Explaining my son to my new husband!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by I'm going crazy!!!, Nov 3, 2007.

  1. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    I just recently got married to a wonderful husband but he just does not understand Chris and I can't explain Chris to him. I feel like I would just make him mad. I am currently trying to find a suitable couseling program for all of us (that we can afford lol). Please I need some advice!! :sad:
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Why doesn't your new husband already know your son? Wasn't he a part of his life before you got married?
  3. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    yes but we only dated for about 6 months before we got married and I have always dealt with Chris but now my husband has difficult child after school
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Have him read The Explosive Child. If your husband won't read it, read it to him or give him detailed excerpts. It really can help him understand your son a bit better.
  5. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    thanks i will do that
  6. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    My husband STILL (after 2 yrs of marriage and 5 yrs of togetherness) doesn't go with what I say. It's our biggest issue with this relationship... we are CONSTANTLY fighting about discipline and what's "wrong" with my difficult child.

    I tell him to [bad word] himself, I'll do it myself.
    Although, last time, I threw my spatula on the stove (I was cooking bacon) and told him, fudge it all! YOU go to the doctor's! YOU talk to the teachers! YOU do EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! I walked out of the house and left.

    I'll tell you...he apologized like crazy when I finally came home (about 11:00pm) and sat down and talked to me until 2:00 in the morning.

    It's hard, Honey, I know...and fighting is the worst thing you can do when your poor child is stuck right in the middle of it all.

    My husband FINALLY woke up when my difficult child got suspended and he actually went to his MOM'S house to ask for HELP! What a breakthrough for him! You see, he's the type that's very anti therapy, anti medications, anti mental issues...you know. My difficult child is "COMPLETELY in control of EVERYTHING he's doing"... blah blah blah....

    I'm not saying to yell at your hubby. You DO, however, need to explain to him that, if things are going to work, you both need to be on the same team. If one parent is acting one way and the other, another... Well...it will cause complete chaos. Your child will see one parent one way, the other parent another way and use that to their advantage, ultimately pushing both of you apart (thank you, mom-in-law, for warning me ahead of time of what she had to deal with when my husband and his bro were younger and her and her husband were butting heads).

    It sounds like your husband is willing to go to counseling (lucky!)....try your town hall... I remember that my old town had free family counseling. Try the department of social services, your doctor, a church (even if you aren't religious!), community mental health centers... There's always someone out there willing to help, trust me.

    This, too, shall pass, Love. Hang in there. :pet:
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Good suggestions already. Another suggestion - get your husband to lurk here, or even register in his own right. There are other DHs here (including mine) and even though we thought we had brilliant communication before, it's even better now.

    I wrote a summary of "The Explosive Child" for husband because he tried, he really did, but he just couldn't follow the book. And I found that by explaining it to him, I got it better in my head too.

  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Break the information down to simple terms and relate it to husband's disability.
    He wouldn't like to be treated incorrectly based on his disability and neither should difficult child. Realistically, it is difficult to grasp the very being of a difficult child for those of us who have known them since birth.
    It's unfortunate that husband didn't really realize what he was getting into beforehand. I think you should do some reading on blended families. Ask him to not fix things for you but be a support. It will be a long time before your difficult child views husband as a father figure.
    in my humble opinion.
  9. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    thank you all for your wonderful advice i can use all of it in some form or another
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Uuummmm..........been there, done that..........and all I can say is......... we are here for you. It is a long road. A very long, and difficult road, trying to do what you are doing, and what I tried to do.

    If you see the writing on the wall that your husband does not get your son, and won't get him - and your son's behavior is getting worse - run for the hills. Do not stay and try to make the relationship work to everyone's misery, mostly your sons. My son is still full of trauma, hurt, and hate at his ex-step dad and he has been gone 4 years. It is such a painful thing, if a man, a role model, rejects our already psychologically fragile boys, by "not getting them". It can mess them up for life.
  11. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    "Invisible disabilities" are hard to explain to a novice -- the child comes across as "willful." It's much easier for someone to accept what's required in dealing with-a child in a wheelchair than one that appears to be perfectly healthy. And because our kids have days that they perform better than others, you get the "see, s/he can do it if s/he wants to."

    husband's willingness to learn will be key. husband self-educating with info from sites such as https://web.archive.org/web/2006123...ng.org/pdfs/2200_7-barktran.pdf?date=11-14-00 would be a good start. I found books written by Barkely and Hallowell helpful also.
  12. Sharon1974

    Sharon1974 New Member

    Why do you think you will make your husband mad? This is concerning to me. You have a lot of stress dealing with your difficult child, your husband should be there to support you. Maybe I am reading more into this because I have been through an abusive relationship, but you should NOT have to walk on eggshells around the new husband when discussing your difficult child. If you get your new husband to go to counceling with you, I would definitly discuss this fear.
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Yeah, I'm kinda on the same page as Sharon.

    I'm trying to word this carefully, as I want to be supportive, and I don't want to sound nasty, but the day I had to worry about upsetting a man because of my child is the day that man would take a long walk off a short pier.

    Now, I do not know your circumstances other than what you have shared. Perhaps you could go into a little more detail? Has he even MET your son? What does your son think of this new guy watching him after school every day? Was he given an opportunity to adjust?

    What is done is done, and moving forward is the important thing. This is a soft place to land, and we would all like to help and see that child be the best he can be.
  14. mattsmum

    mattsmum New Member

    I have been trying to explain difficult child's issues for YEARS to my husband. He finally GOT IT last week when we went to a male counselor. This counselor also has a difficult child son...and was able to tell his story from a father's point of view. husband totally related and even told the counselor that I had been trying to tell him the same things for years but he didn't get it. He apologized to me in front of the counselor...and has been doing 500% better dealing with difficult child.

    My advice...see if you can find a male counselor to talk to your husband.
  15. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    A lot of employers have employee assistance programs (EAP's) that pay for a limited number of counseling sessions (ours pays for three). They are completely confidential, so your employer doesn't have to know you're seeking help, if you would prefer that they not know.

    As far as your husband "getting" your son, it took a long time for my husband to realize our son didn't just need a kick in the rear to straighten up. I just kept sharing with him everything I had learned and pointed out to him how difficult child fit what I had read, and he came around eventually.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I decided to read all the posts before putting in my two cents. I'm also concerned that your husband doesn't "get" your son. As one with a disability himself, I would think he'd have compassion. If he emotionally abuses your son in any way due to his disability (and, yes, that can include bad behavior) then I would leave sooner rather than later. You know husband better than us. Is he rigid or flexible--willing to learn and grow? I see he's a lot older than you. THat doesn't need to be a problem, but sometimes the older you get, the more rigid you are (not everyone, of course). in my opinion the child has to come first. Did he get to know your son well before he married you? Six months isn't a very long engagement.
    Like the others, I want to be supportative and try to help so I also echo marriage counseling or family counseling, which includes your child. If he refuses it, well, that says TONS about him...(((hugs)))
  17. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    I understand your concern I have also been involved in abusive relationships this is not one of them I love my husband very much and a lot of my fears and reactions come from my past experience Phillip would never hurt me or Chris I'm not scared of making hime mad because I'm scared of him but because that's just who I am the peacemaker. Phillip is trying very hard to be understanding he was raised similar to me and I'm sure a lot of us in a Type A situation and it's very hard for him to adjust just like it was very hard for me to adjust but I've been dealing with this since Chris was 18 months old and I had plenty of time to adjust. This weekend was the absolute worse with Chris screaming and hitting and kicking. right now the biggest deal is the computer or rather getting him off the computer I usually put him in his room until he's done screaming and then ask him if he's ok and tell him I love him I was actually VERY proud of Phillip last night I was at my aunt's visiting and he had to be the bad guy and get Chris off the computer and take his medications I got home and asked how it went he said he put him in his room and told him no screaming and no tearing up anything or he would be punished and if he listened then tomorrow after he did his homework he could play on the computer I guess it worked the only thing Chris said was that Phillip wouldn't let him play noggin and I said that was because it was time to get off the computer and let everyone else have a turn at it he didn't argue but just went back to his room anyway thanks for ya'lls concern I know it is meant well but this is a new marriage and I know through the grace of God it can work out as long as we don't give up and we seek the help we so desperately need.
  18. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Also, my question would be, who watched difficult child afternoons before your new husband came into the picture? Maybe that person could continue to watch him, which your new husband adjusts to the new life he has been presented with?

  19. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    difficult child was in after school before and it is really just too expensive I use to get help from Social Services but I can't now that I'm married because we have too much money coming in.
  20. prayerful

    prayerful New Member

    I understand how you feel i had a hard time explaining my to my husband, but within time he began to understand for him it was hard because he thought that i should spank my son for his behavior i and i was always explaining that that wasn't the answer he thought i was okaying his outburst !.

    I started allowing him to be involved with my son's doctor visits and the things i could not explain to him without him thinking i was taking up for my son i allowed the doctors to explain and now he knows his outburst and why he is the way he is and he handle my son very well .

    We even both have a behavior modification plan that i allowed him to help me put into affect . At frist i didn't tell him what was going on and i tried to handle it on my own , but now that he is involved it is making it easier and he is a judgemental now and he see that all my hard work is not in vane .

    I also prayed that god will give us both understanding and it helped also. :angel: