Falling Apart

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Phoebe3141, Jan 30, 2014.

  1. Phoebe3141

    Phoebe3141 New Member

    I hope it is OK, I posted this in the substance abuse area, but really thought I might be able to receive some suggestions here as well. My 18 yr old son went to Rehab 3 months ago. He spent 28 days & then went to Sober Living Home. He has been there the last few months & doing great. For the first time I actually saw my son, not the addict in I don't know how long. I savored every conversation. He went right from Rehab to Sober Home & I have not seen him, but see pictures of his return to a healthy person, & in our talks my son had returned. I let my guard down too soon in believing we were on the right path. He relapsed 2 wks ago & was taken to another sober home. In a room search they found drugs in his suitcase but he tested clean. He swore he wasn't using. Then on Monday the second sober home called & found paraphernalia & he left before taking a test. He admitted he relapsed, said he felt terrible & he wanted to get sober again & go forward. Sober house said he couldn't return until he tested clean. He asked if I could pay for a hotel. He was in the lobby of the hotel & I asked to talk to the desk clerk. A man came on the phone & said due to identity theft credit cards can't be taken over the phone, but my son was standing in front of him waiting to check in. So, I transferred $ to my son's account for him to pay. I look in his account & it shows a cash withdraw at an ATM! I called him back & could tell he was high. I didn't hear from him for 3 days. Worried, I called him today. He didn't sound high, but he sounded terrible. He said he got high last night but he now has no $ or drugs left & slept under a bridge last night & it is raining & he is still under the bridge. He said he felt terrible, but could I please get him a hotel until he could test clean & get back in the sober living. I told him no, he could have had a hotel but he decided to buy drugs instead after telling me he wanted to be sober. Now I don't believe he wants to be sober. He will have to make due until he can pass the test as I will not give him any $ while he is relapsing that could be used for drugs. I need to know he is clean & only then will I pay the sober home. I am falling apart. My beautiful baby is a drug addict in the rain under a bridge with no food begging for a hotel & I said no. My heart is crushed. I found out for the first time from the sober home that he is shooting the drugs. This is very serious & I absolutely cannot enable him. Every time the phone rings I fear he has OD by himself under a bridge alone, cold. He said if I leave him on the streets he will not be strong enough to not use. I told him to get off the streets he has to be strong enough to not use as that was his ticket off the street. I haven't slept or eaten & my anxiety is out of control. I am so very afraid. I am questioning my decision. Should I call until I find a hotel that will take the credit card over the phone? If I do that & make him comfortable will that keep him from reaching his bottom & wanting to stop using? How in the world am I going to get threw the next few days/nights when it is raining & cold knowing he is on the streets alone? Am I doing the right thing? I feel like I am loosing him again :(
  2. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Are there any shelters or warming centers in the area where he is? Here (Michigan) the warming centers are open Nov. - Mar churches take turns (2 wks) they come in at 9pm have warm meal sleep then go next morning after breakfast with a sack lunch. Also get medical attention when needed & in sub zero temperatures they extend the hours. Suggest you call police on non emergency line in city he is in and find out if warming center in that area.

    I know your mommy heart is breaking but you must not send him help $$ or let him in your house for coddling right now, he fell off the wagon and his life depends on hitting rock bottom this last time and being able to pull himself up by his bootstraps.

    I'm so sorry he is putting you thru this, worry just wastes your awake time dreaming about a nightmare. Will be praying for you all.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im probably not a good one to answer this question because I havent been able to keep my son away. He has lived away from us for the majority of the past 5 years but when the chips fall, I have never said no. Where I live we dont have soup kitchens or shelters. Even if he went to the next city he couldnt do it because he is lugging a toddler around with him every day and living on the streets is no place for a toddler. I do get the attempt to force his hand off of drugs by making him miserable but for us that hasnt worked.

    Of course my son isnt violent. If he were, the whole decision would be much easier.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Phoebe, I am so sorry. I believe in my heart you made the right decision. I think we have to certainly cut off the money and allow natural consequences to reign. But that doesn't mean it will feel good. Each one of us here has asked all the same questions of ourselves under similar circumstances, it is scary and weird and feels pretty bad to let go like that when it seems they need so much. Detachment is hard.

    You may find the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here of interest. It will help you identify yourself in relationship to your son and enabling.

    It is very important that you get support now. I hope you can find a 12 step group, a counselor, therapist, parent group, family anonymous...............a place you can receive not only support, but understanding and compassion, along with tools to help you learn detachment.

    I know how much this hurts your heart and how much it scares you too. Often we parents have to go through that in order to stop the enabling and allow our kids to make their own choices and face their own consequences.

    It does help to post your fears and concerns here, we all understand and can offer you empathy and a good ear.
    I'm glad you're here.
  5. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    Reading your story breaks my heart because I know how you feel. My 20 yr old son is severely depressed and not able to function. I can't be certain that he doesn't use drugs, I'm starting to believe he might because he acts so delusional sometimes and has no motivation to even shower or eat. I can relate because I feel I've lost him. We have tried everything to help him. But after joining this website yesterday and hearing words of wisdom for other moms, I'm seeing that we can only do so much. They are in control of their own destinys.

    Last year my son just took off for 2 days, leaving behind all important things.. cell phone, identification, laptop, clothing, toothbrush. It was like he was leaving to never plan to return. We had missing person posters put up and I thought my son was in heaven already. I still don't know how I survived those 2 days. But he returned, hungry and wet and cold after being on the city streets probably also living under a bridge with homeless people.

    We can only do so much! I'm sure you're like me and have prayed and prayed and just hoped for some glimmer of hope that this day.. THIS DAY.. will be the day he gets better, or snaps out of it. Sometimes we need to try and detach ourselves (wise words from another mom yesterday told me this) and just hope they find their way. That maybe they will hit rock bottom and something in them will awaken and want to get out of that situation. It happens. You hear about these stories where people turned their life around after a major negative experience like that.

    I will pray for you and your son. But in the meantime, it sounds like you have done absolutely everything you can to help him. He has to help himself! If he knows you'll always be there to bail him out or rescue him, he doesn't have the motivation to fend for himself. That's exactly where I'm at too with my son.

    Stay strong and know that you've done all you can do! Now it's up to your son to decide what direction to go next.

    Hugs to you and your boy <3