Face Book and a visit

[Skylark Matrix]

Well, difficult child has been in her new choice of place for nearly 2 weeks and has attended school there, as near as I know. She was able to get her own apartment, only because I had hoarded away some money of hers in the joint account. She has all her many clothes, shoes, makeup, computer and an air mattress. that's it. Apparently she has found a ride to our home area for later today and is going to collect her dishes, cookware, futon and micro wave. My husband and I are not looking forward to the visit. We've been on this road too many times before - she'll either be super "cool and stylish" or miserable or thnk she is the most educated person in the world. Yesterday she emailed a link to me to be her "friend" on Facebook. And there she was in all her glory, black low cut tank top, white lace bra and lots of b--b hanging out, her favorite look. How many times have I tried to explain to her that when you go around looking like a ???? you are going to attract people who want a ????? She'll never learn. Has of course found a "friend" 25, finishing grade 12, getting a divorce, has a 3 year old child. Sounds like our typical winner. AGAIN. And yet, I try to be thankful that we have contact, I know it is far worse for me when I don't know where she is. She still goes through money like crazy and she is still smoking and drinking. Her weekly student allowance of $100 lasted 2 days. Why can't she learn anything? Okay, don't answer that I know why, I have the reports. Its just all so hard. I don't know how to love her when she comes around for a visit.
Just rambling....

 

[scent of cedar]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Skylark Matrix</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

I don't know how to love her when she comes around for a visit.

</div></div>

You're not rambling, Skylark.

You are grieving.

Be gentle with yourself, and compassionate with yourself, and do the best you know.

Keep posting.

Don't look at Face Place or whatever it was.

No one can make you.

And if you do go there?

Comment honestly.

It will be the LAST time she does this to you.

Barbara

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Hi Skylark, I think I understand what you feel when you say "I don't know how to love her". I think we all do to some extent. We love our kids but it seems to get submerged under the resentment at how they have thrown away our love, have no clue about what they've done -- using every good thing we've given them to self-destruct and responding to the lessons we try, out of love, to teach them with hateful and spiteful words and actions and more self-destruction. Then we feel bad for resenting them so when we are supposed to love them. You are not alone. Detachment is the only way to stop the cycle, I think. I'm still working on detachment myself, I need to practice it a lot better than I do, but I believe it's true that we have to stop letting their bad decisions be in control of our ability to love them. If that makes any sense.

 

[Sunlight]

I do no longer know how to love ant. he is so hard to endear yourself to, so selfish, so determined to have life his way and not learn from anyone or anything.

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs))))

Don't look at the page.

 

[goldenguru]

"I don't know how to love her"

For me ... when my kids behaviors make them less than lovable I have to remember to distinguish their behaviors from who they are. I didn't LOVE the drugs. Or the disrespect. Or the running away from home. Or the lying. But, those are behaviors. I tried really hard (not always successfully I might add) to look beyond the behaviors to the child deep inside. I tried to love her ... the essence of who my child is.

Does that make any sense?

I really believe underneath all of the attitude and the posturing and the lousy choices if often a hurting, wounded & confused child. Put your arms around that part of your child. It makes loving a little easier in my opinion.

 

[goldenguru]

by the way~

My kids have blog accounts too. And I refuse to go there. I don't want to know their deep dark secrets or their heartaches. They tell me about the ones they think I need to know about. Thats enough for one mom to handle.

Visiting those sights is paramount to reading their private journals in my opinion .... something I would never choose to do. I'm not a glutton for punishment to that degree ... :faint:

 

[KFld]

I would stay away from the facebook page. It will only aggrivate you more. There is nothing on there that will make you feel any better, or proud of her, so why look at something that will only cause you more pain.

Talk to her on the phone and let her live her life. She's not living home :smile: Enjoy that!!

 

[SunnyFlorida]

loving them and liking them are two different things.

I for one love my difficult child 1. But...in small doses, and as long as he's not living in my house. I don't like his choices, his friends, his lifestyle, his personality.

I do like that he likes to go shopping with me, he likes to go to plays, he's always open for junk shopping or doing something that my husband won't do.

I've learned enough detachment, still only at the beginning, but learning it,...........that I can separate my mommy heart from the realities of society.

I'm not saying I'm always successful, but that's what I do.

 

[scent of cedar]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Hi Skylark, I think I understand what you feel when you say "I don't know how to love her". I think we all do to some extent. We love our kids but it seems to get submerged under the resentment at how they have thrown away our love, have no clue about what they've done -- using every good thing we've given them to self-destruct and responding to the lessons we try, out of love, to teach them with hateful and spiteful words and actions and more self-destruction. Then we feel bad for resenting them so when we are supposed to love them. You are not alone. Detachment is the only way to stop the cycle, I think. I'm still working on detachment myself, I need to practice it a lot better than I do, but I believe it's true that we have to stop letting their bad decisions be in control of our ability to love them. If that makes any sense. </div></div>

Here We Go Again has so aptly described what happens to those of us trying to love, and to parent, an addicted child. I think it is the resentment that tears us up and creates our depression. It makes us wonder if maybe that is what the child is responding to, and perpetuates the cycle of guilt.

We try harder.

But the problem never was how we parented.

The problem is that the child is making choices that horrify us.

We need to understand that cycle and break free of it so we can see clearly and parent correctly.

Very good advice, Here We Go Again.

Barbara