Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Every (rare) Family Gathering.....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 726071" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>It is never fun when our children actively try to embarrass us around our relatives. Maybe you need to start putting his behavior on him. Tell the relatives that you have done all you can to teach him good manners and behavior, but he just refuses to behave well. If they have a problem with his manners or behavior, they need to speak directly to him as he is an adult. I know my parents were not thrilled when I told them this about my daughter. She lived with me, but she was an adult and was responsible for her own behavior. I would let her know that her grandmother wanted to speak with her, but that was all I would do about the matter. You don't have to feel embarrassment because he behaved badly. You taught him better, he chose to behave badly. That is on him, not you.My daughter is usually well behaved but whatever she had done, she didn't do it again after Grandma explained that it was not a good thing to do. If she had done it again, I would not have been the one that heard about it. If I did hear about it, I would have told them it was not my problem. Mostly because it wasn't. I didn't do it.</p><p></p><p>It is hard when you first start to think like this, but after a while it actually becomes natural. You stop owning everything, and that is a good thing. You cannot control your son, no matter what you do, say, tolerate or buy for him. I don't care how afraid or sensitive he is. He has to own his own actions, and he is the only one in control of his behavior and choices. HE needs to be the one to reap the consequences, not you. If you feel bad and he does not, he is not reaping any consequences. The only one with consequences is you. </p><p></p><p>I hope your new year gets better. Maybe your family gatherings in 2018 should not include your son. He clearly doesn't want to be there. so don't even mention it to him. Just don't include him at all. When he asks why he wasn't invited, tell him that you knew his poor behavior would embarrass him and upset everyone else, so you just went without him. Act like it is no big deal. When he plays the "you just don't want me around, you don't love me" card, brush it off like nonsense. Tell him not to be silly, you just wanted to spare him the embarrassment of not being able to control himself. When he is better able to control himself, he will be welcome to join the family at gatherings." Not that YOU will love him, that HE will be welcome. The focus is on him, on HIS control of his behavior, on HIS embarrassment. None of it is on you being embarrassed or you not wanting him there. Mostly because it isn't about you, though you are embarrassed for him because he doesn't have the sense right now to be embarrassed for himself. </p><p></p><p>With this, the more matter of fact you are as you put the emphasis on HIM and not you, the more effective it will be. With his tantrums, if you address them, be matter of fact and keep your emotions low. Don't yell or respond with a lot of drama. He is high emotion and he wants a high emotion response. There is a school of thought that says you can get sort of hooked on the adrenaline of the conflama (conflict + drama, don't you think it expresses what they want perfectly?). Then when you don't have it, you want to make it. You create a crisis or throw a tantrum just to get that adrenaline rush. That is where a lot of the high emotion comes from. The less emotion you give in response, the less adrenaline the person will get. Over a period of time, they will adjust to having less adrenaline around you, and stop looking to you for adrenaline. I know it worked with Wiz.</p><p></p><p>He wanted the adrenaline from high emotion. For quite a long time, he could get me angry enough to yell. That meant he got his adrenaline. Finally I learned about this school of thought. The adrenaline triggers the flight or fight response and keeps other thought processes from happening. So real problem solving cannot occur when you are yelling or having an angry outburst. The more I learned to control my anger, and to not give Wiz that high emotion response, the less adrenaline he got. The more he was adjusting to lower levels of adrenaline. Finally he wasn't able to get what he thought he needed from me or from his father. </p><p></p><p>He started to respond more to us without the conflama. He was still a problem, and still violent, be we had fewer of the outburst overall. We went from 2-3 outbursts a day to maybe 2-3 a week with a serious one every 2 weeks. That was a huge improvement. I don't think your son is where Wiz was, and I think responding to him without giving him the high emotion he wants will confuse him and eventually help stop some of his outbursts. The more matter of fact you are when he goes off on his tirades, or even the more you ignore them or hang up on them, the fewer you eventually will have.</p><p></p><p>I say eventually because the difficult child always ramps up first. When you change how you handle something, they ramp up what they are doing to try to get you to go back to giving them what they want. Surely if they are just awful enough, persistent enough, they will get what they want. If you continue in your new calmness, in ignoring him or walking away, maybe even quietly reducing the amount of whatever privileges he gets (buy less of his snack foods, or give him fewer rides because you are 'busy', whatever) due to his ramping up, he will figure it out. He will adjust to the idea that this isn't giving him what he wants and he will reduce the behavior. If this is going to work. Tantrums and whining and ranting at you are usually to get your attention and make you do what he wants, so if they result in getting less of your attention, and less conflama, the chances are high that he will stop the tantrums etc...</p><p></p><p>Regarding his Christmas present, I hope you intend to sell the tickets. Or at least use them if you or your husband or another family member would like them. He is an adult and his words should be taken seriously. He wants to be treated like a mature adult, and you should do this. This means that you should sell the tickets or use them yourself. If you sell them, he does not get the money. Use it for something you want, or blow it on a fancy meal or something that pleases you. NOT something for him!!! He pretty much told you it wasn't good enough for him, and was truly rude and ungrateful about it. As an adult, he needs to learn that if you say something, people will take you at your word, even family. Don't let him throw it up to you in the future. The minute he brings it up to hold it against you, end the conversation. Just hang up or walk away or tell him to leave. If he won't leave, turn on the tv or pick up a book or do anything to ignore him. I have a particular "ear worm" song that I used to use when Wiz or my brother wouldn't go away and wouldn't let me leave but I was done talking to them. It would work like a charm, and it stuck with them for the rest of the day usually. It stuck with me sometimes too, but it was worth it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 726071, member: 1233"] It is never fun when our children actively try to embarrass us around our relatives. Maybe you need to start putting his behavior on him. Tell the relatives that you have done all you can to teach him good manners and behavior, but he just refuses to behave well. If they have a problem with his manners or behavior, they need to speak directly to him as he is an adult. I know my parents were not thrilled when I told them this about my daughter. She lived with me, but she was an adult and was responsible for her own behavior. I would let her know that her grandmother wanted to speak with her, but that was all I would do about the matter. You don't have to feel embarrassment because he behaved badly. You taught him better, he chose to behave badly. That is on him, not you.My daughter is usually well behaved but whatever she had done, she didn't do it again after Grandma explained that it was not a good thing to do. If she had done it again, I would not have been the one that heard about it. If I did hear about it, I would have told them it was not my problem. Mostly because it wasn't. I didn't do it. It is hard when you first start to think like this, but after a while it actually becomes natural. You stop owning everything, and that is a good thing. You cannot control your son, no matter what you do, say, tolerate or buy for him. I don't care how afraid or sensitive he is. He has to own his own actions, and he is the only one in control of his behavior and choices. HE needs to be the one to reap the consequences, not you. If you feel bad and he does not, he is not reaping any consequences. The only one with consequences is you. I hope your new year gets better. Maybe your family gatherings in 2018 should not include your son. He clearly doesn't want to be there. so don't even mention it to him. Just don't include him at all. When he asks why he wasn't invited, tell him that you knew his poor behavior would embarrass him and upset everyone else, so you just went without him. Act like it is no big deal. When he plays the "you just don't want me around, you don't love me" card, brush it off like nonsense. Tell him not to be silly, you just wanted to spare him the embarrassment of not being able to control himself. When he is better able to control himself, he will be welcome to join the family at gatherings." Not that YOU will love him, that HE will be welcome. The focus is on him, on HIS control of his behavior, on HIS embarrassment. None of it is on you being embarrassed or you not wanting him there. Mostly because it isn't about you, though you are embarrassed for him because he doesn't have the sense right now to be embarrassed for himself. With this, the more matter of fact you are as you put the emphasis on HIM and not you, the more effective it will be. With his tantrums, if you address them, be matter of fact and keep your emotions low. Don't yell or respond with a lot of drama. He is high emotion and he wants a high emotion response. There is a school of thought that says you can get sort of hooked on the adrenaline of the conflama (conflict + drama, don't you think it expresses what they want perfectly?). Then when you don't have it, you want to make it. You create a crisis or throw a tantrum just to get that adrenaline rush. That is where a lot of the high emotion comes from. The less emotion you give in response, the less adrenaline the person will get. Over a period of time, they will adjust to having less adrenaline around you, and stop looking to you for adrenaline. I know it worked with Wiz. He wanted the adrenaline from high emotion. For quite a long time, he could get me angry enough to yell. That meant he got his adrenaline. Finally I learned about this school of thought. The adrenaline triggers the flight or fight response and keeps other thought processes from happening. So real problem solving cannot occur when you are yelling or having an angry outburst. The more I learned to control my anger, and to not give Wiz that high emotion response, the less adrenaline he got. The more he was adjusting to lower levels of adrenaline. Finally he wasn't able to get what he thought he needed from me or from his father. He started to respond more to us without the conflama. He was still a problem, and still violent, be we had fewer of the outburst overall. We went from 2-3 outbursts a day to maybe 2-3 a week with a serious one every 2 weeks. That was a huge improvement. I don't think your son is where Wiz was, and I think responding to him without giving him the high emotion he wants will confuse him and eventually help stop some of his outbursts. The more matter of fact you are when he goes off on his tirades, or even the more you ignore them or hang up on them, the fewer you eventually will have. I say eventually because the difficult child always ramps up first. When you change how you handle something, they ramp up what they are doing to try to get you to go back to giving them what they want. Surely if they are just awful enough, persistent enough, they will get what they want. If you continue in your new calmness, in ignoring him or walking away, maybe even quietly reducing the amount of whatever privileges he gets (buy less of his snack foods, or give him fewer rides because you are 'busy', whatever) due to his ramping up, he will figure it out. He will adjust to the idea that this isn't giving him what he wants and he will reduce the behavior. If this is going to work. Tantrums and whining and ranting at you are usually to get your attention and make you do what he wants, so if they result in getting less of your attention, and less conflama, the chances are high that he will stop the tantrums etc... Regarding his Christmas present, I hope you intend to sell the tickets. Or at least use them if you or your husband or another family member would like them. He is an adult and his words should be taken seriously. He wants to be treated like a mature adult, and you should do this. This means that you should sell the tickets or use them yourself. If you sell them, he does not get the money. Use it for something you want, or blow it on a fancy meal or something that pleases you. NOT something for him!!! He pretty much told you it wasn't good enough for him, and was truly rude and ungrateful about it. As an adult, he needs to learn that if you say something, people will take you at your word, even family. Don't let him throw it up to you in the future. The minute he brings it up to hold it against you, end the conversation. Just hang up or walk away or tell him to leave. If he won't leave, turn on the tv or pick up a book or do anything to ignore him. I have a particular "ear worm" song that I used to use when Wiz or my brother wouldn't go away and wouldn't let me leave but I was done talking to them. It would work like a charm, and it stuck with them for the rest of the day usually. It stuck with me sometimes too, but it was worth it. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Every (rare) Family Gathering.....
Top