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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 643557" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Kudos, MWM.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>husband wondered once whether my mother might be jealous. Of me. I think I have it worked out more to anger at losing control...but could that have been part of it do you think, with your mom?</p><p></p><p>If you sang beautifully, or wrote beautifully, or could act...that might be an intimidating thing, something to make a certain kind of mother angry. Abuse is so much about power over, about creating this closed little world where the only real thing, the thing that most matters, is the abuser.</p><p></p><p>A talented child might threaten an abusive parent's determination to erase the child's will. My mom was that way a little bit. I can still feel the way that felt, but I haven't thought about it in a long while. Here is a recent example: My mother and I were at WalMart. My mother came along, certain this, that, or the next person were looking at me because of how I look.</p><p></p><p>I was like, 61 at that time, MWM.</p><p></p><p>No one was looking at me anymore because of how I look.</p><p></p><p>Though I will say, I do cut quite a swath among the over eighty crowd.</p><p></p><p>That was a joke.</p><p></p><p>husband response, when I say they fall at my feet?</p><p></p><p>Coronary.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>It was a strange thing, and I didn't know what to say to my mom. I made a little joke about it.</p><p></p><p>But I know she's done the same kind of thing to my sister.</p><p></p><p>I don't think this is normal. I have not felt inclined to notice or make much of the attention my daughter or granddaughters draw. Other than an appreciative glance, it seems offensive. To my mom, it seems more real than real. Locus of control out there, maybe?</p><p></p><p>Interesting things to wonder about.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am glad, MWM.</p><p></p><p>It is good for you to know you stood tall and strong, and that your father accepted that and even, valued you the more for having done it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think that dynamic requires a victim. In a way, my sister's "We've been duped." was an invitation to unite (welcome back to the family) against my mother.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe I am wrong.</p><p></p><p>There just doesn't seem to be the energy, the charge there, anymore.</p><p></p><p>We have all grown through the sharing we have done, here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this is true, too. Each interaction with my family of origin seems to become a violation.</p><p></p><p>I just got that.</p><p></p><p>It's a matter of perception. I was so sure we could do this, before ~ make family, I mean. </p><p></p><p>So now I know what a boundary issue looks and feels like. It's when you have to forgive someone so often you don't even think of it as forgiveness. You describe it, to those who see it happen and know it for what it is, as "That's my mother / sister.</p><p></p><p>I just got that, too.</p><p></p><p>Well, that's good, then.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 643557, member: 17461"] Kudos, MWM. :O) husband wondered once whether my mother might be jealous. Of me. I think I have it worked out more to anger at losing control...but could that have been part of it do you think, with your mom? If you sang beautifully, or wrote beautifully, or could act...that might be an intimidating thing, something to make a certain kind of mother angry. Abuse is so much about power over, about creating this closed little world where the only real thing, the thing that most matters, is the abuser. A talented child might threaten an abusive parent's determination to erase the child's will. My mom was that way a little bit. I can still feel the way that felt, but I haven't thought about it in a long while. Here is a recent example: My mother and I were at WalMart. My mother came along, certain this, that, or the next person were looking at me because of how I look. I was like, 61 at that time, MWM. No one was looking at me anymore because of how I look. Though I will say, I do cut quite a swath among the over eighty crowd. That was a joke. husband response, when I say they fall at my feet? Coronary. :O) It was a strange thing, and I didn't know what to say to my mom. I made a little joke about it. But I know she's done the same kind of thing to my sister. I don't think this is normal. I have not felt inclined to notice or make much of the attention my daughter or granddaughters draw. Other than an appreciative glance, it seems offensive. To my mom, it seems more real than real. Locus of control out there, maybe? Interesting things to wonder about. I am glad, MWM. It is good for you to know you stood tall and strong, and that your father accepted that and even, valued you the more for having done it. I think that dynamic requires a victim. In a way, my sister's "We've been duped." was an invitation to unite (welcome back to the family) against my mother. Or maybe I am wrong. There just doesn't seem to be the energy, the charge there, anymore. We have all grown through the sharing we have done, here. I think this is true, too. Each interaction with my family of origin seems to become a violation. I just got that. It's a matter of perception. I was so sure we could do this, before ~ make family, I mean. So now I know what a boundary issue looks and feels like. It's when you have to forgive someone so often you don't even think of it as forgiveness. You describe it, to those who see it happen and know it for what it is, as "That's my mother / sister. I just got that, too. Well, that's good, then. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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