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Extreme Disappointment and Anger
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<blockquote data-quote="MissLulu" data-source="post: 760029" data-attributes="member: 24721"><p>Miracle, I can really relate to everything you say. I've been where you are now. It's hard not to give the practical support such as driving, because we want them to continue to make progress, not lose their jobs etc. I totally get it. But in the end nothing I did to help my son really made a difference. </p><p></p><p>For the moment, my son is stable - he's working in a good job and is living independently. This only happened after I reached the end of my rope and stopped trying to solve his problems. I love my son (although there are times where I don't like him very much) and I want the best for him, but I've learned that the only person who can change his life is my son himself. </p><p></p><p>Don't get me wrong, I still help out now and then, but it's on my terms. For instance this week he is having oral surgery and I am driving him and picking him up. We have also lent him the money for this expensive surgery, but we have a payment plan set up. My husband sat with my son while he set up a weekly direct transfer of money into our account. Of course, there's a chance that he might stop this payment, but he's been stable for a while, is earning money and has earned some of our trust back, so we are prepared to take the risk. (And the money is paid directly to the surgeon so we know he can't use it for anything else!)</p><p></p><p>Regarding your son, I agree with the others that it would be best if he could find alternative transport. However if that's not possible I would be making sure you give him a deadline. E.G. I will do this for two more weeks but then it is up to you. Hopefully by them he will have the licence and will be able to drive himself, but if not, he knows finding an alternative is up to him.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I'm saying is, for your own sake it might be best to set some hard boundaries - including perhaps a deadline for how long he can stay living in the family home. We did this with our son - gave him a deadline and that worked well. (Although, I must admit, we did provide assistance to move out.) </p><p></p><p>We have set hard boundaries and he knows he can never again live in the family home. He also knows that we are not prepared to 'bail him out' of any trouble he finds himself in. The surgery payment is a loan and I wouldn't have considered paying this a year ago - when things were bad. But 12 months down the track he's earned back a bit of our trust, so hopefully we won't be burned by this decision. (It's a risk, though, and we know that.)</p><p></p><p>Only you know what's best for your family, but I just want to say you shouldn't feel guilty about any of the feelings you're having and that it's okay (even for the best sometimes) to withdraw practical support. Not enabling your child doesn't mean you don't love him or want the best for him. Whatever you decide to do, remember you son is responsible for how his life turns out, not you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MissLulu, post: 760029, member: 24721"] Miracle, I can really relate to everything you say. I've been where you are now. It's hard not to give the practical support such as driving, because we want them to continue to make progress, not lose their jobs etc. I totally get it. But in the end nothing I did to help my son really made a difference. For the moment, my son is stable - he's working in a good job and is living independently. This only happened after I reached the end of my rope and stopped trying to solve his problems. I love my son (although there are times where I don't like him very much) and I want the best for him, but I've learned that the only person who can change his life is my son himself. Don't get me wrong, I still help out now and then, but it's on my terms. For instance this week he is having oral surgery and I am driving him and picking him up. We have also lent him the money for this expensive surgery, but we have a payment plan set up. My husband sat with my son while he set up a weekly direct transfer of money into our account. Of course, there's a chance that he might stop this payment, but he's been stable for a while, is earning money and has earned some of our trust back, so we are prepared to take the risk. (And the money is paid directly to the surgeon so we know he can't use it for anything else!) Regarding your son, I agree with the others that it would be best if he could find alternative transport. However if that's not possible I would be making sure you give him a deadline. E.G. I will do this for two more weeks but then it is up to you. Hopefully by them he will have the licence and will be able to drive himself, but if not, he knows finding an alternative is up to him. I guess what I'm saying is, for your own sake it might be best to set some hard boundaries - including perhaps a deadline for how long he can stay living in the family home. We did this with our son - gave him a deadline and that worked well. (Although, I must admit, we did provide assistance to move out.) We have set hard boundaries and he knows he can never again live in the family home. He also knows that we are not prepared to 'bail him out' of any trouble he finds himself in. The surgery payment is a loan and I wouldn't have considered paying this a year ago - when things were bad. But 12 months down the track he's earned back a bit of our trust, so hopefully we won't be burned by this decision. (It's a risk, though, and we know that.) Only you know what's best for your family, but I just want to say you shouldn't feel guilty about any of the feelings you're having and that it's okay (even for the best sometimes) to withdraw practical support. Not enabling your child doesn't mean you don't love him or want the best for him. Whatever you decide to do, remember you son is responsible for how his life turns out, not you. [/QUOTE]
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