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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 643561" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Thanks for sharing, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>My mom was only proud of me when I was doing her proud, so to speak. She herself was a borderline or histronic who danced and was a dancing teacher. She WANTED me to dance, but I had no coordination so she took some solace in the singing and acting. When my voice changed, as it does in children, she was angry that I quit singing. Actually, at 13 I had my very first extreme major depression which was so bad I could barely get out of bed and the only time I actually had delusions with the depression. I thought that all the k ids who teased me at school were standing around the house listening in on me so I had to whisper. I could not have continued to sing and do drama that year if I had wanted to. I was completely disabled. THAT was part of what made me the black sheep...the early mental illness striking. They did nothing, of course. There was nothing to do back then. My mom got very agitated with me for crying and saying "I'm scared, but I don't know what I'm scared of." She got angry at me for turning the closet light on in my room. She got angry because I wasn't popular.</p><p></p><p>The one thing that did bother her was that my grandmother loved me so much, although, now that I have been in so much therapy, I realize that Grandma partly loved me to bait her daughter. It was a sick cycle.</p><p></p><p>The mental illness sealed it with my siblings too. I was "lazy, selfish, an idiot, etc." I did have better years. I'd have a terrible year, like age 13, and suddenly I snapped out of it very quickly at 14 and had a good year. Mostly I spent my teenage yers in a mixed state, which makes one irritable. You feel both happy and sad at the same time. It's hard to explain and on my medications...I haven't felt that odd sensation in so many years I can barely remember it.</p><p></p><p>My mother felt a psychiatrist would turn me against her so that was off the table...haha. However, as stated, they didn't do much other than talk to you those days and often did cause family rifts. As if there wasn't one already.</p><p></p><p>Moving on, I am very pleased that my dad seems to respect me now that I have made it clear I don't require or even want his money and will not have him controlling me because of it. He is t he only family member I could set a boundary with and not have it be turned against me and I appreciate him for that, even if he is not perfect.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I actually don't believe in the concept of forgiving somebody who is not remorseful. I don't forgive, I dismiss. I push them aside in my life. That makes more sense to me than forgiving people who were so mean to me.</p><p></p><p>Although I vent about my DNA a lot here, I actually do not spend that much time thinking about them elsewhere. I was able to get past Sis and Bro very quickly today and unless I am talking to my dad or we are posting about our family of origin here, I can pretty much discharge them to the back of my mind. I have made the definite decision not to stir my own pot which requires me to stay away from bro and sis forever. The pain is too intense when I even check their FB page. At least for a while. It would be much worse to engage them in real life.</p><p></p><p>The less I have to do with them and the less they know about me, the more we will fall away from one another and they will run out of things to say about me to each other and I will know that and think about them less and less.</p><p></p><p>Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />. My work day is fun and my co-workers nice. I look forward to going <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 643561, member: 1550"] Thanks for sharing, Cedar. My mom was only proud of me when I was doing her proud, so to speak. She herself was a borderline or histronic who danced and was a dancing teacher. She WANTED me to dance, but I had no coordination so she took some solace in the singing and acting. When my voice changed, as it does in children, she was angry that I quit singing. Actually, at 13 I had my very first extreme major depression which was so bad I could barely get out of bed and the only time I actually had delusions with the depression. I thought that all the k ids who teased me at school were standing around the house listening in on me so I had to whisper. I could not have continued to sing and do drama that year if I had wanted to. I was completely disabled. THAT was part of what made me the black sheep...the early mental illness striking. They did nothing, of course. There was nothing to do back then. My mom got very agitated with me for crying and saying "I'm scared, but I don't know what I'm scared of." She got angry at me for turning the closet light on in my room. She got angry because I wasn't popular. The one thing that did bother her was that my grandmother loved me so much, although, now that I have been in so much therapy, I realize that Grandma partly loved me to bait her daughter. It was a sick cycle. The mental illness sealed it with my siblings too. I was "lazy, selfish, an idiot, etc." I did have better years. I'd have a terrible year, like age 13, and suddenly I snapped out of it very quickly at 14 and had a good year. Mostly I spent my teenage yers in a mixed state, which makes one irritable. You feel both happy and sad at the same time. It's hard to explain and on my medications...I haven't felt that odd sensation in so many years I can barely remember it. My mother felt a psychiatrist would turn me against her so that was off the table...haha. However, as stated, they didn't do much other than talk to you those days and often did cause family rifts. As if there wasn't one already. Moving on, I am very pleased that my dad seems to respect me now that I have made it clear I don't require or even want his money and will not have him controlling me because of it. He is t he only family member I could set a boundary with and not have it be turned against me and I appreciate him for that, even if he is not perfect. Cedar, I actually don't believe in the concept of forgiving somebody who is not remorseful. I don't forgive, I dismiss. I push them aside in my life. That makes more sense to me than forgiving people who were so mean to me. Although I vent about my DNA a lot here, I actually do not spend that much time thinking about them elsewhere. I was able to get past Sis and Bro very quickly today and unless I am talking to my dad or we are posting about our family of origin here, I can pretty much discharge them to the back of my mind. I have made the definite decision not to stir my own pot which requires me to stay away from bro and sis forever. The pain is too intense when I even check their FB page. At least for a while. It would be much worse to engage them in real life. The less I have to do with them and the less they know about me, the more we will fall away from one another and they will run out of things to say about me to each other and I will know that and think about them less and less. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives :). My work day is fun and my co-workers nice. I look forward to going :) [/QUOTE]
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