Extreme Anxiety!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by pjean, Mar 7, 2018.

  1. pjean

    pjean New Member


    Need advice. Kicked my daughter out for doing drugs and being mentally unstable one week ago and changed the locks. Put out a suitcase of clothes for her to pick up. Now she is saying she owes people money and needs to get in the house to get some stuff and that she is getting a job around the corner from the house. I asked her what she needed and she won't tell me. I think she just wants back into the house and then according to the law they can't make her leave. I have to evict her. Really stressed out and neighbors are worried. Should I go with my gut feeling and not show up to let her in?
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am really sorry you are going through this. I put my daughter out once when she was doing drugs and she quit!

    You have two choices. Well, three if you just don't show up but unless you have a alarm system for your house she could break in anyway and maybe steal from you too. This is what I would recommend. Two possible options...two possiblilities.

    1. Tell her that if she shows up you will take out a restraining order. You have to do it. A threat alone will not help.

    2. Tell her she must tell you what she wants so that you can bring it to her at a busy neutral gas station and if she won't tell you what she wants then just tell her she will get her things only if you bring them...that she can not come in. Expect her to call you names. Don't give in. Disconnect contact if she gets mean.

    Get an alarm system. Druggies break into our homes and steal from us. Sadly, this includes our children. They are different people on drugs.

    Never fall for the common fear invoking but normally false story that unless she pays off a drug dealer the dealer will kill her. This is a common story they tell to get money from us to buy drugs for themselves. Sounds like she may be preparing to toss this one at you. Many a scared mom has given a kid thousands to get the drug dealer away from the kid when what really happens is she just bought her kid a boatload of drugs. Never give a drug user cash.

    Please take care of yourself. I assume your daughter is an adult. Don't let her abuse you. Seek help in therapy or Al Anon/Narc Anon. This is way too hard to do alone.
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2018
  3. pjean

    pjean New Member

  4. pjean

    pjean New Member

    Ok. Thanks for the advice. Yes, she is 30 years old. I do have an alarm already set, but she knows the code if she were to break in. Wasn't sure I could get a restraining order unless she got physically violent with me which she has not yet, but is very verbally abusive and hanging out in the drive way waiting for me to wake up and/or get home from work. She keeps saying she has no gas, but then ends up getting it from somewhere. Want her to get help, but she keeps saying she does not need help that I am the crazy one and that she will call the police if I don't let her in because she is a resident. i am so nervous about her being over in the neighborhood all the time that I am not even staying there right now.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It is your property. If she won't leave you can have her removed. If she threatens you you can get a restraining order.

    Can you change the code for your alarm? I would. If she calls the cops to say she lives there tell them that you are afraid of her because she is a drug addict. Does she ever get physical with you? Any domestic violence reports?

    Have you spoken to a lawyer about the resident issue? Do you live alone?
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, PJ

    I would go with the gut feeling and not let her in.

    She has told you that her goal is to get into your house and not leave. Believe her.

    I don’t know what the residency laws are in your state or country, but you should probably look them up, just in case. It sounds like her belongings are in your house, so that may be a way she could claim residency.

    Fortunately, most of our difficult loved ones don’t want to get the police involved, since they are often on drugs or doing other nefarious things. Still, I would want to know the legalities of your situation.

    Make such the windows are locked, if possible, and any other way she could gain access.

    Protect yourself.
  7. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    If your neighbors are worried they must have seen or heard something that worried them. Could they back up why you are concerned to the judge to get a restraining order? You said she was mentally unstable, does she have a diagnosis? You should feel safe in your own home. Prayers.
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I have a neighbor who moved in with her boyfriend and allowed her son to live in her house. He let his girlfriend live with him and they trashed the place. When she came home and tried to have them removed- called police, the girlfriend produced mail with the address. This established residency and the police hands were tied. Check with your State to see what the laws are.
    I am sorry you are going through this. It is hard. Hard enough when the kids go off the rails, harder still when the sanctuary of our homes is in jeopardy. You are smart to cover your bases and think of all the angles she may be attempting. I am sorry you have to go this route. We do not live in the same circumstances as those with well adult children. Stay smart, strong and safe.
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  9. pjean

    pjean New Member

    Thank you all for your advise and prayers. I recently was able to email an eviction notice (required by state law) to my daughter and also attach the notice to a text. Don't think she still understands or believes that she can not come back home. Still calls me up at work crying. She can become violent with breaking things, but not physically, but verbally towards me. Did get all her things out of the house and into a storage facility. She really now has no reason to come back to the house. Still making her rounds to other family members for money. Just going day by day. When I speak to her, I continue to offer her a bus pass to get to a shelter and into programs they offer. Still wants to ride around and sleep in her car. Also, continue to text her crises hot line phone numbers, shelter phone numbers, rehab phone numbers and other resources. Not ready to accept any of these yet. Praying that she hits rock bottom soon, owns up and gets into a shelter. Trying to stay strong!
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    pjean, welcome. I believe it's imperative that you follow your gut feeling, that is what is supporting you. In your heart of hearts, you know how it will turn out if you allow her back into your home.

    Unfortunately when we stop enabling, our adult troubled kids usually begin the serious manipulations to get us back to status quo, it is fairly predictable behavior. She is likely waiting for you to cave so she can get whatever it is she needs from you. Don't cave! Stay strong!

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. A good resource is the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Many of us here attend 12 step groups such as Families Anonymous and Al Anon, they can be helpful supports as you learn how to detach and respond differently. A number of us have private therapists to help guide us thru the rough terrain of changing, to help us say no, to help us set boundaries and keep them, to help us identify and heal issues within US that contributes to enabling our kids....to help us learn how to accept what we can't change......

    Be careful about eviction laws, they differ in each state. You can google the laws in your state to find out the criteria if that becomes an issue.

    You have made a difficult choice but it is usually the only choice left to us parents as our kids go off the rails......we have to learn how to detach from their choices and behaviors and stop enabling them....it is not easy.....it is necessary for our well being and theirs as well. You've done a very difficult thing ......hang in there......you're not alone......we'll circle our wagons around you......I'm glad you're here.....
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  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry that you are going through this but you have gotten sound advice.

    I notice you posted in the substance abuse forum but you do not mention drug use. Is your daughter also using drugs?
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Pjean
    This is tough Pjean, I am so sorry for your troubles with your daughter. It is hard to deal with in our homes, but when it segways to phone calls at work that is a huge stressor.
    I remember when I had finally had enough and said no more. There was this odd kind of peace, with underlying anxiety about how my daughters were doing. It is difficult when we have to go to such measures to protect our homes and stand up for sanity in our lives.
    You are doing the right thing.

    ouch. I hope these family members understand the situation and are supportive of you.

    Simetimes that is all we can do, one step at a time.

    This is a kindness on your part. I hope she will see this and avail herself of the help that is out there.
    You are doing so well for yourself and your daughter. Take good care of yourself and do things that help you relax and switch focus.
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  13. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Hope you are hanging in there with your daughter.