Exactly where he belongs...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lovemysons, Jul 16, 2011.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    in Jail! Yep, young difficult child is in Jail. Found out while husband easy child her friend and I were all in Las Vegas this past week.

    He has been charged with Reckless Child Endangerment. It is a Felony of course. Don't know if this will be counted as his 3rd Felony or not. The first 2 were for spitting at 2 police officers 3 yrs ago I believe.

    While we were gone young difficult child and daughter in law spent the night at our house. easy child's money from her bedroom was stolen. Young difficult child bought himself some alcohol and broke into his mother in law's house on Wednesday this past week. Then daughter in law drove up to her mother's home with the grandbabies. Young difficult child jumped on the hood of her car and put his hand through the windshield. A "shard" of glass hit my granddaughter in the forehead. Apparently it caused a fair amount of bleeding though she was not seriously injured or required to go to the hospital, Thank G-d!

    Young difficult child called my cell phone last night...my cell allowed one 60 sec "courtesy collect call" to be received. He only said he loved me and asked that I come see him and put money on his books "for food".

    I do NOT plan on visiting him. I am both angry and sad.

    daughter in law blames herself for not allowing young difficult child to face consequences at other times. But I told her this is no one's fault but young difficult child. He has had multiple chances to get help from a Rehab and has refused.

    I think husband will go and visit young difficult child sometime this weekend. I have been there done that with oldest difficult child and am not going to those "places" again. The last time I spent a year visiting one of my son's in Jail/prison I ended up have a psychotic breakdown after many many panic attacks...I will not allow my mental emotional health to deteriorate again.

    I had forgotten though that when one of your children is in Jail that a part of you is there with them.
    Like I said I am both angry and sad.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hugs LMS..... it is weird isn't it. When my son spent two weeks in jail it was in some ways the worst two weeks of my life but i too knew it was where he had to be. I hated having him in jail and yet a part of me was glad. I was so torn at the hearing where they revoked his bail..... I was praying the judge would revoke his bail and put him in jail but at the same time my heart totally broke when he was taken away in handcuffs.So yes he is in the right place, nothing like jail to wake you up to your own problems and it is a natural consequence like no other.I also agree you need to do whatever you need to do to take care of your emotional and physical health!!! And if you haven't been to alanon I highly recommend it.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring and understanding hugs. The conflicts that go thru the mind when your child is in jail are mind boggling but you have done everything, tried everything, supported every avenue. When easy child/difficult child got out of jail three years ago ??? I told him his first night at home "if you ever go to jail again don't call". A few weeks ago he repeated that to me. "I hope I never make another mistake but if I do I will not call home or ask for commisary money...I'll own it." It's time for young difficult child to experience life alone. You know I am truly sorry. DDD
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I visited my bro in prison a few times. My sister's husband a few times. That was that. I've never visited nephews and will not either. I don't have a hard time imagining what a toll that can take on a mom.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS I am so sorry but both of us figured it would come to this at some point. I am very upset that the kids had to be there for it though. That will be tough on them.

    I remember vividly the time I had to revoke Cory's bond because he was just out of control and treating me badly. I wasnt afraid he was going to run but he was just being a pain towards me and I couldnt take it anymore. I called the bond agency and revoked it but I couldnt be at the house the day they came. I hid out around the corner when they went to get him until they were gone. It just broke my heart. I think I was on the phone with Jamie the whole time in tears. Its not something you ever want to see happen.

    You just have to be strong because without it they never learn. I hope this will be young difficult child's bottom but who knows. We just have to pray.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, sweetie, I know this is hard. You are VERY right to not go see him. My mother had a MAJOR nervous breakdown about 2 yrs after my bro was in jail. A substantial part of it was the trauma of having to deal with all the jail stuff. Bro had it EASY in jail because the guy in charge just one step down from the county warden - the guy who actually did the main supervision - was a family friend. He let them see bro briefly one night even though it wasn't visiting night and he let them give him toiletries and basics even though it wasn't one of the 2 days that they were allowed to be given those things. My dad went to the bail office one night, to the court one night and was there when the cops called both nights. My mom had to handle everything else alone because my dad would not take one single day off of work - and he had over a full YEAR of sick days built up. It was just way too much for one person to handle.

    You have done enough for him. I don't know if you want to do commisary money or not, but otherwise both you and husband should mostly stay away. Let him handle his business and hopefully grow from it.

    I am proud that you can see what you need to do for your health. I hope that this spurs daughter in law to make some changes to push them both to a healthier life. Lots of hugs.
  7. Mrs.McNear51

    Mrs.McNear51 Member

    Sending hugs and lots of prayers. This may be just what it takes to get him the help he needs. I can only imagine how you feel. Be strong, and let it play out. It was bound to come to this.

  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Your last statement just pierced my heart.....

    I think your bravery is amazing - and I am glad you are not willing to compromise it.

    I also doubt I could visit Matt in jail, I think that would be it for me as well.

    So many hugs and prayers are going out your way.
  9. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Just sending warm thoughts, hugs, and understanding
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you ALL for the hugs care and prayers.

    It is pretty ironic that this is where young difficult child ends up...4 yrs ago when oldest difficult child was in prison, young difficult child referred to his big brother as a loser, dumb a, etc. Young difficult child married as soon as he found out his wife was pregnant and then joined the Army shortly after. I know at that time he was trying to do the "right thing". He did not want to be anything like his brother...and yet here he is.

    He and oldest difficult child are NOTHING alike. Oldest is outgoing, a salesman of sorts, charming, etc. Young difficult child is an introvert, a thinker...not a doer. But both are addicts. And so it goes...
    I remember when young difficult child was little, I was reading in the newspaper that middle children are found in prison in the highest number. I remember being more concerned about young difficult child and his future. I spent more time on young difficult child as a child...Played with him more, nurtured more, took him to his own baseball or soccer games (for which husband and oldest were not involved) and just, well, concentrated more on young difficult child.

    husband identifies more with oldest difficult child. I know this has always been a sore spot for young difficult child. But I could not force the bond...so I'd tried to be for young difficult child what husband could not.
    husband did try and employ young difficult child a couple of yrs ago just like oldest...but young difficult child is NOT a strong worker, he was lazy on the job, brought alcohol to job site once and also pick fights with coworkers. husband could not keep him. Young difficult child really hasn't worked since. He has been "hospital hopping" for a few yrs now. The latest involving fractured back and herniated discs in his back...all the while seeking pain medications.

    Toughlovin...I have been to Al Anon in the past I know I need to go again. This will be very very hard on me. I am already having trouble sleeping and just feel stressed.

    DDD...I'm pretty sure I have told young difficult child in the past that I could not go through it again. You are right...he will be very alone with his thoughts. I hope he will learn from this.

    Lisa...Jail/prison visits are the worst on a mom. You reflect back on their little years over and over. You see pics of them around the house that remind you of "once upon a time" and wonder what you could have done differently...if only this if only that. It is just painful.

    Janet...I think I will text you a picture of the windshield daughter in law sent to me. You can clearly see the magnitude of young difficult child's aggression. I asked daughter in law how the grandbabies reacted to this...She said they didn't even cry or seemed to be shocked.

    Susie...I cannot go through that kind of panic again. I just have to believe that young difficult child is a survivor and that he can learn from this. Oldest difficult child has done it...surely young difficult child can too. We shall see.

    Julie...Yep, he did have this coming. I hope he will be able to get the help he needs in jail too. medications, AA...and getting clean from all the pain medications he's been hooked on recently. He will likely see a Dr of sorts since he has the pacemaker and back injury. Love you.

    Steely...I will try and remain strong. Young difficult child did this to himself and it is all out of my hands. The only thing I can do is accept and move on. I am glad that I was dxd with Bipolar and am on really good medications that help keep me emotionally stable now. But I still can't/won't go visit young difficult child...he will have to accept that this is part of his consequence too.

    Mattsmom...Thank you for caring. I need that right now. husband is not always real tender with me...He is a doer and no amount of crisis/trauma from our sons stops him from moving, working, going about his business. He is just not affected the same way I am.

    Hugs and Love back to you all.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS.....I got the picture, sigh, looks like a mess. Im so sorry for the wife and kids. I cannot imagine my partner and father of my children doing that to me/them. I do believe that would be a deal breaker for me.

    I know how difficult this is going to be on you. I really do. I feel for your son too. I dont want any of our kids to go through this. It really tugs at me. I am sure you think I have been a bit hard on him but my heart does ache for him.

    I find your description of your husband and his relationship with young difficult child to be interesting. Much the same thing happened with Cory and his dad except Tony really tried hard to work with Cory when he was younger. He was there as much as he could be but Jamie was the definite favorite because he was just easier and did what was expected of him. He always has. Cory has lived in his shadow. Tony also tried to work Cory for years after he became an adult and Cory ruined it time and again. He acted the fool on many jobs. Cussed his dad out and basically acted like he didnt have to listen to him at all. It wasnt pretty. Finally, just finally, Tony has given him one last shot and Cory seems like he has learned his lesson but he better not blow it again. Tony wants so much for Cory to do well. He wants to be proud of him but its really on Cory's shoulders and not ours now. I think in our case, Cory understands that now.

    Hopefully one day your son will get to the point that he understands these things. It has to come after a long period when you step back and he learns that you wont put up with his shenanigans. It is so hard. I always identified more with Cory too. Probably much to his detriment. I still love him dearly and want to do things for him but now he is starting to pull away and doesnt want much from me even when I want to do things for him which feels really odd to me.
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Yes Janet, as you can see...It was a very VERY violent act.

    I spoke with daughter in law briefly about what the future holds for her and grandbabies. She said she wanted to go back to school she did not say what she will do about the marriage.

    I hope young difficult child will come to terms about the relationship he has with husband. Young difficult child has mostly been surrounded by the women in his life: Me, my mom, wife. I think it is because young difficult child is a much more emotional creature. He craves love. He always always tells me he loves me over and over again and is very affectionate.

    I do find it surprising that husband is the one who wants to go see young difficult child...but mostly I think husband wants to rub it in young difficult child's face that he was right. That young difficult child would not listen to us, etc.
    Honestly I can't stand being in the same room with husband and young difficult child as it is often too painful for me to listen to...husband does not think about the words he uses towards young difficult child. Then again maybe I am too emotionally coddling. Maybe I am the one in the wrong and should be tougher on young difficult child.

    I am glad to hear Cory is doing so well right now and that he and Tony's relationship is stable. Fathers and son's issues can be so hard on mom huh?
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope you know you are in my thoughts and prayers each day. We had an eventful week and I over-did it so I can't talk today, but will try tomorrow.

    Is there any chance that daughter in law will go to the domestic violence center and actually stick with the therapy? I sure hope she gets those babies into some kind of therapy and evaluations. It is very bad for them to see this and not react - that is really scary in ones so tiny.

    Sometimes I think our unemotional men are able to keep that facade up and keep going because we are so much more emotional. They hear us express things and then feel that we understand hwo they feel and then they can go longer with-o saying the words. It took years to figure it out, but I know it is a big part of what my husband does. Esp if I am really upset and he is holding me - it gives him an outlet too. even when he doesn't know it himself.

    One thing that our kids need to know is that WE think they can do it. whatever it is that they need to do to straighten up and fly right. It shocked me to learn that when I think I am helping or helping to make things better or easier for my kids, the message that they actually receive is that I don't think they can do it. Maybe by letting difficult child 2 handle this on his own you can send the message that he CAN climb up out of this pit, that he CAN get himself under control and that he CAN cope. He is going to keep trying the "don't you love me anymore" **** and you have to harden yourself to that.

    I know there is a list of responses in one of the detachment threads that is handy to keep posted by the phone. Going back to read some of those threads and find those responses might help during this chapter of your life.

  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers...

    I don't think daughter in law will go to a domestic violence shelter for any kind of help. I think she figures young difficult child is the only one with a problem here...She has often had trouble seeing "her part". Though she did tell a few days ago that she wishes she had let young difficult child hit bottom sooner other times that he could have been consequenced and she came to his rescue instead.

    I agree that my grandbabies may need some kind of help at some point. I think they have been exposed to alot of young difficult child's anxiety issues and general aggravation. Surely it has had some kind of effect on them. Things may come out when they start school and really start interacting with others...I don't know.

    I absolutely agree with letting young difficult child handle this on his own so as to say, in effect, You are strong and capable enough to climb out of this hole you have dug for yourself. It is so hard to let them fully own their consequences...but I know it's the only way he'll really learn. This has GOT to hurt...hurt enough that he won't forget!!!

    I didn't hear from yesterday...meaning no call from jail. Makes me wonder if he has already gotten himself into some trouble in jail and has perhaps lost that priviledge. Though I don't think my phone will accept a collect call without me setting it up to do so. I will check into this at some point.

    Don't worry about calling me right now. I really am handling things okay at the moment.
    I DID read through some responses in the Archives though and appreciate you directing me to them.

    Trying to stay strong and remember "how they learn".
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS...yeah...the father/son relationship is so confusing. I liken it to the male roosters on the yard. If you have a bunch of roosters on a yard they are going to be okay if its a large piece of land and plenty of hens and the other roosters are very young but as the young roosters grow up and try to challenge the older rooster, there are going to be fights as someone wants to be the main rooster of the yard.

    In a home, the husband has to be that main rooster and the younger sons have to leave the home to become their own main roosters...lol. However it takes a whole lot of rooster fighting while they do the whole crowing and growing thing.
  16. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Tammy, I am thinking of you every day, and I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.

    You sound as if you are coping with the situation vis-a-vis yourself. I hope you manage to stay so strong.

    Sending you a hug.

    Love, Esther
  17. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    (((HUGS))) my husband doesn't think about the words he uses either.....makes me cringe..... :(

    I am so sorry you are going through this right now but I agree with everyone else - he needs to feel the full consequences of the dumb koi he just pulled. WHY must our kids learn everything the hardest way possible??
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you Esther and PatriotsGirl for the Hugs...Yall are sweet.

    PG, It is complicated isn't it? They DO insist on learning the hard way...especially hard on mom's.
    Both of my difficult child's have been given a good life with plenty of opportunities to succeed along the way. Both chose the road of Sub Abuse in their early teen years and all that goes along with that: using people places and things, manipulating, stealing, lying, etc.
    And yet a mother's love never gives up.

    My oldest is doing well now...clean for over 6 months, and still working very very hard for husband, and he adores his lil girl. I do not have a close relationship with his girlfriend so I don't see them much and they have become somewhat judegemental and "wholier than thou" these days. I smoke, go to the casino and easy child is gay...they look down on these things and don't want their daughter, my granddaughter, exposed to these things. Oh well...at least oldest is sober at the moment and functioning well even if I can't be close with him and his.

    Young difficult child has victim mentality...it is often someone elses fault or something elses fault: the police wrongly handled him, his back injury, pacemaker prevent him from having a job, etc.
    Until he gets over feeling sorry for himself and begins to recognise all of his decisions in the past 3 or so years, and wants to get sober, he will be stuck with "stinkin thinkin".

    For young difficult child we tried Drug Rehab, AA, Alternative School, Jail School, Homeschool, Hospitalisations, medication, "Wilderness Program", Weekend Boot Camp, etc.
    He has been exposed to the "help"...but he has to admit that he has a problem and truly want the help.
    I had hoped his children would be enough to wake him up...but even they were not enough motivation for him to change.

    Thank you all for the support, hugs, care and prayer.
    I am hopeful that my Young difficult child still has a chance to recover and overcome.