Extreme statements

[Malika]

J was in the bath tonight and when I went in to check on him, there was an overpowering smell of bleach... he had got out of the bath, got the bath cleaner (contains bleach) - my fault for not putting it where he cannot reach it; this has now been remedied - and sprayed it all over the walls and shower glass. He told me later he had wanted to help clean... Anyway, I got cross, kind of for form's sake not because I felt all that cross inside but just because he has to know not to play with this stuff which is not good for him to inhale or get into his eyes, etc. He started crying and then said, "I want another Mummy! I want to see Kenza!" Kenza is the name of his birth mother, which is about all we know about her. A few minutes later, all was forgotten and relations were restored again.
But why, I wonder, does he say this extreme things on so little provocation... I really don't like it, and don't want it to become a habit. It's as if he's playing with relationships in his four year old mind, or doesn't feel fully stable and secure with me? Or maybe it's just the impulsiveness thing - comes out of his mouth without any thought process intervening... We did talk about a bit later and I said I didn't like it when he says these things. Then, as he was going to bed later he was SO sweet... and I thought... honestly four year olds are so very adorable, even if this one is sometimes less than adorable some of the time...

 

[InsaneCdn]

But why, I wonder, does he say this extreme things on so little provocation...

Some of this is NORMAL. It hits you much harder, because of the specifics of the situation.
But the "I want a new Mommy" stuff? Well... I know a whole raft of supposedly neuro-typical kids with exactly that attitude from time to time. It just comes out somewhat different.

J brings up birth mom. My kids would threaten to go live with Grandma. My cousins used to threaten to come live with US (they didn't understand how bad it really was at our house... or at least, WE thought we had it that bad!) I used to threaten to go live with one of my friends down the street.

I think you handled it just fine.

 

[Malika]

Oh well, if it's "normal", that's alright then It still doesn't feel very nice - for J more than me. I do remember saying extreme things to my parents but then my home life was pretty extreme and I was a pretty passionate character as a child... Don't think I started as young as four though...

 

[AnnieO]

It's normal. I remember wishing I had different parents. And telling mine I hated them. Honestly, I disliked them, but I loved them all the same.

 

[KTMom91]

Miss KT always threatened to go live with her father whenever I did something she disliked.

 

[Chaosuncontained]

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids screamed "You don't looove me!!!" or "I HATE my life!" or "I want my DADDY!" --I'd be stinkin filthy rich. And could afford a housekeeper full time and a live in nanny.

I think that their feelings get hurt and then they come up with the worst thing to hurt me back. And it DOES hurt--but never let 'em see you sweat! LOL

 

[susiestar]

In the moment he wanted to hurt you. Period. I seriously doubt that he woudl ever actually want those things. ALL kids do this. Not just difficult children. easy child's just don't often have it remembered because they do so many other things that are not on difficult child level and they don't do it as often.

At about his age I used to go tell my mother that I was running away to my aunts. And she would drive me there. I was NOT a difficult child but did have my own spin on the world, so wasn't altogether easy child either. LOL.

Now we laugh about it. because after all these years it IS pretty funny. Mom understood that no matter what I said, I loved her. She also taught me that it is okay to be angry with someone you love. But you have to fight fair. A 4yo can't know that yet, so he has to learn.

Most 4yo's are pretty adorable, esp when in a good mood, lol!

 

[HaoZi]

As an adoptee, pulling out that "real mommy" card sounds pretty normal. I didn't know many kids of divorced parents when I was young, but I'd bet they do it, too. Consider it prep for the teenage years when you'll hear a lot worse when he's angry.

 

[BusynMember]

It's very common for adopted kids to say "I want to live with my REAL mother." AT least he didn't say that...yet. Adopted kids do think about their birthparents, no matter how much they love us and we love them.

 

[buddy]

"I want another Mummy! I want to see Kenza!" Kenza is the name of his birth mother, which is about all we know about her.

Ah yes, been there done that, smile. Now, at age 14 he is on to telling even neighbors, "Well, she can't tell me what to do, she is not my REAL mom," when I am patient I explain things to him--when he has calmed. Other times I tell him that the judge and his birth certificate say different! I was told even when my son was small, that many of his statements were right on for an adopted child but is ability to deal with the emotions of it all was really delayed as was all of his emotioal development.

I have asked other adoptees and I am sure you have read a lot on this too.....there is always the fantasy life ....they wonder about if they were with t heir birth families would they be happier. Of course, my son has no idea his mother was in jail and his father is again. He doesn't understand that ALL of the children are with new mommies and daddies. It is normal as others said but there is also a layer to it that he and you will deal with in different ways during different phases of his life. I never let mine know he has gotten to me though, he would for sure say it way more often just to see me sweat! (that is a little normal too, but he does everything with extra gusto)

 

[BusynMember]

I read some really good advice for adoptive mothers/fathers once and it worked extremely well for my oldest daughter who would often say "My REAL mother would be NICE to me." Instead of addressing who was the real mom or not (as we both are, in a sense) it said to make the birthmother your ally. So the next time my daughter said, "My REAL mother wouldn't make me blah blah blah" I replied calmly, "Your Korean mother would agree with me."
She was so shocked she just stared with her mouth open. That gave me a chance to explain how respectful kids are expected to be in Korea and how she was wrong if she thought that in Korea her birthmother would accept her behavior.
She never said it again. WE HAVE talked about her birthmother and whether she should find her or not, and I told her to go for it, however she never used her birthmother against me again.

 

[Malika]

Yes, I think that's good advice. Something like this does go through my mind when J says his "I want another mummy" or "I want to live with daddy" stuff, so this morning when we were talking about what happened I did say this to him - "You know, Kenza would also have been cross if you had sprayed bleach on the walls!" J. of course, came right back with the lawyer's answer: "No, she wouldn't - they don't have bleach in Morocco!"....

 

[HaoZi]

J. of course, came right back with the lawyer's answer: "No, she wouldn't - they don't have bleach in Morocco!"....

Somehow, I was expecting something like that.

 

[BusynMember]

OMG, Malika!!!!! I'm laughing so hard I almost spit out my coffee!

 

[buddy]

HEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEE.....So good.

 

[keista]

Oh what a smart cookie he is! Yeah, good luck with him!

So, after you finished laughing or recovered from your shock, what did you say?

 

[Malika]

What did I say? I just picked him up and rolled him in a big bear hug, saying "J! J!" J!"
by the way, for anyone who may be wondering, there IS bleach in Morocco. It was just any argument port in a storm....

 

[buddy]

What did I say? I just picked him up and rolled him in a big bear hug, saying "J! J!" J!"
by the way, for anyone who may be wondering, there IS bleach in Morocco. It was just any argument port in a storm....

hahahahaha, I figured that. you are too funny.

 

[HaoZi]

by the way, for anyone who may be wondering, there IS bleach in Morocco.

LOL, I figured you just told him "None where YOU could find it, buddy-boy!"