Executorship Advice

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SantaCruzSS, Apr 7, 2017.

  1. SantaCruzSS

    SantaCruzSS New Member

    I'm new to this group...today.

    I have a 30-year-old homeless son who is bipolar and alcoholic. He does not know where I work or live as he is violent, but I do talk to him on the phone. I'm worried he is slipping into schizophrenia and he is unable to help himself. I'm feeling like executorship is the only way I can get him off the street.

    I live in California. Does anyone have advice on this process and if it help?

    Thank you for your help. This is so incredibly painful.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I thought into conservatorship which I think might be similar. I decided against it for several reasons.

    First, I let go to the end your fears that he may be developing schizophrenia. My son who is 28, with bipolar diagnosis, had birth parents who were mentally ill. I have worried about that too.

    My son can be aggressive and damage property, but not violent. He has learned to moderate some his behavior.

    That said, when he was worse, I was afraid of the liability issue. That I would be held responsible for his behaviors. True or not, I feared this.

    Also I thought that it was going in the wrong direction to take away responsibilities. I believe that the only real teacher in life is direct experience. Suffering. However I did not want my son to suffer, I wanted him to learn. He is.

    It is very hard for me. Because he has been with me or close to me for the past 13 months. Just tonight my SO told me this: if it is not you who teaches him, who will? What will happen when we are dead?

    I am on the extreme end of the continuum on this site. I believe some people here believe I am too involved and take too much responsibility. But I would not take on executorship or conservatorship.

    I worked in prisons and in community mental health. Society has built in stops/protections for the mentally ill who pose a danger to themselves or others. There are group homes and there are residential treatment centers aplenty. If your son is not motivated to change sufficiently to self-admit or to stay after he is involuntarily committed, do you think your taking control and responsibility, will do it? I am not so sure. I think he could well go on the lam.

    There is at least one mother here whose son is paranoid schizophrenic. She lived with his murderous threats for more than a decade. Until she had to sign a restraining order, and he lives in his car. Her name is Feeling Sad.

    Is your son on SSI? Does he have a payee? Could a payee by exerting some indirect control over his money, influence his behavior even a little?

    Other people will post and have different things to say. Some with direct experience with this issue, I hope. I suggest you do a search, which is in the upper right hand. I feel certain you will find information that way.

    If you do live there I lived in Santa Cruz 30 years ago and did my graduate work at the University. That said, I would take out the city name if indeed you do live there. Better guard your anonymity.

    Take care.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have guardianship over my autistic son with his consent. However he makes almost all of his own decisions and has not been in trouble nor mentally ill. I am going to give up guardianship in a few years. He is doing so well.

    I am his payee but again he actually likes having someone else pay his bills. It is challenging to him and he gets frustrated fast. We are planning to travel winters soon so we will give this obligation to his adoring sister or a rep payee. He could not do his rent, wifi, electric, cell phone, without a lot of stress that he doesnt want or need.

    I dont know if guardianship over an unwilling adult child would be helpful. Every step we have taken with my son, now 23, has been with his consent. And we are generous at giving him his money...after all, he works and gets a little social security.it is HIS money. We mostly make sure his bills are paid and give him plenty food and entertainment money.

    I cant imagine doing this if the adult child is against it. I wouldnt. I cant see how it could work without consent. We went to court together and Son agreed to it. But, really, we dont manage his life. He does. And he doesnt break the law or get into trouble. He just needed more time to grow up.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2017
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that you are suffering.

    It is terribly painful. Posting helps. It has helped me. Not only do I feel not so alone, but it helps me get outside of me what I feel, and to solve problems based upon what I have put out there and move forward.

    Take care.