"Explosive Child" by Ross Greene

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jess5277, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Jess5277

    Jess5277 New Member

    My difficult child was just suspended for 5 days for fighting. I am so mad at him and am at a complete loss of what to do.
    Apparently a kid told the whole class to shut up so of course my difficult child felt the need to correct the kids so he stood up and told him that he needed to shut up. Which led to both of a pushing match and escalated from there.
    Of course my difficult child takes ZERO responsibility.
    He was caught "sexting" for the 4th time last week, which again of course wasn't his fault. (insert sarcasm here!)
    I am trying to embrace the philosophies in "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene but I fall on my face and can't apply it to our situations.

    Can anyone help me in how to use "plan b" in situations of sexting and fighting (being suspended)?
  2. LoonyAlana

    LoonyAlana Member

    This may or may not be feasible - but what about taking away his phone privileges for a limited amount of time as a punishment to 'sexting'? And in regard to suspension- when my oldest son (when he was younger) was suspended for fighting- we used that day as a 'chore day'. If he wasn't at school when he should be, then he better be cleaning his room, doing dishes, or whatever. If he will not comply, remove everything from his room except the absolute necessities: bed, clothes, desk for homework... it's a real 'tough love' kind of solution, and you'd have to be willing to follow through with it. You don't have to throw away his stuff or anything, just remove his access to it temporarily. Not every kid is the same, so sorry if these are totally off base for you. Best of luck!
  3. Jess5277

    Jess5277 New Member

    Thanks! We've taken away his ipod and phone for about 6 weeks each time he's sexted. I know you wonder why he keeps getting it back but it's my only way to stay in touch with him and I have a gps type tracker on it. Of course he doesn't know that but it gives me some peace of mind to know where he is. He also uses his ipod (touch) for sexting. We've taken that away permanently.
    We've taken away everything but the bed even took the door off. He became violent almost every day for a few months so I sent him to live with his dad. Him and his dad got in a big physical fight and he won't keep him anymore so now he's back with me. He hasn't been violent in awhile at home so that's good but nothing else has really changed.
    The therapist and psychologist tell us that punishments don't work with him, which I guess I agree with but I'm at a complete loss of what to do.
    I'm trying to embrace the Plan B method but I just don't know how to apply it here.
    Thanks for your support!
  4. LoonyAlana

    LoonyAlana Member

    If punishments don't work, the only other thing is rewards for 'good behavior'. Is there anything he likes? Video games or something? One thing we did for my older son- he'd get 45 minutes of computer time a day (good or bay- regardless of behavior) but in order to earn more time, he would have to 'be good' (or at least NOT get into trouble, get good grades- that kind of thing) so we had a daily reward incentive that did NOT include traditional 'punishment'. I'm not sure if something like that would work for you... just trying to relay as many stories of things that worked for me. Although, in all honestly, my older son is easy peasy compared to my 5 year old minion.
  5. Jess5277

    Jess5277 New Member

    That's actually a good idea. I like the idea of giving him some time on the computer and letting him earn more time. Thanks!
  6. LoonyAlana

    LoonyAlana Member

    His occupational therapist actually came up with that idea, and it's worked well for us. Although, be sure to stick to your guns on the timing of it- get an automatic timer or something that YOU keep with you (because even the best behaved boy sometimes cannot resist that siren call of accidentally 'bumping' the timer and making it have more time 'by accident').
  7. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    "Your explanation for a kid's challenging behavior has major implications for how you'll try to help. If you believe a kid is challenging because of lagging skills and unsolved problems, then rewarding and punishing may not be the ideal approach. Solving those problems and teaching those skills would make perfect sense."

    The above is from the Lives in the Balance website. I always get stuck here because like in this case what skill or skills are lagging and need to be taught that are leading to sexting and fighting? And how would you ever come up with a mutually acceptable agreement? I think sexting and fighting fall under plan A (not tolerated at all). If punishments or removal of consequences don't work, what else can you do besides manage his environment in such a way that makes it very difficult to do either. I don't know how to do that either.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2014
  8. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Hi Jess, I feel for you Angel was one of those kids it seemed any form of discipline (even rewards) didn't work. Remember one time turned her TV off and told her "no TV until you start cleaning" in the blink of an eye I had a 19inch TV flying at me, window broken and she was out of the house for around 6 hours that time. An hour after she split when we couldn't find her the police put out the amber alert, she was found on a garage roof down the street (a neighbor saw her watching the search and called in her location).

    Ross Greene's basket approach works great with 5-6 yo's but 15yo's? I doubt it at least not by itself. I ended up using bits & pieces of everything in my parenting arsenal to develop what worked for my kids. Classes Love & Logic, STEP & Oregon parent management training; Ross Greene's basket approach, out of sync child (can't remember author), most of my ammo came from a couple books by Amy Sutherland (kicked, bitten & scratched; What Shamu taught me about...) if those titles not familiar in parenting it's because they are about training exotic animals... LOL actually how Amy used techniques for training animals to train her husband then went on to use it with everyone she interacted with.

    It comes down to reward the behavior you like and ignore the ones you don't. Also uses incompatible behaviors - like her husband would get in her way while cooking (felt like she was tripping over him or asking him to move constantly) so when she wanted him out of her workspace she would put chips & salsa at end of counter and he would naturally go to the area she had directed him into without knowing he was being trained. With kids you have to modify it because you can never ignore what is considered assault.

    We got so use to Angel assaulting us we got lazy about punishing every incidence, so in her mind it became acceptable behavior. When she would get frustrated at school they absolutely wouldn't tolerate it and it cost her getting an education and social isolation in a Special Education school that was equivalent to juvi where you go home to sleep. Expelled from public school at age 12 and it took till she was 17yo to work thru all the levels at the day treatment school to get go back to public. I got a 19yo with no diploma, friends or social skills.

    Sexting is a problem but not as bad as when phone has a camera; a 15yo boy would think it was funny to send a picture of his "junk" to a friend but sending nude photo's of a 15yo is a felony. Kids unsupervised on the internet is flat out dangerous, my 17yo has given out our land line phone number to many "friends" she's met online... She just doesn't get it!!! they exchange phone #'s, calls they get last name off caller ID can open phonebook or internet search and they got our address, use to be could google a phone # and it would give driving directions to the location of that phone.

    Like I said I understand what you are going thru and you are not alone, many of our kids don't respond properly to traditional dicipline and parents need to modify their approach.