Family needing help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Dad329, Jul 5, 2011.

  1. Dad329

    Dad329 New Member

    On Friday, my 6yr old step son informed my wife that my 11yr old daughter had bribed him into pulling down their pants and showing themself to each other and then for each to touch one another. My wife is extreamly angry as well as I am. We are not sure how to deal with the situation. My wife dont want my daughter back in the house which obviuosly creates other problems. Can someone give us some feed back.

  2. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    Kids are curious and it always freaks parents out when kids expose themselves. Your wife needs to realize that your daughter will be back at your home, she is your child and it's unrealistic to bann your daughter from your home. My advice is to sit down with your daughter(do you get along with her mother?) her bio-mom should be informed of what has happened and the two of you as parents need to discuss it with her. BUT...don't make her feel bad...just let her know it's inappropriate behaviour and she can't do that again...find an anatomy book for her geared for her age, the library or health unit will have lot's...she's curious about body parts...NORMAL.....this is an opportunity to talk to her about things, let her know she can come to you with questions and you won't freak out. You're wife needs to take a chill pill and mellow out. This is a time for you to talk to your step son about inappropriate touching etc....and praise him for telling you.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I agree with what April said - but let me add in - COUNSELING. Is there ANY chance something could have happened to your daughter? She's way too old for the show-and-tell bit. in my opinion.

    But, given my daughter's issues, I see this around every red flag. So...

    Also. It's so easy to overreact. PLEASE - let your wife know - daughter needs help - not exile. How long have you and wife been married? And... Did daughter get along with wife in the past? That could have a bearing on things. But counseling is #1 - even if nothing huge happened.
  4. Dad329

    Dad329 New Member

    First a big thank you to both of you for replying.

    April, I just spoke to my ex and informed her of what happened and yes while we both dont agreen on much we can get along enough to talk to her. My ex informed me she has had to get on to our daughter for exposing herself to her bio-brother about a month ago. so i think this may be more than "normal".

    Stepto2, I have called and left a voice mail witht the counselor that my daughter and bio-son seen during the divorce and custody. I am hoping she will vist with me too as I need to talk to someone as well.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    ...You may want to ask for a referral, for yourself - it may keep a conflict of interest from happening.

  6. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    Dad329 sounds like you're handling things very well, I didn't realize this has happened before, the important part is that your daughter recieve help if that is needed and that you and bio mom (since you both can get along) have a united front, however don't leave out step mom include her BUT...this should be handled by her bio parents and hopefully your wife climbs on board for the best interest of daughter.

    I don't want to leave out your step son because after thinking about this, I was thinking if the roles were reversed how would I feel, what I mean is what if your 11 yr old was a boy and the 6yr old a girl???? Not sure I would be so calm and that isn't fair to your step son who may feel violated and needs to know that what happened to him isn't OK and you aren't letting it slide. He needs to feel comfortable in his own home and I understand your wife's reaction, however hopefully daughter can be dealt with and maybe she needs to appologize to her step brother & her bio brother, but she also needs love too.

    I'm glad you contacted a proffessional someone who can guide you through all of this.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, I had a child who sexually abused my two younger kids. Not saying that is what is happening here, but I think that an 11 year old doing anything sexual to a child five years younger is considered abuse. I believe they told me that it was five years...our child (no longer with us) was charged with sexual assault of a minor, although he was only 13 (we adopted him at 11 so he was doing it at the same age) and he was found guilty. We had nothing to do with the charges. The cops took over once they found out. We asked CPS to take custody of him, however he had done a lot more than just showing himself to the younger kids.

    I wonder if she has ever been sexually molested herself. Frankly, I wouldn't leave them alone. Getting help from somebody who understands the issue is a very good start. Since our experience, I take anything sexual, including exposure, more seriously than some, especially if there is a wide age difference between kids. I don't think it's normal at her age. A five year old girl and a five year old boy, yes. But not at 11. Your daughter knows better.

    Good luck and keep us posted!
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I agree with a cautious, loving approach, but keep your eyes open. It does sound like there could be more going on for this girl and help now would be good. As for your son - counselling, for sure. Not in any "you should be feeling bad - how are you feeling?" kind of way, but more to give him skills to know what to say next time.

    A serious concern - you are no longer on the scene in her main home as her father. That tells me that her mother is either trying to manage entirely alone, or (more likely) she has had, or has, another man in her life. Nothing wrong with that - except that some men actually seek out women trying to raise kids alone, especially those with under-age girls. A friend of mine had that happen to her - she met what seemed to be the perfect man, he loved her, loved the kids, they had a lot of interests in common, he supported her work and encouraged her to go back to do further study. "Don't worry, I'll mind the kids," he assured her. He worked from home anyway, so he was always there for when the kids got home from school. It took her ten years to realise that from his point of view he had married her young daughter, not her. All those years of marriage had merely been about getting access to the little girl, who finally told him to stop when she was 15. At that point, she told her mother who actually thought she could save that marriage. She soon realised (when she checked his bank statements - and SHE paid his bills!) that he had also been seducing other children in the neighbourhood. My friend was shattered - she'd had no idea. Her daughter is actually doing really well, but it's not always such a good outcome.

    Women raising kids alone are fair game for predatory males. And these guys are GOOD at winning confidence and getting long-term easy access to the children. Whatever it takes. My friend had absolutely no idea, and even when she looked back on the marriage, she had trouble seeing the signs. But the evidence was there when she really, really went digging. And he confessed when she had him cornered.

    I am sorry to say that I would estimate that of every man a single mother gets involved with, every second one is likely to be a predator.

    If this is a possibility, it could explain things.

    And it could also simply be curiosity, the girl may be wanting to know more but too afraid to ask an adult. And especially too afraid to ask a classmate, for fear of being thought stupid or ignorant.

    I was raised in a sheltered environment. True, we lived on a farm and I saw farm animals, but I never made the connection. I had no idea where babies came from and had no idea what a naked male looked like (of any age). I was 14 when visiting a friend's house where there was her sister's clay sculpture around the house, including a naked male torso. I remember looking at that and wondering how accurate it was; the genitals just looked like three blobs of clay and I had no idea there were 'bits' like that. But no way would I ask the artist, or my friend! I was good at faking knowledge, nobody else knew. The home we lived in had anything suggestive or informative in a sexual way, totally removed. It wasn't until I got to uni and studying Biology that I had a lot of catching up to do!

    The funny thing is - my mother was trying to shelter me, so I would not disgrace the family by having premarital sex. But she went too far - I ended up with no exposure therefore no hang-ups. I had no pre-conceived ideas.

    I do remember being intensely curious (and naive) at 12 and 13. I remember comparing my anatomy to my friend's in the bathtub when we had a sleepover. I discussed with her what felt interesting and what felt uncomfortable. Nothing sexual in it as far as I was concerned, but I'm sure my friend must have felt very uncomfortable. Our bodies were changing and we often compared notes on whose breasts were budding first, who menstruated first and so on. I had a freckle on my chest and we used to examine it to see which side it was going to end up on! Sometimes it was to the left, sometimes to the right, as each breast grew at slightly different rates. That's sometimes the sort of thing that kids get curious about, that they feel sheepish discussing with parents. Especially a male parent.

    But if she did this with her other brother previously, then something is bugging her and not getting the answers she is seeking. I would find out what is going on, and try to find where it is coming from. Shutting her out is not the answer, not if she is not a predator. And this is not necessarily predatory behaviour. But it could possible be the result of predatory behaviour somewhere in her environment.

  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think you have made a great start with this. The others have given excellent info. Be esp careful about the bio-mom's male friends. Of course you can only do so much, but be SURE to let daughter know she can tell you anything and you will love her no matter what. Talk to her about good and bad touching and how to let adults know if it is happening.

    I hope htis is just curiousity, but all of the kids, in both homes, should be seeing tdocs.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    So far you're handling the situation well.

    That said, I think you need to get to the bottom of your daughter's behavior to find out what is really going on. 11 yr old is too old for the natural "show and tell" of young children. That she bribed the boy also throws up a red flag. If it were me, I'd be thinking long and hard if there have been any situations that left your daughter open to sexual abuse. Trust actually doesn't take much and abusers don't look like monsters. So it can be difficult to detect That this is her 2nd caught episode also worries me. Abused children tend to act out behaviorally due to that abuse.

    I'd be cautious in my approach, though. While I'd try to make her understand this behavior is unacceptable, I'd also be careful not to make an enormous deal out of it. If either you or your ex are close to her you could sit down and ask if anyone has approached her inappropriately. Therapy for her is a good idea anyway.

    As for the boy, good for him for telling. He should be told that was the right thing to do and praised for being brave enough to do so. I don't agree with therapy for the boy. If this was a one time event, there is really no need of therapy for a show and tell moment. He did exactly what he should've done. No sense in making a mountain out of a molehill.....and buying possible more trouble. I'd just make sure the boy and your daughter never again have a moment alone together.

    I want to commend you for looking for help. So many parents refuse to believe that their child could possibly do such a thing and never seek either the reason why, nor help for that child so the behavior continues only on a more sneakier level. At the moment your wife is justifiably upset and angry, but her request that your daughter not return is not reasonable, she's your child regardless of her behavior. She's in momma bear mode and protecting her cub. I think if you and ex take an active role to discover what is behind the behavior and take necessary steps to prevent a repeat performance your wife will feel much better about the situation.