Every time I think... (long vent)

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mstang67chic, Feb 18, 2009.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    ...that husband and I are closer to being on the same page, something happens to shoot my theory all to heck.

    difficult child was supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment this evening. I had arrangements made to have someone pick him up at our house and bring him half way to where I work. About an hour before I'm supposed to meet my friend, husband calls. difficult child basically flipped over the appointment and declared that he wasn't going, hasn't taken his medications for over a week and is FINE and he's not living here anymore. Then he grabbed some clothes and left.

    One of the big rules (at least on my part although husband says he agrees) is that if difficult child isn't medicated, now that he's 18, he's not living here. Period. The minute he turned 18, difficult child cancelled everything (counseling, case management, etc) except his psychiatrist. Guess he's decided to cancel that now too.

    I called husband on my way home from work. He was home but getting ready to leave for class. difficult child was still gone so I told husband to make sure the house was locked up as well as the garage. (difficult child does not have a key). I get home and husband may as well have just thrown the doors wide open. Nothing was locked, not even our bedroom door which is something that is ALWAYS locked when we're not home. I go around locking everything up and while I'm outside taking care of the garage, husband pulls in the drive and has difficult child with him. I haven't heard this stupendous plan yet but supposedly husband and difficult child had a chat on the way to the house and husband has it allllllllllllll figured out. What the @#$%^& is there to figure out? We've talked and talked and talked and talked to difficult child over the years....he's refusing his medications AND he's 18. What part of Out. Of. The. House. does husband not get???? (his reply? But he has nowhere to go......yeah well....that's HIS fault. NOT. ours.)

    I swear....husband has one reason after another why we can't kick difficult child out. He needs to finish school (this is his SECOND senior year and he's not going to graduate this time either), he has nowhere to go (that's my fault why?)....etc. I keep telling him that I can't do this much longer and he keeps telling me that he knows and understands. Uh huh. Actions speak louder than words. I'm almost ready to be the one who moves out but at the same time, I'll be d@mned if I'm run out of my own flipping home.

    This kid absolutely refuses to do ANYTHING to help himself or participate in his own life. Not. A. Thing. He is in bed 95 percent of the time he's home, he raises holy hell if asked to do one of his few and measly chores (ya know...'cause he lives here too), eats and drinks anything in the house even if he's been told it's for something specific or is covered in notes that say DO NOT EAT. husband gets irritated with me when I cook supper and don't tell difficult child it's ready. Sorry but this isn't a restaurant...if he wants to eat with the family, then he needs to act like a part of it. He's obviously eaten something....just look in the kitchen and you can tell. Pot pie boxes everywhere, food on the floor, cooked egg dripping and crusted down the sides of the pan and in the burner pan. (I had to take oven cleaner to the drip pans to get them clean it was so bad) If husband and I go out to eat, we have to take difficult child something home.

    I have so had it.
  2. Janna

    Janna New Member




    I have a spare room. Email me for directions.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I"m so sorry you are going through this and sheesh vent away we are all here to listen. Hes' decompensating and husband sounds like he's in major denial. It can be so difficult when one parent is the strongest of the two with whom has taken the time to gut themselves out (that being you) to accept reality and take action on how to respond properly to that reality.

    husband is just as you said wrapped up in emotions and in denial and he isnt' helping him at all by doing what he's doing.

    I wish I could offer you some helpful advice about this situation, i know you have had numerous conversations with husband regarding this, and it's like hitting your head into a brick wall over and over again. I can say that I do get it, my ex does not accept or get my daughter's illness never has never will.

    I'm just sending you hugs!!!!! Lots of them! Is there anyone else that you think husband might listen to, does he have any friends that would take the time to sit him down and explain what you have been trying to drive home to him now for a long time??
  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Check your messenger.
  5. Janna

    Janna New Member


    Is that you driving over? LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    I'm sorry. You know, I know you laugh at my stuff (don't think I don't remember the tool jokes). So...yeah, I'm laughing.
  6. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    See, that's the thing. husband's mother is schizophrenic (bad) and he is her guardian. He KNOWS about this stuff. Yeah, he's a little softhearted with her too but nowhere near this bad. He knows when she gets to a certain point, he'll have to put her in the hospital or do SOMETHING. But when it comes to difficult child? Nadda.

    Who knew that one of the reasons I fell in love with husband (kind hearted) would come around and bite me in the butt.
  7. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    I am so sorry you are so frustrated! Your husband sounds as though he is such an enabler and needs some counseling himself. Maybe you should make your husband a list of things around the house that need to be cleaned, taken care of, restocked, etc due to your son. And your husband has to understand that ds is now an adult and needs a JOB to help pay his way if he is going to stay in your home. That there are RULES and they need to be followed or he can go find his own place to set his own rules and then if he wants to live in filth and stay in bed and can't pay the rent, then that is HIS own fault and not yours. I know we all love our children, but sometimes we have to put our foot down and say NO MORE enabling, and it is time for them to grow up!
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Said it all before to husband. Many, many times. He has been involved with rule making, contract for living here when difficult child turned 18, asked about counseling appointments, the whole shebang.

    But something in his little pea brain (sorry..still venting) keeps thinking WE can FIX difficult child. Nope, not going to happen. He's a big boy now and we've done all we can. It's all on him now so why the hell are we still "holding his hand"????
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    When I read your post....it reminded me a lot of my husband's attitude--that is, BEFORE he was a lot more involved with difficult child. I'm not sure that this is the situation in your household...but my husband used to work incredibly long hours. So he was never home for the getting-ready-for-school hassles in the morning, nor the getting-home-from-school hassles in the afternoon, nor the homework battles, nor the chore battles, nor the please-for-the-love-of-God-take-a-shower battles. At the end of the day he would listen to my venting and ranting and raving and seem to understand--but he was aboslutely positive that we could fix it.

    Then, husband was laid off....and so I went to work. And suddenly, everything was on husband. At first, he was still very sure that he could "fix" everything....and because he wasn't working, he had plenty of time and patience to try.

    But now that he is back to work (and due to schedules HE is the one that is there for the getting-ready-for-school hassles, and the chore battles and on and on and on) he is finally experiencing first-hand the STRESS I have been complaining about all these years. He is finally experiencing the constant "wrench in the works" from difficult child's non-compliance at every little thing.

    And FINALLY--he gets it!!!!

    So, it seems to me that you need to arrange to take an e-x-t-e-n-d-e-d v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n somewhere (go stay at a friend's house for a month)....and let husband come home every day to the crusted egg mess, and to clean the kitchen and the dishes after difficult child every day, fix difficult child dinner every day, and do difficult child's laundry everyday and all the other chores that go into taking care of the household--and then let him deal with difficult child's ungrateful attitude, the treating the house like a dump, the laying around doind nothing, etc etc.

    Ten bucks says difficult child's suitcases will be on the front porch before you even return home....

  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'm free after Saturday and I think if we hurry we can catch the boat to Mexico to hang out with TOTO's dad.

    I really like the idea the other poster had about giving your husband your SONs list of chores to do. Make a written list - hand it to him and say - WE agreed to kick him out IF.....and IF has happened....and here you are rescuing him again - so HERE.....(hand paper) GET THESE things done - and don't #($)#( about it either - because YOU brought him back.

    I shudder at the thought of my own rafters and joists should someone ever say "Dude, but he's homeless." I'm pretty sure my roof would land on the wicked witch of the North ---- me. lol

  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Um, no, Star, that would be on Two Brooms...

    But I got your point.

    'Stang, I wish I had the answer. Why is it so hard to get your little mind around the fact that YOU CAN NOT CONTROL ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.... My experience with success in getting someone to understand that is getting them to live it first hand.

    Mexico sounds great.
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Thanks for all of your input and support. It is such a relief and help to have this soft place to land where I can come and vent to my little black heart's content!

    First of all, I'm sure Janna is chomping at the bit. I was im'ing her last night and informed her that husband has A PLAN. (du du du dummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) I said that I would let her know what THE PLAN was but as of yet, I haven't heard it. When husband got home from class last night and started telling me about the chat with difficult child, I stopped him about 12.7 seconds in. When he got to the part about difficult child saying that he was acting the way he has been acting because he's mad at life because he's never had a girlfriend, I durn near came unglued. No girlfriend? SERIOUSLY???? And to top it off...husband BOUGHT IT! :slap:

    Well then....let me think....difficult child has "explained" his behavior in the past with:

    We don't spend enough time with him
    We spend TOO much time with him
    We nag
    We don't nag
    He has no friends
    He gets picked on in school
    We don't give him enough freedom and he's rebelling
    He's a teenager and that's how teenagers are supposed to act

    I'm positive there are more but those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head. It is absolutely amazing how well one can scream and go off while whispering. All it takes is practice! Let me tell you....I. WENT. OFF. I was good though and restrained myself from smacking husband in the forehead and asking if he was out of his bleeping mind. But I did remind him that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. he has had these talks with difficult child about what he (difficult child) needs to be doing, difficult child tells him the SAME THING. (Explanations aside) I also reminded him that he (husband) was a very active participant when we came up with and wrote the house rules/contract AND the consequences of not following said rules that we presented to difficult child when he turned 18. husband was further reminded of the fact that if we continue to not follow through with the consequences, we are NOT helping difficult child in the least. He will not take any responsibility for himself if he's not forced to. Why should he? All he has to do is put up with a "talk" here and there and then go wrap up in a comforter that hasn't seen the inside of a washing machine since sometime last summer. (And just for the record, I quit doing difficult child's laundry years ago. If he wants clean clothes, it's up to him.)

    I feel bad for husband in a way. He was choking up by the end of OUR "talk" and I know he's hurting but for the love of Pete....he and I have had varying versions of this discussion quite a few times over the last year or two. (hence the title of this thread)

    On a positive note though, husband did suggest last night that he and I go to counseling and I immediately agreed. Granted, I'm sure I'll hear things about me that I won't be happy with (my temper for one) but I'm more than willing to deal with that if it helps us meet somewhere in the middle. Right now I see our positions in this situation as one of us on seperate ends of the scale. I just hope that we get a good one who can make husband see that we have done all we can. difficult child HAS to do his part in his own life. And yes, maybe a teensy part of me wants to hear that I'm right *ahem* but if husband can't/won't listen to me, maybe he'll listen to someone else that is outside of the equation.

    Honestly, I'm starting to get scared that this is going to seriously affect our marriage. We're fine now but if we don't get on the same page soon....I don't know what will happen. I'm close to finding my own place to stay but ONLY till difficult child is out of the house. But if it came to that, I'm afraid that it would do serious harm to husband's and I relationship. OR if we do kick difficult child out and something happens to him....aside from my own guilt as a mother, will husband blame me and resent me?

    Guess the counseling idea is a good one, huh? LOL *sigh* I'm going to keep my fingers crossed but even if we don't accomplish what I'd like, I think it will do us both some good to air our feelings with an objective observer.
  13. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Well - no plan. I'd be surprised, but, not really LOL!

    I hope your marriage isn't in trouble. Seriously, I'm sorry. I hope the counseling helps, and yeah, I'm sure you'll be right :) I'll be here for you. You know this.

    I would hope before you'd leave and keep difficult child with husband you'd give husband the choice. Maybe if he was faced with difficult child or me (not really fair, no, but geez, marriage or out of control difficult child?) - his choices would be different. Maybe he really needs to know the thought is flowing - even if not serious yet.

    And - just so you know, I'm sending SO to Dairy Queen tonight, because - I CANNOT GET THAT KIT KAT BLIZZARD OUT OF MY HEAD AND I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green