Every day...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Roxona, Mar 14, 2016.

  1. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Every day someone has to be difficult. If it's not one Difficult Child, it's another. I can't catch a break. It's like they are tag teaming me, and I don't have anyone to tag out with. I'm so stressed by it all that it takes an entire day to let it go, and them BAM! I start all over again.

    Today J is angry because his grandmother (not mentally stable herself) promised that she sent him a birthday check two weeks ago, but can't remember what address she sent it to (our current house or my rental house). I put my tenants on notice last week, but they haven't seen anything. J went into a full out rage because I wouldn't take my tenants mailbox key from them so he could check the mail. He insists they have his money. My tenants have secret clearances at the air force base, pay their rent on time, keep my property clean and have been friends for several years. There's no way they would deprive J of his b-day money. This explanation wasn't acceptable for J. He kept raging and so I went to my room to hide and decompress. He followed and continued to yell at my door. I threatened to call the police if he didn't stop. He wouldn't stop, so I tried to leave the house with my dog instead. He wouldn't let me, so I lost it. The anxiety and panic was hitting me hard, and I was having trouble breathing. I started screaming, which scared the bejeebez out of J. He ran to the bathroom not knowing what to do. He's never seen me be that upset. As soon as he walked away, I grabbed the dog and ran to my truck. I only drove down the block and hid out in a cul-de-sac until I could calm down enough to call my husband. J punched a huge hole into his closet door, and left the house.

    This is the first rage since before he went to rehab...so it's been about seven months. He called me later and was completely ashamed and remorseful. He had also called to apologize to my husband, and was trying to get a hold of his girlfriend because apparently he had taken it out on her too. He asked if he could come home so we could talk, and the conversation was much better. He says he doesn't know why he got so upset. Says it really wasn't about the money because he was getting paid from work today. Says he doesn't remember most of what happened, but realizes he was at fault. Says he isn't using again...it was just sudden anger that came out of no where. I know he has a lot of anger about the situation he has put himself into. I don't think he is using meth because he's been sleeping and has been eating and gaining a little weight. Says he is worried that SS10 is going to turn out like him and his angry because we were thinking about sending SS10 to in-patient treatment, which we can't because he has some what stabilized.

    I was so hoping to have a decent day today. The sun was out yesterday, and I was so productive. The sun is out today too, but it's noon now, and I'm immobilized. I have so much to do, but cannot seem to move forward.

    Do any of you have a trick you use to get you unstuck and moving forward again?
  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Here you go, Roxona. I will zap you with a cyber cattle prod. :highvoltage: Did that unstick you?

    The good news is that J quickly realized his bad behavior, apologized for it, and is remorseful. He is also concerned for SS10 which you can use to your advantage. Remind J that young kids imitate the behavior of their older siblings. If he's worried about SS10, the best thing he can do it get his own anger under control.
  3. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Ha! I love that emoticon! It's great. Thankfully, I managed to kick-start my derriere and move some laundry through.

    J doesn't spend any time with the steps. He hates who he is and thoroughly believes he doesn't deserve a nice life. He sold meth to a guy once and the guy's pregnant girlfriend OD'd...the baby didn't make it. J had no idea the guy even had a girlfriend, but he's torn up about the baby. He blames himself. He thinks he's a bad influence and feels the less time he spends with the steps, the better off they will be. I agree with you...he really needs to get control of his anger. It has been less of a problem since rehab, but shows up from time to time. He refuses to go to counseling.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Counseling isn't the only answer. In fact, for some of our kids, it's worse than not going. It depends on how the kid is wired, and what kind of a counselor you end up with, and whether or not they click...

    Self-help resources? A mentor or older family friend who he can talk it through with when he gets mad - a different outlet? There's probably more ways that those, too.
  5. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    I think there's truth in that. He did try one counselor, but they didn't click. I never met her, but the director of the counseling office remarked that she looked just like Mrs. Doubtfire. He adored his counselor in rehab, but she isn't allowed to see him outside of rehab. She calls me every couple of months to check on him, and to let him know he can call her if he has an emergency. I wish so much that he could see her. I think she could help him by leaps and bounds.
  6. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    My son is seeing a therapist whose specialty is helping men cope with anger issues. I personally think the best person to help a man find ways to healthily cope with anger is another man. Ferb's "default" emotion is anger. He gets angry over seemingly inconsequential things like . . . a delayed birthday check. Deep down I think he feels anger/hurt/grief at his father for ignoring him and for going nuts. I think sometimes that it is easier for people to feel anger over the other "softer" emotions like grief. Anger makes the person feel strong and powerful. The other emotions leave a person feeling vulnerable. In order to mature, we have to be willing to wade through those deep, sad emotions so that the anger isn't welling up inappropriately and causing us to blow up and hurt our loved ones. I know a lot of adults who are jerked around by their own anger.

    I told Ferb during a calm time that I had researched a new therapist who could help him reign in his anger. It took him many months of thinking about that idea and a smashed cell phone which I refused to replace. One day he came to me and begged me to take him to see the anger management therapist. Maybe it's like people who are addicted to drugs. Maybe they need to understand that lack of control over their anger is causing them serious problems, and they need to want help before real change can occur.

    Maybe J will change his mind about spending time with SS10. Ferb began to mature when he started to spend time with SO's grandkids. They look up to him and count on him. I think our connections to our friends and family are what help us to grow as people.
  7. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    Maturity. That's the part I think gets J every time. He has always been about two to three years behind his peers in maturity. J just turned 20, and right now I have started seeing him acting like a normal teenager, instead of the rebellious, anti-social person I have experienced since he turned 18. Right now I see him trying very hard to figure out the next steps to his success and independence. He has a girlfriend, and right now I see him looking to the future of what he might have with her. Never before did he look this way to me. From 16-18 we had a geeky boy who was obsessed with video games and acting like a 14 year old. At 18 we lost him for a good year and a half. Now I feel like I have the geeky boy back but with more maturity. He's not where he's supposed to be at 20, but I'll take it (minus the raging anger please). Perhaps by the time he's 22, he'll be in community college working on a trade. I'd be okay with that because at least I would have him back from the hell he got sucked into and back on the right track.