "scarier" than this boyfriend. That is just too far fetched and crazy on her part. by the way she is addicted to this abusive man, as though he were a drug. She knows he is no good, but can not cut him out of her life, like she often did to me. In fact, she met a new man who is a gem and will leave her because the abusive man is still the one in her head. And she is lying to gem that he is the only one. I truly believe the situation is bad for me...i hate to enable her by non-stop talk about this horrible man...that I am scarier than (cough)...writing it down is so helpful. My life is good. Hers is a mess. I am the sane one now.

    Spoke with dear hubby who doesn't understand why I rekindle this relationship over and over again. He could hear part of the call. He was close to me while we had the end of the conversation and my cell phone is easy to hear. He feels it is bad for me to talk to her And, of course, feels she is not all right. I don't know what she is. All I know is that even while she is talking sweet to me, she has all these wild ideas in her head about how I am and crazy ideas about what I am capable of doing. I just don't want to have to justify that I am a safe, good person anymore. To anyone. Nobody should be in my life if the person doesn't know I am good and safe then there is no purpose for contact.

    Has anyone else kept giving anyone third chances when you know the person is not good for you? Why do we? Am I addicted to her like she is to abuser?

    What a mess. A mess I can't do anymore. Blocked her. Hub did too as she texts him. Tired from this conversation tonight. Hopefully done for good.

    I appreciate this safe place for me write my thoughts.

    Good night! Love you all.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2017
  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Sorry. I had to respond. My brother is a narcissist and says the weirdest, most paranoid, :censored2:, when he is challenged in any context, or under any stress.

    It’s abusive, no doubt. But more than that, mind boggling and delusional. It feels like he keeps random ammo in his pocket, because somewhere he understands that people cannot invest in him emotionally, due to his volatility.

    So he strikes preemptively.

    Your “friend” reminded me of him. Always working his turmoil out at the wrong time, in the wrong place and with the wrong people.
     
  3. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    SWOT, sorry to hear what a lousy time you are having! I know you didn't want replies.
    What I would say is this: the one thing I have learned is that people who truly love me, know me, know what I stand for, what I represent AND my flaws. We are all flawed. But, they accept all bits of me. Anyone who does not do this are not really my friends and I would delete them from my life. Even bigger than all of that is, YOU know you and what you stand for and you do not have to live your life proving to others. Its saps your energy and your good vibe. You are a wonderful person, loved by those that matter.

    'Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind'
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Sam. I am sorry.

    We can't let others define us. And it isn't sensible to form relationships with people who don't think the best of us.

    I did not write this for sympathy or in anger. I already mourned the fact years ago that my tiny family of origin will always think the bizarre about me; the worst.

    Now my dear father is gone, although I feel him around me every day. He was one of two in my tiny family that really loved me and still does.

    The two left are good folks. I owe amends to one for verbal stuff and that will.happen. the other I want to let go of. I want to shed the skin of toxicity. She simply will always spin crazy stories about me and absolve herself of any part in it. She never thinks, "Maybe I made the wrong decision. Maybe she would not harm me. She never had harmed anyone." I am going to reject this I-was-always-right mindset. She had called the cops on me at least ten times mostly because I called or emailed her when she didn't want me too. That's how I was "scary." My hub and kids were witnesses. They heatd what the cops said ( they always seemed bored, tje cops). She even called the cops on me after i moved out of state! Hub and kids always warn me to keep her away, although, being kind people, they have always been kind to her face. But they think she is "off." And Jumper hasn't seen her. Jumper would probably not be as kind. Plus she is going to BE a cop and these petty calls about emails...cops hate them. Jumper already knows how annoying cops find them.

    The last time this rather unhealthy person came back into my life, I deliberately made sure there was limited contact, like once a week. I am glad I took.at least that step. I have found, through many of her cut offs, that I don't need her. I am very strong from all I have gone through and my support system.is rock.solid if I need one. The truth is, she has the ability to make me doubt myself and I don't need that in my life.

    The rest of my life has to be about me, I feel. I am no longer going to talk to those who have false negative ideas about me. Period. To be honest, they were ALL biological family.

    Dad is in another realm now, waiting. Grandma too, although I feel like she too is with me NOW. I am going to pray about this.

    But I know the answer I am going to receive.

    I can not change another's thoughts. I will let it be in peace and wish the best for all. But that doesn't mean I need to expose myself to the few who have wrong, bad ideas about me.

    Family is who loves you and nobody can love you for real if the person does not KNOW you. You can't love an imaginary person.

    Thanks. I think I got it all out now. I am clear headed and ready to face the day :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lost, thanks. Of course you are right. I tell others not to have people in their lives if it doesn't serve them well. Then I do it. I tell others nothing changes if WE dont change our behavior toward situations, then so do the same thing that hurt me before soooo many times...lol.

    My only defenses are that I made mistakes in my life toward this person and feel badly about them, although I have apologized to all I feel I hurt and know when something is on me. Also this person SHOULD be someone I love and value and vice versa in societal terms. Clearly, although with difficulty I forgave her for all those cop calls on me that were insane and that my littles had to see, she still thinks she had good reasons to call the cops!

    The first time she cut me out of her life and would not talk to me, I did flee to her house and bang on the door and even threw a tennis shoe at her door when she refused to answer. I did not try to break in, but if she was scared then it was my fault...i was distraught, beyond hurt, and on her property so she called the cops. That one time I can say it was possibly warranted. If that haf brrn thr only time she did it, no problem. I never went to her house like that again. Ever.

    I think she liked the power of cops after that. I got the cops visiting me for phoning her to emailing her. Partly we moved out of Illinois to get awAy from her, but we made up, of course, and when we had another row and I emailed or called her...she called the Wisconsin police!!! Luckily we lived in a small town and knew all three cops well and they sort of laughed about it. But my point is, only the very first time could she have remotely felt "scared." And it's not like I had a history of hurting people. But I still get the first time. The other nine times were simply to teach me a good lesson, so that Id learn to figure out when to call her and ehrn she would call the cops if i did. I never learned the biggest lesson...that she was screwed up and not nice because I gladly took her back each time she came. I never initiated the renewed contact. But I always hoped for the best and forgave her. Always. Like her fool.

    My Dad is gone. I never have to see her again. Nobody who loves me wants me near her. She is a mess. I can't save her from her man problems and I don't want to listen to her false opinions of me. I am glad I took it low contact this time.

    I don't mind comments about this from the forum group. I just meant...it is a relief to have a place to go to vent and know that people will care, even if there is no response. My husband just thinks I should dump her for good and i dont like to bug my kids with this stuff. I have two rather close friends. One is sick now. The other i am seeing soon and will definitely tell about this. She is wise, was in a womans support group with me for fifteen years and we know one another's stories very well. We talk about e erything.

    Meanwhile, all I can do is pray for the person, wish her well in my prayers, but stay far away. She will never own up to anything nor change her feelings toward me. I can only control myself.

    Thanks for "listening."
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Ugh if someone called the cops on me no matter what - I'd be done!

    A few years ago out of the blue I had an acquaintance from high school contact me on social media about our similarities. We were not close in high school but I always thought she was a nice person. We both owned a condo in Florida (a mile apart), both our husbands were in the same industry (I went to school with him too), etc.

    We met for lunch. We got very close very quick. She was wonderful and very supportive of my situation with our son. Husbands got along well in the beginning. Then after about a year my husband said her husband would "bs" or lie about things to him trying to be richer, smarter, etc. (you get it). My husband is a straight shooter. He was very uncomfortable with this. Sees it as wasting time with someone that is not authentic. He kept being a foursome for me because he knew I enjoyed her company and he did think her husband was funny but hated to be alone with him which is when he would BS.

    Anyway long story short, this year things got weird, she was too controlling and possessive and now we no longer talk. She doesn't think she did anything wrong and no point in trying to explain. She acted like I tried to exclude them on our vacation in April - we were both in Florida at the same time which was planned - but my husband's sister was there too and we were trying to deal with our son's latest escapade which put him back in rehab. She didn't give an inch. I'm done.

    So falls in line with her not getting "me". Took everything too seriously. No wiggle room on any plans that we'd make etc., would get "mad". Who needs the stress!
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, RN. I loved your point. I should have been done maybe not the first time but when she called the cops on me for stupid stuff like phone calls or emails. She knew I had little ones at home but I believe her need to control me through the cops, and I do believe she did it strictly for control, did not give her time to think that maybe the babies would be afraid of the cops. Nor did she care. The cops were nothing to her but a "ha ha" way to control me. That is who she is. I hate to admit it, but that os her. And she thinks she is an empath!!! I disagree!

    The harder part of all of this circus stuff was/is that rather than her being just a friend, it was and is my sister. My sister who I once adored more than anyone but my kids, even loved her more than my first husband. I wanted her to love me so much that it about killed me the first time she cut me off. I even dissed my sweet brother, whom she disliked, to be in her favor. Shame on me! SHAME! He is the best person ever! I blame myself and kick myself 1000% for that! What a stupid choice I made!

    Many years have passed. I never really.knew Sister's real self or why she cut me off so much and called the cops even after I moved out of state. There is no way she can claim that I was a threat to hurt her living so far away, not that I ever did even living close by. My husband is a good guy and kind to her face, but in private he loathes her for calling the cops for nothing and scaring our tiny kids by forcing the police to come over. He called her names and still does that I can't print here. But he would be only a gentleman to her face so she thinks he is okay with her. Ha! He thinks she is very sick. My kids all don't like her, but Princess will be cordial to people too to their faces. And she was. Sonic would too. Jumper would basically snub her. Sonic and Jumper were there for the cop visits that were for nothing. My sister is mean to me like my mother was and thinks mean things about me that are not true, like my mother thought. They are a lot alike.

    I never totally forgave the cop thing. And at this stage of my life, a good one, the only way I would consider her coming back again would be for her to explain and verbalize remorse for her wrongdoings. I already have apologized to her many times. She doesnt think she did anything wrong. Jeez. Delusions much?

    As it stands....what normal sister calls the cops on a sister for an email??? Or who lives in another state over a phone call? Nobody.

    It's not normal.

    My sister, whom I once felt was the strong one in our unstable family, is unable to detach from a Narcicistic man, is stringing along another very nice man while she still talks to and has feelings for the other one (this is so mean to Nice Man, but she always puts herself first) , has eating issues and thinks I am dangerous. Delusional much?

    She is the one at this point who needs help and I so can't fix her. She doesn't even know she needs the kind of help she needs. She will never acknowledge it. She tried to normalize her inability to break ties with a monster, the narcicist. She is obsessed with him. And she wont tell nice man her truth. I dont think she has romantic feelings for nice man. She will hurt him. She already broke up with nice man once for narcicist. Now she is lying to nice man, making him think he is only one. Hell, she is afraid to tell narcicist there is another man and that she is through with him! Because she doesn't want to lose narcicist, her real love. This nice man talks aboutarrying her, not aware that she loves and talks to narcicist. The nice man will get screwed, like many on her realm. Or she will marry him...he has money...and still talk to narcicist. Morals are not there. This is wrong, no?

    I am out of there. The past, the present, her thinking about me and just her treatment of nice man...there is no relationship for her and me to build up. We never had one. You don't call the cops on your sister ten or more times for her petty reasons unless you are sick. And you certainly don't deserve to be in my life if you think poorly of me. I like and know myself. I can stay with one kind man for 24 years. Since our marriage, there has only been him. He is the love of my lift. So glad I can love a nice man and that he loves me.

    HEY, SIS, YOU DON'T DESERVE ME IN YOUR LIFE!

    Thank you all so much. I needed to get that out. You all helped so much just by hearing me out.

    Now I can go on with life and read this thread of all the abuse if I ever have a soft moment. But I no longer miss her like so once did. I know who and what she is now.

    She hates when I journal here. I hope she doesn't read it. This was not written for her. But if she does read it, it was her decision. Too bad.

    I think you are all great. Can't wait to meet you.

    Time to get ready for work!!! :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    SWOT
    I have a sister who is 18 months older than me. I thought she was my closest friend and family member.

    My sister was trash taking me to her friends her entire life and I never knew. When I found out while visiting her once I was devastated and cut my visit short and cut her off. She weaseled her way back in and nothing had changed so I closed that door for a final time.

    It is so very difficult to do with family.

    Thai is now my sister who is facing wrongful death charges with the death of my father.

    Not having contact with her is the right thing to do.

    She called the police on me for e mail theft. I had used her computer while visiting her. This is where I discovered the lies she had been saying about me as she had left a chat room window open.
    I do not think she is a well person.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing this, littlebl.I know I am not the only one with siblings like this. I was so pathetic and disturbed myself in my 20s and early 30s that I let her mean more to me than she should have and will never be okay with how I went along with her against my brother. She made fun of him and did not invite him to het wedding. I shouldnt have gone either...that was so mean to do...but i was a gnarled mess back then...no excuse, just an explanation. Makes me sick at myself.

    Bro, who never hurt a soul in his entire life, lives far away. I owe him a long apology letter and, whether he wants one or not, he will get one. I never get to see him or I would face him down. He deserves to see me squirm. If he wont read my letter or listen to me, well, at least I tried. And I can't blame him. I only wish good for him. Funny my sister was able to right things with him. There must have been something in it for her, like she was trying to please my mother, who favored him. Who knows?

    My sister would never try to kill anyone, but she has a seriously ugly side I hadn't known about. Well, I knew, but I thought it was my fault. And she likes to get in the last word. Maybe she will find a way this time to say something last. That's okay. I don't care anymore.

    Something about Sis telling me that she felt I was a bigger threat to her than narcicist boyfriend who threatens her, abuses her with court threats and verbal diarrhea every week, and broke into her house (and she wont call the cops on him) just resonated with me in a VERY negative way. It is ridiculous and, yes, mean as well to call the cops on me for just annoying her but let him do what he does with no repercussions. Breaking in. No cops. Huh? Factoid: She loves him too much to tick him off so badly that he cuts HER off. Ok, I THINK its a fact. Nothing else makes sense...she is certainly not timid about calling the cops! But she will not on him. That would end his talking to her and she would freak if that happened. Addiction sucks.

    Thanks again for this. I am sure that this time I can stand strong, even if she bad mouths me. I won't read it or respond. I am certainly not going to check and see if she is doing it.

    Thanks again!
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2017
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    SWOT, I am so sorry that you have a sister like this. It sounds like it is time for you to let her go. Your parents are gone so you don't have a reason to see her or contact her.

    Please be aware that you will probably have to grieve the loss of your sister much like you would her death. Not the loss of the sister you have, but the loss of the chance to have a healthy sister who could love you. I will be honest and tell you that your sister and mother honestly sound like they are quite mentally ill. It sounds like paranoia focused on you, but I am no shrink. Whatever it is, it is unhealthy. And it is okay if you want to move on.

    As for the cops, I totally understand. I hung up on my brother after talking to him for over an hour one night. It was after 2 am and I had to get up for work at 6 am. He was drunk and in another state. He called the cops and told them my husband was assaulting me. I was so angry with him. My husband was in bed snoring!!!! My hubby wouldn't life a hand to me, ever!!

    Do what you need to in order to minimize this toxic idiot's presence in your life. She isn't playing with a full deck, and now you have proof!!!!
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, you always understood so well, although you may not remember answering when this came up before.

    My sister was not drunk. She totally did it for control. Yet she will never take any blame. To her, it is me. I should have cut it off long ago. My husband told me as much over a decade ago and continued to and to this day hopes I never speak to her again. He thinks she is very unwell. "Your family is nuts" are his words. Although he would like my bro.

    I once thought the only sick person was me. That's why I allowed the cops and excused it, really. I now know with certainty that it was certainly not me doing the extreme or the off and on cut offs. That was her. Borderline? What she accused me of? I truly think my mom had extreme Borderline (BPD) traits. She was truly cruel to me and when I fought back she got malicious. And she was unforgiving and had "golden"people and "bad" people, my being one. Yet she fought with her own mother, my beloved grandma who always loved and protected me. When my grandma was in a nursing home just before she died I heard my mom sarcastically telling my grandma how she favored her son in a mean way.

    My grandma didn't need that while she was so sick. I walked in and interrupted my mother, then she left. My grandma hated when my mom went off on her. She would talk about it to me. A lot.

    Back to Sis, I will need to mourn my sister. As poorly as she has continuously treated me, I love her and will grieve. But I am done listening to her silly assessments of me and, if I am honest, I am bone tired of her love and obsession for this very sick abusive man while she deceives and uses the nice man that she will never love..or come clean to. It's mean, like she is to me, and if she can't bear to dump the abuser, she should not in my opinion be in a relationship with another man who loves her. She is not attracted to nice man. Or doesnt want him to touch her likes boyfriend. She barely talks of him. Everything is about abuser. Non stop. Nice man will only get hurt, even if she marries him. Especially if. She has never been in a long term loving relationship with a kind, compatible, attentive man. She is in her late 50s. Will it ever happen? Not with Abuser I her life and she will not block him from her phone And he will never stop contacting her if she allows him access. M I venting much??? Gerrard. I am sorry. Sorry and fed up and feeling dumb for doing this dance for decades. Not the abuse of nice msn. The abuse of me!

    Well, my eyes are wide open now. Fortunately for her she is not alone. She has a group of extremely, well, odd and dysfunctional friends who seem to all have similar man problems, but it works for the group. None are in stable relationships. Some snort cocaine. But they support her. And she honestly, truly has lovely, bright kids, although I personally feel she puts too much of the details of her dysfunctional love problems on them. But that is none of my business.

    Yes, this is my divorce from my sister. I don't know what else to call it, but I am done. But grief isn't logical, is it?

    I am sorry this was so long. I am at the beginning of my grieving period so I'm babbling. Yuk on me!

    But I am better today.

    Thanks for your post, Susie. I do hope to meet you in St. Louis. I owe you a big hug :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2017