*!Expletive!* difficult child has been in touch with my estranged older brother-Heaven Help Me!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Signorina, Sep 19, 2011.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Didn't think to mention it when I introduced myself, but I have a brother - 8 years older than I (52 now)- who still is a difficult child in my own nuclear family.

    He's volatile, my parents kicked him out at age 18, he has a train wreck of a marriage and in my opinion he is a lousy father to his own son who is the same age as my difficult child. Despite all that, he is a high paid, successful working adult whom seems to be a great person from a distance - but anyone who gets to know him more than casually realizes that he is a total PITA--difficult, temperamental, says one thing while does another, goes off on tangents, etc. He runs VERY hot and cold - every family occasion/holiday is a "will he or won't he" show up kinda thing. And if he does show up - we all act happy to see him. Know what I mean?? He can be generous and loving without a fault (tends to be generous) and then cold and unyielding the very next moment.

    Our boys are the same age and apparently difficult child has been in touch with my brother's son (I know from his cell phone records, lots of texts back and forth a few days ago)

    And now, on today's cell phone usage report - MY BROTHER HAS CALLED MY difficult child. Let me be clear. My brother calls no one. Not my elderly mother, not my other brother, he rarely returns even important business phone calls. Trying to get in touch with him is a futile and incredibly aggravating experience. Which is compounded by the fact that we all work in the same family business.

    A normal brother would call his sibling to get the "real story" on what is happening. My brother won't. And he too is a rebel and is probably loving this. For years, we have kept our distance from this part of my family because my brother is difficult and unpredictable. And now my kid is likely intertwining himself with him...I am sure difficult child has asked for money and I am sure my brother will write him a check. And I don't have the emotional fortitude to call my brother right now. And even if I did, it's unlikely he would take my call.


    please excuse my indelicate language. Insert your choice of words
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I am so sorry. There is nothing like an older family difficult child who would love to throw a monkey wrench into a family situation and then sit back and watch all heck break loose and laugh about it. Lovely...just lovely. NOT.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can only imagine that you are livid and fearful at the same time. Leave it to a difficult child to know which buttons to push. I am sorry but, of course, have no answer. Just sending supportive hugs your way. DDD
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Livid, fearful and a bit of a tiny glimmer of hope...my brother was my hero in shining armor for most of my young life. Let's hope that's the side of him who is advising my difficult child...he is very much a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

    That said, I have always been very open about my frustration with my brother to my sons - as has my mother. It's quite possible that difficult child is using that against us right now...and if so ... my world could implode.

    Family businesses are never a good idea. Even in perfect families. Especially a bad idea in less than perfect families.

    And yes, part of the problem is that I was obsessively checking his phone usage. difficult children biggest gripe is that I micromanage him. He doesn't understand that I would do a much better job living his life for him than he is right now. (LOL attempt at brevity) Chicken and egg. His screw ups came before the momstalking.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Lol, I can relate to the "family business" issue too. Even though it is now just husband and me. Yikes! Wishing you the best outcome from an "iffy" situation. Hugs. DDD
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I can understand your anger.
    Don't you just love when someone swoops in to be the "savior" of difficult child? It's infuriating.
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I take it all back. My brother just called me. And the glimmer of hope was merited - he was my hero once again. He tried to talk some sense into difficult child and told him to "call his mother". He said he got wind of the situation from my sister in law at a family dinner (which I did not attend) last week. That he in turn called his own son and asked him to get some info on what was going on. That he called difficult child - who couldn't talk because he was on his way to class but that difficult child did call him back at 3:00 as promised and they spent 20 minutes on the phone. He said the difficult child was pretty honest about everything that transpired but that he swore he was no longer smoking pot. (Not that we believe that - but it's a nice thought.)I am still trying to wrap my head around my brother being my advocate -- it's been a really long time since he was such -- but a lot of what he told my son was very true to the way we were raised, the "old italian values" of respecting one's parents - especially one's mother.I know my brother has had some counseling and recovery help (GA-his wife) and I know he drew on that heavily while talking to difficult child and then me. I am shocked and overjoyed but absolutely flabbergasted. I believe angels must have been at work

    My brother spent 40 minutes on the phone with me trying to reassure me that I am a good mother and that my son will be ok. And then he told me that he loves me. He hasn't said those words to me for 30+ years...
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    YAY! Glad you're getting a happy resolution to this right now. Family tension is such a nightmare. You would think we already got our fair share with difficult children!
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Just read the update....sounds hopeful! :)
  10. gma

    gma New Member

    Wow, sounds like a little good is coming out of these difficult times.
    Good thoughts coming your way....