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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 691779" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>UK. This was a painful post to read, for me. The cruelty of him, to you. Honestly, I do not know what I would do in your shoes, but I imagine I would have done the same. How graceless of him. How small he made himself.</p><p>This I agree with, but what kind of boundary? In this case she was invited to a family gathering. Refusing would not be right. Why should UK not be among family?</p><p>Now, I am thinking of my own son here who has been with us for the last number of months, most recently in our house. He is working with M remodeling some property we bought. The idea was that he live in one of them when completed. He got in an altercation (not his fault) when he was staying there. We let him move in with us. While it is "temporary" it is open-ended. </p><p></p><p>So, I am not paying him for his labor because he is on SSI, because the property is for him, and because M is teaching him. While he is OK with this, I am not. I do not want him to believe that anybody can take advantage of his work or of him.</p><p></p><p>M and I decided that I would buy him a series of gifts, as compensation partly, to motivate and acknowledge him, and to say thanks. I decided upon a laptop computer and a nice water filtration device which is a priority to him. </p><p></p><p>His response: <em>I do not deserve it for all I have done wrong.You guys don't have to let me stay with you, but you are.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>There is this element of moral masochism, self-flagellation, that he uses like it is a weapon. It seems like it is taking responsibility, but it is not. It feels as if it tries to take away all of the loving generosity I have had for all of these years. <em>If I ever denied him, it was because he was out of control, and needed to learn. </em>Does he not see that? Apparently, not.</p><p>Well, Going, I will be coming to your house. This is exactly the way that I love to eat.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 691779, member: 18958"] UK. This was a painful post to read, for me. The cruelty of him, to you. Honestly, I do not know what I would do in your shoes, but I imagine I would have done the same. How graceless of him. How small he made himself. This I agree with, but what kind of boundary? In this case she was invited to a family gathering. Refusing would not be right. Why should UK not be among family? Now, I am thinking of my own son here who has been with us for the last number of months, most recently in our house. He is working with M remodeling some property we bought. The idea was that he live in one of them when completed. He got in an altercation (not his fault) when he was staying there. We let him move in with us. While it is "temporary" it is open-ended. So, I am not paying him for his labor because he is on SSI, because the property is for him, and because M is teaching him. While he is OK with this, I am not. I do not want him to believe that anybody can take advantage of his work or of him. M and I decided that I would buy him a series of gifts, as compensation partly, to motivate and acknowledge him, and to say thanks. I decided upon a laptop computer and a nice water filtration device which is a priority to him. His response: [I]I do not deserve it for all I have done wrong.You guys don't have to let me stay with you, but you are. [/I] There is this element of moral masochism, self-flagellation, that he uses like it is a weapon. It seems like it is taking responsibility, but it is not. It feels as if it tries to take away all of the loving generosity I have had for all of these years. [I]If I ever denied him, it was because he was out of control, and needed to learn. [/I]Does he not see that? Apparently, not. Well, Going, I will be coming to your house. This is exactly the way that I love to eat. [/QUOTE]
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