Every chance he gets...he uses

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Oct 5, 2013.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    And then because of the aftermath gives himself another reason to use.

    I got this text from daughter in law last night...

    "difficult child was on Zanax last night, but he doesn't see it as a big deal because he didn't pay for them as that guy J gave them to him. But yet it cost me gas, cigs, stress, and exhaustion. Our son was talking to me after school about how daddy was acting strange last night talking about how daddy was crying to him about how sorry he is that he's not a good dad. I tried to wake difficult child up this morning cause I didn't feel it was fair for him to keep me up all night and for me to be the only one awake all day. Against all efforts, difficult child slept til 2:30 and then he went on a tangent this morning about how little he gets compared to how much he does around here! Uh yeah right."

    So the way I see it...Young difficult child's days are numbered at his mother in law's.
    I can't believe he is emotionally unraveling to his son. What in the world is little Joey supposed to do with this!?!
    The whole situation makes me sad...and still angry.

    He reminds me of my now deceased alcoholic bio dad...is even the spitting image of who he was.
    I think he see's himself as a victim and feels incredibly sorry for himself.

    I am so tired of it...and wondering when his wife is going to be sick enough of it too!
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry Tammy. Sending caring hugs and prayers for your family.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    So sorry!
  4. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    I'm very sorry. :(
  5. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    I think a lot of difficult children see themselves as victims. They don't see the hurt they cause to those that care for them, all they see is the (perceived) hurt that the world has caused them. I am sick and tired of hear about how miserable my sons life is-a life that he 100% created for himself. A few weeks back he dropped by for an uninvited visit. My wife noticed that he had a rubber stamp on the back of his hand, the kind you get when you go to a nightclub. My wife made some comment about how in the situation he is in he should be saving every cent he has rather than blowing his money going out drinking. Well he starts this whole poor me rant about how his life is so terrible, he's so loney, he's so depressed, and he absolutely hates living in a basement, and how he deserves some fun. "Fun" is what got him in trouble in the first place. Apparently he was having so much fun getting high with his girlfriend that he forgot to pay his bills or go to work sober.
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I hear you about this self-imposed misery. It's a vicious cylce.
    They use...they get consequences...they get consequences...they use.

    Thank you all for the care and prayers.
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS, I'm so sorry that your difficult child is going down this path again. I know you had high hopes when he first got home. I think the rollercoaster is the worst part of having a difficult child.

  8. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I'm so sorry LMS :( Your difficult child is so mule headed but also willfully using in the face of great loss he has caused himself. I too have wondered when his wife will have enough and take the step to break the tie. Husband or not, he is not in a place to be a husband, nor frankly a healthy father. Do I believe it's in him? Of course. I don't see that he's capable right now, nor for a long time now. I do hope he gets much needed help however it may take some jarring lessons in life and more loss for him to hit that proverbial bottom.

    You well know the 10 year history with my (now ex) S/O. All of those many sober years and he blew it all and I had to stand my ground (Which I will NEVER regret, not for a second) and end things. I didn't do it half butted either, I did it with an all or nothing approach. For me it was the E-N-D. Well in the months since, he has spiraled downward further and I do not know who that man is, surely not the man I spent a decade of my life with. I'm glad he's gone, I must say! He lost his new job here in this new town we all moved to FOR him and his work. First job he has ever been fired from. Due to his drinking too, which makes it even sadder. He then, after months respecting my demand that we have zero contact, he got rip roaring drunk mid week and in a drunk stupor, took his mothers car keys at dinner time and headed to MY new apartment to get into my face (Guessing his plan was that, or begging me, either way, not okay!) and ended up crashing his mothers car into a truck as he plowed past a stop sign into traffic. Her car is a complete write off and I am merely grateful he didn't hurt anyone! He then finagled my new unlisted number from the one relative of his that I stayed in touch with (I was very hurt that she would give out my number, and it turns out give out personal info as well!) and I had a call from him. I was livid. I made it plainly clear to him that he was not to call me, not to ever try coming to my door, etc. It was a very ugly call that I certainly didn't want to deal with. Fast forward a few weeks, and from personal info shared by this "relative", he was aware that I go with a female friend to a local place near me to listen to music and have a glass of wine/dance etc. Well this past Friday, who was in there drunk out of his skull? Yup, former S/O! I didn't even notice until the owner of the place came to serve me a second glass of wine and asked who was death glaring me (former S/O was sitting behind me where I didn't notice him). I was shocked to see him and more shocked to learn he has been in there a few times, always drunk and watching the door. Well Friday I am told by the owner that he was there doing the same thing, drunk and staring down the door, until I walked in. Then his eyes never left me and his glare and rage and posture alarmed the owner who clearly knew something was very wrong and that former S/O had been coming in waiting for a night like Friday, where I finally walked into the place. I explained briefly to the owner who he was. Thank goodness this town is microscopic small and I know the owner well now. In fact I'm hosting a huge fundraising night in his bar so have been dealing with him on that level frequently as of late. Owner said "thats enough to do it for me!" and grabbed the bouncer and had to aggressively eject S/O from the place. He also informed S/O that due to the concern over his blatant aggressive looks toward a patron (me), it was a permanent ban from the place. I was so relieved.

    You would think that losing so much, so quickly would create "bottom " for an addict. Sadly, it often takes MORE. What more? I have no earthly idea what brings a individual bottom to someone LMS. My now ex S/O has lost me and the kids, his home, his entire life. His new great job. His drivers license. He faces jail time and a lifetime loss of his drivers license. He is living in his mothers small 2 bedroom apartment and has nothing really in his life. He continues to feed his addiction. I see the same thing, sadly, with your difficult child right now.

    Please know I "get it", and I am proud of you detaching. I hope your difficult children wife can also recognize that for herself and your grands, she too is going to have to draw that firm line in the sand for their sakes. difficult child must surely know that he faces losing them, yet addiction is winning out. I'll be keeping the entire lot of you in my thoughts and really hope that difficult children wife does what she surely must do for herself and the kids, while also hoping that something turns on in your difficult child's head to make him see the desperate need for sobriety but also for some serious therapy. Hugs to you.
  9. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    You are incredibly strong and resolute gal I must say!
    I am so glad you have people looking out for you in your little town...does sound like SO is a lose cannon right now...and I am so sorry to hear this too.

    Kathy and Mattsmom,
    I have no idea what it will take for difficult child to hit bottom! husband says he's like a catfish that just bounces around the bottom...but I think it's coming to an end soon.

    daughter in law told me yesterday that difficult child sleeps half the days, does not help do much of anything at her mother's home. And her mother is supporting difficult child, daughter in law, the grandkids, and even her EX. I'll tell ya, on the one I have so much respect for daughter in law's mother for working so hard...on the other hand, what is she thinking!?! All of these people are using her. Of course I understand not letting out grandkids hit hard times...and therefore daughter in law too. But her EX and difficult child???
    I would kick both of them out!

    husband and I gave difficult child a nice home to live in, provided a job, a truck, his family over frequently, nice dinner times, good birthdays for the kids and a good Christmas time too when he first came home from prison.
    It only took what...2/3 months before he was "admitting" to some use. And there was nothing wrong...No SANE reason to use.

    daughter in law told me yesterday that difficult child just wants to live with her and her mother and the EX for 3 more months and then go back to prison where he will do (we think) one year left of time on his 3 yr sentence (1 yr in prison initially, 1 yr out, and then one more in).
    But to what end? So he gets out again...with no job, no truck, possibly no family except for husband and I.

    Maybe we should have all let him come out into the free world and immediately go to a prison sponsered half way house and "work for everything" himself.
    I say "work for everything" because daughter in law passed by her old neighborhood awhile back and saw a mom working in the yard. A mom of a once very charming, good looking, "had it all going for him", young man. daughter in law stopped to visit with the mom and ask how this young man was today. In her sadness, the mother revealed that son was an alcoholic and became depressed and suicidal and jumped to his death out of his Apt building.
    daughter in law told her about difficult child. And the mom told daughter in law "make him work for everything".
    Now this is a mom who's heart has paid the ultimate price...she must know something of great importance!

    Make him work for everything...maybe that is key.
    I try hard now with my grandson...trying to do what I can to compensate for the error I made in raising my own difficult child's. I did SO MUCH for my difficult child's when they were young...really, what did they have to work hard for? It was me who was exerting so much thought, time and energy...effort. I thought that's what a good mom does.
    I think today that I was wrong. It is about teaching them to "do for self". That's where I think I messed up most.

    Yesterday I took the the oldest 2 grandchildren to the State Fair.
    Grandson gave me his push up popsickle to unwrap for him. I gave it back to him after pulling just a little corner of the paper to get it started. I expected him to pull the wrapping off himself. I do this all the time now with him...little things yes, but I am trying to send a messege. I try and keep my hands off of what he can do for self! How I wish I could go back in time and teach my difficult child's differently.

    I want to learn what I can do to make a difference for my grandchildren. Not to say difficult child is a lost cause...but there is a new generation to participate in raising. I SO HOPE my grandchildren will skip the demise of addiction and go on to live rich meaningful lives. Failure and loss is no way to be defined!

    Again, I am so very sorry to hear about SO, the betrayal from the relative, the loss of your relationship.
    So sad what gifts they take for granted.

    Thinking of you,
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tammy, I am sorry. I know the heartbreak of watching our offspring spiral down a chute you can't pull them out of.

    I also understand that feeling of recognizing how we have to "make them work for everything."..........I did way too much for my own daughter as well................I too thought that was what a good mom does.........I didn't have a good mom, so I just didn't know.............and now? I am NOT doing that with my granddaughter........she is working for everything and I can see the pride in her, the power that builds within from doing it herself.

    I felt much guilt about my difficult child and thought she is who she is because I enabled her.............however, at some point one can turn their own lives around..........or not............it is no longer up to me............letting go of that is tough but we can do it......... and as you so beautifully stated, "there is a new generation to participate in raising."

    My prayers are with you Tammy..............hugs..............hang in there...........
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    LMS.... thinking about you and my heart breaks right along with you. It is so frustrating when they just keep doing this stuff to themselves. Sorry I have not been onlist for a while but I have thought about you.

  12. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    LMS -

    It saddens me to hear that even the love of his wife and children isn't enough to pull difficult child out of his downward spiral. Maybe jail would be the best place for him - to get clean, to learn what it feels like to have nothing, to realize what love and hope he has in his life that he is throwing away. You and husband have tried so hard over the years.

    Good luck to you.
  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Sven, TL, RE and all...

    I wasn't going to post about young difficult child till I knew more but it seems young difficult child is at a hospital right now.
    We don't know what "kind" of hospital at the moment.

    Apparently, young difficult child did make a sell on his Lego's. A sell that he was sent more than half the money for yesterday. He immediately left his mother in law's and apparently went to buy drugs. He came back crying to his son (who is only 5 yrs old!) and his mother in law about what a bad dad he is. He left in the middle of the night and this morning I got a text from him saying "call me it's important". I did call him and found out about him being in the hospital (supposibly re his pacemaker). husband thinks he is there to get more drugs.

    I just spoke with daughter in law again and she tells me that young difficult child texted her one last time and said that his truck was at the hospital and that he would be "gone" awhile and would be back and need the rest of his things.

    The last text I got from him said,
    "I don't want to see any of you anyway. I don't want a funeral so if something happens ya'll better not hold one."

    From all the conversations I've had with daughter in law today all I hear over and over is self pity and victimhood.
    I hope and pray he will get the help he so desperately needs.

    Meanwhile, daughter in law is coming to some realisations...Mainly that she keeps cleaning up after young difficult child's messes.
    She will be shipping the Legos off to Ca tomorrow as the man buying them for his son is now threatening action if he doesn't receive them soon. daughter in law also shared with me a text difficult child sent to this man using daughter in law's phone... basically emotionally unraveling to him. Young difficult child has also contacted his last previous employer and told him he is in the hospital. It sounds like he wants someone to save him, in my opinion. But he has used everyone up.

    daughter in law was cooking when I just called her, baby crying to be fed, then bath time, story book time and bed. Up early tomorrow for grandson's kindergarten class and then daughter in law will need to ship these Legos off to Ca.
    All the while taking care of her mother who is barely getting around due to just having knee surgery this past week.

    Yep, young difficult child was given SO SO much...and none of it was enough and he feels no sense of responsibility towards anyone...not even his children.

    I try to remember what Ant'smom always says at the bottom of her page,
    "God has a plan".

  14. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    "God has a plan."

    I think that's the only thing that is getting me through each and every day. This is all new to me, I can't even imagine being in your shoes and going through this for so many years now. I'm so sorry!! :(
  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you comatheart,

    It has been alot of years but we don't give up do we...we just get stronger.
    We cannot allow the drug addict to destroy the rest of us.

    It's one day at a time,
    ps...Have you gotten yourself involved with a support group like Al Anon or Families Anon yet? That can REALLY help too!
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sending loving support your way, LMS. DDD
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Lots of Hugs
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    DDD and Pasajes,
    Thank you both so much for the hugs, care and support.

    Right now young difficult child is missing.
    No one has seen him since early Sunday morning.
    His truck (along with a pack of cigarettes in the front seat) is at a hospital near daughter in law's mom's home.
    daughter in law drove there and spoke with hospital staff who would only tell her that he had been admitted and discharged on Sunday.

    I am hoping that he "told on himself" re drug use and is perhaps at a mental hospital or a rehab of some sort.
    I have no idea where he is and find it interesting that he left his truck (along with cigs) at the hospital.

    Please say a prayer that he is in the process of getting some type of meaningful help for himself.
    Thank you all,
  19. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    I hope so too! I'm so sorry LMS...
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Saying a prayer for young difficult child. Let us know where he is...........thinking of you LMS, sending hugs.........