Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Exhausted
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 634873" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Bennie. I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. You are not alone. We understand.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may want to read the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. You may also want to get yourself into a 12 step group soon, Al Anon, CoDa, Families anonymous, or private therapy, or a parent group, or if you believe your son is mentally ill, NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness.......you can contact them on line, they have excellent courses for parents.</p><p></p><p>This is a very painful and devastating process Bennie, none of us are prepared for it nor do we know how to do it. We just put one foot in front of the other and gingerly step forward onto unknown territory. This is not a normal parent/child exchange, this is filled with angst and sorrow, resentment, worry, fear, anger and guilt. In order for any of us to survive it, we need a lot of support, we need guidance, we need a commitment to change because usually what we've been doing is NOT working. And we become exhausted and sick and tired. That's when we change.</p><p></p><p>And, it is US who do the changing. Our kids generally stay exactly where they are UNTIL WE CHANGE. If they change at all. So, it becomes about us and our willingness to change. Our willingness to respond entirely differently to the demands and manipulations our kids impose on us. Your son is a master manipulator as are many if not most of our kids here. He is not going to change anytime soon, it is to his advantage to continue because he can get YOU to do what he should be doing. So, YOU will have to stop. You will need to say NO and mean it. You will need to set boundaries, respond differently altogether by putting up stringent borders around you and your resources and your time. Only you can do that. And, like most of us, you will need help to do it and help to continue doing it. It is hard. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. But, you CAN do it. </p><p></p><p>Start by getting some form of support. Begin putting the focus on yourself and taking it off of your son. Begin saying NO. Begin not responding to his every call. Call the police every single time no matter what until your son is trained that you mean business. Stop giving him ANY money at all. Stop allowing his calls, his visits. Take a long break from his antics. Eventually he will get it, but likely not before he puts up the biggest set of manipulations and yucky comments and accusations and threats and anything he can do to get you to do what you were doing before. That is where the support will come in handy because he knows every single soft spot you have, and believe me, he will go in for the kill every single time. He has already begun, so expect it to get worse as you recede and detach.</p><p></p><p>It is all up to you in how you want this to be. You have ALL the power, you just forgot you did. As we all do. We are all so concerned about their welfare and being a good parent, we have forgotten how to take care of ourselves. Well, now is the time to remember. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're here. We've all been in your shoes. We understand how incredibly hard this is. Get yourself some real support. Be very very kind to yourself. Do something kind for yourself every single day. Begin to love yourself, accept yourself and honor yourself. If you do all of that, you will begin to feel better and start to get your own life back. You will begin thriving instead of surviving. </p><p></p><p>Stay close to the board, keep posting, it helps a lot.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 634873, member: 13542"] Welcome Bennie. I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. You are not alone. We understand. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may want to read the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. You may also want to get yourself into a 12 step group soon, Al Anon, CoDa, Families anonymous, or private therapy, or a parent group, or if you believe your son is mentally ill, NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness.......you can contact them on line, they have excellent courses for parents. This is a very painful and devastating process Bennie, none of us are prepared for it nor do we know how to do it. We just put one foot in front of the other and gingerly step forward onto unknown territory. This is not a normal parent/child exchange, this is filled with angst and sorrow, resentment, worry, fear, anger and guilt. In order for any of us to survive it, we need a lot of support, we need guidance, we need a commitment to change because usually what we've been doing is NOT working. And we become exhausted and sick and tired. That's when we change. And, it is US who do the changing. Our kids generally stay exactly where they are UNTIL WE CHANGE. If they change at all. So, it becomes about us and our willingness to change. Our willingness to respond entirely differently to the demands and manipulations our kids impose on us. Your son is a master manipulator as are many if not most of our kids here. He is not going to change anytime soon, it is to his advantage to continue because he can get YOU to do what he should be doing. So, YOU will have to stop. You will need to say NO and mean it. You will need to set boundaries, respond differently altogether by putting up stringent borders around you and your resources and your time. Only you can do that. And, like most of us, you will need help to do it and help to continue doing it. It is hard. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. But, you CAN do it. Start by getting some form of support. Begin putting the focus on yourself and taking it off of your son. Begin saying NO. Begin not responding to his every call. Call the police every single time no matter what until your son is trained that you mean business. Stop giving him ANY money at all. Stop allowing his calls, his visits. Take a long break from his antics. Eventually he will get it, but likely not before he puts up the biggest set of manipulations and yucky comments and accusations and threats and anything he can do to get you to do what you were doing before. That is where the support will come in handy because he knows every single soft spot you have, and believe me, he will go in for the kill every single time. He has already begun, so expect it to get worse as you recede and detach. It is all up to you in how you want this to be. You have ALL the power, you just forgot you did. As we all do. We are all so concerned about their welfare and being a good parent, we have forgotten how to take care of ourselves. Well, now is the time to remember. I'm glad you're here. We've all been in your shoes. We understand how incredibly hard this is. Get yourself some real support. Be very very kind to yourself. Do something kind for yourself every single day. Begin to love yourself, accept yourself and honor yourself. If you do all of that, you will begin to feel better and start to get your own life back. You will begin thriving instead of surviving. Stay close to the board, keep posting, it helps a lot. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Exhausted
Top