Family Reunion From Hell

[Lil]

Hmm.

Well he finally did text, but just said where he was - more than a hour and a half from where we left him. I did ask why (yeah, I know, force of habit), but he just said it was a long story, so I said "Ok, hope it works out, love you."

My guess is, two days before the young lady's birthday, Daddy lost it. I think her mother may be in the town they are in now. I assume "they" because he doesn't know a soul in that town.

Whatever. He didn't volunteer and I'm not going to ask; he's alive and honestly, that's ALL I want to know at this point!

 

[pasajes4]

he's alive and honestly, that's ALL I want to know at this point!

There is that.

 

[Lil]

Well it happened. Jabber's mother called us tonight just weeping uncontrollably. She was going on and on about how awful she felt...it was heart-breaking. She was so upset and crying so hard she could barely speak! Jabber is actually still speaking with her and his dad, the cell phone speaker was breaking up so I'm not on there. But the poor woman was so upset and we wouldn't have had that happen for anything! She's clearly calmer now...I'll leave it to Jabber what he posts, if anything, about the conversation. But I said in my first or second post on this thread that she was going to be so upset...and I was right. I'd have never, ever had her upset like this. Makes me mad at my sisters-in-law all over again for the way they handled this.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Well, now Lil is on the phone with her. What has mom so upset is that she had told the sibs that she wanted our son to stay till Friday because they wanted to give it one more try and they blatantly disregarded our parents wishes and did this. She is concerned that there will be friction among us and it will kill family functions.

That at least explains why the sibs didn't contact me. They didn't want to risk me saying something to mom and dad. And they were right, I would have. Cant help but think of the scene in Last Vegas where Morgan Freeman's kid comes into the party treating his father like a child. If I catch my sibs doing that, we will fight. Unless, of course, there is good reason such as Alzheimer's but that's a whole different ball game.

 

[Copabanana]

they blatantly disregarded our parents wishes and did this.

They disregarded your parents. And they disregarded you. If they felt that your parents were at risk, or if they felt that your parents lacked capacity to deal with your son, they needed to involve you. Either of these concerns is serious. Regardless of whether you would have messed things up.

You would have stopped them from hurting your parents.

In an early post, right after the tantrum, I asked you if you had thought of getting your son out of your parents house.

You said no. Because of respect for your parents. You pointedly said, it is their household and their decision. It is their business what to do. They will handle it.

Had your siblings come to you, all of this heartache could have been avoided.

We can understand their reason to keep you out of the loop. But it was wrong. You equally are a child of your parents.

I know others disagree with me. But this happened to me and it happened to my Mother. It was horrible. And I take it personally.

The thing is they acted unilaterally. There is never a good reason for siblings to do that, and to leave anybody out. Where the health and welfare of their parents are at stake.

My sister hospitalized my mother involuntarily for her own reasons. It was unnecessary and it was cruel. She did not tell me.

It set in motion circumstances that led to disaster, that were irrevocable and probably can never be fixed.

In your case, the siblings acted badly for reasons that seem on the face of it to have been protective of your parents.

Even without ill intent they ended up hurting your parents. And you, whether or not you feel it or say it.

It is never right to do the wrong thing.

The ends never justify the means.

I am sorry your Mom got hurt. That your family got hurt.

I for one think it was avoidable. I hope they all learn.

 

[Jabberwockey]

In your case, the siblings acted badly for reasons that seem on the face of it to have been protective of your parents.

Even without ill intent they ended up hurting your parents. And you, whether or not you feel it or say it.

Their actions hurt me. I'll get over it, its that simple on that point. Funny thing is, by the end of the conversation last night Lil got to hear my mom angry for the first time! The sib who spearheaded this is my oldest sister who has lived out of state for close to 20 years now. She didn't witness the event that started this and only knew what the other sibs had told her. I can assure you that several of my sisters will be getting an ear full about this. The fact of the matter is that our parents raised us better than this and they are about to be reminded. Interesting times ahead, in a Chinese sense of course.

 

[pasajes4]

Interesting times ahead, in a Chinese sense of course.

Families are a lot like chop suey.

 

[Lil]

They disregarded your parents.

And that is the biggest part of this. My mother in law told me last night, they were planning on putting him out on Friday. They wanted to sit him down and explain why he was being sent away and giving him one more chance. Actually, had he gotten a job in the intervening week, they might have given him more time. But they took the decision about what goes on in their own house away from them. In her view, now her grandson thinks she doesn't love him; she never even said good-bye to him. She said, "We'd NEVER have treated ANY grandchild of ours that way!" Which is exactly what I said in my first post...

Funny thing is, by the end of the conversation last night Lil got to hear my mom angry for the first time!

She asked me which of her kids did it and I said, "Do you really want to know?" She was quiet for a second then said, "No, not really." I told her until she could say she really wanted to know, I'd keep my mouth shut. But then I could her grandpa in the background name his oldest and she was all, really? So I said yes, really.

Let me tell you, that lady was HOT! I don't think any of her other children would have gotten that reaction, but the one she sees about once a year, and only when they travel there? Oh yeah. I wouldn't want to be her when her mom gets done.

 

[Lil]

Families are a lot like chop suey.

Okay...is there a punch line?

 

[Jabberwockey]

But they took the decision about what goes on in their own house away from them. In her view, now her grandson thinks she doesn't love him; she never even said good-bye to him. She said, "We'd NEVER have treated ANY grandchild of ours that way!"

For these reasons I would NEVER have went along with the sibs had I know exactly what was going on. Because I wouldn't (never actually said that to sibs but they know) go along with this, the sibs did this whole thing in a way that we would either have to go along with them or create a HUGE scene at a family reunion. They were obviously fairly certain that I wouldn't but had I known that mom and dad had already told them NOT to do this, HELL YEAH I'd have made a scene! And made it as embarrassing as possible for the sibs doing this just to prove a point. I have to even question what the middle sister said about my dad reliving the crap from his youth. I will talk to him later to verify this but thinking about it, why the hell didn't she mention this to me MONTHS ago?!?! She said this has been going on for six months to a year, she couldn't have called me or even sent a quick PM on FB?!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Jabber, you have AMAZING parents!

 

[Lil]

He really does.

And yeah...we're ticked off at the sibs, again. But mom and dad know now that we are not at all upset with them, which makes them feel a bit better.

I told her last night, the ONLY people in this whole mess we were never upset with is them. We're upset with our kid for behaving that way. We're none too happy with Jabber's siblings (at least 4 of them) but he and she are blameless and if anything we're grateful to them and love them for trying.

 

[pasajes4]

Okay...is there a punch line?

we're grateful to them and love them for trying[/QUOT

Amen. Jabber's parents live their truth. They were frightened, but they were willing to put that aside their feelings and give their grandson a chance. They would do it for any of their grands.

I think most families ARE their own punch line. A little of this a little of that with different textures and a mix of flavors. Some of it is pleasing and some not so much.

 

[Jabberwockey]

LOL! Sorry Pasa. I've spent the last few minutes trying to find where you quoted all that from. Just realized that you must have accidentally typed your stuff inside the quote!

 

[AppleCori]

So the truth comes out--

Grandparents had a plan--let him continue to stay with them another week, till Friday, then decide whether he would stay or go based upon his job situation, behavior, their ability to continue, etc.

Sounds like they knew what they were doing and had the situation under control.

Could have worked out really well. We will never know.

Too bad some others had to usurp their authority and take over when it was not their place to do so.

I feel bad for the grandparents and your son.

Could it be that your son would agree to go to a doctor and maybe try a mood stabilizer (or whatever)? Could he be at a point to realize that he is sabotaging himself and ready for help?

 

[Jabberwockey]

Could it be that your son would agree to go to a doctor and maybe try a mood stabilizer (or whatever)? Could he be at a point to realize that he is sabotaging himself and ready for help?

I believe the proper response here would be "Yeah, and monkeys might fly outa my butt!"

 

[Lil]

Could it be that your son would agree to go to a doctor and maybe try a mood stabilizer (or whatever)? Could he be at a point to realize that he is sabotaging himself and ready for help?

A less amusing and sarcastic response than my beloved gave, would be...No.

He thinks he's just fine. Alternatively, he thinks that nothing can be done to make him fine.

Jabbers mother told me last night that, after his melt-down on Monday, she talked to him about his anger issues and told him he needed anger management counseling. He said, "I've tried that twice, it didn't do any good." - No - he has had two counselors and he tried about as hard as he tries to find a job or go to college. He also told her he had medication, but he stopped taking it and threw it away because it made him a zombie. He had antidepressants for about two months before he left for college two years ago. He wouldn't take them at all unless we nagged him and then stopped the minute he got to college.

So yeah...he's not at all ready to realize a thing and I think he won't be until - maybe - this thing with the girl falls through and he's actually hit rock bottom.

For all his griping about being "homeless" he's never really been. He had the shelter, he had the apartment, he had a second apartment, he had his grandparents and he now has this girl putting him up. Between any of those, he's couch surfed. I don't think he's had more than one night where he actually had to sleep outside.

He needs something to wake him up...but it hasn't happened yet.

(Anal-dwelling butt-monkeys - )

 

[Jabberwockey]

(Anal-dwelling butt-monkeys - )

I don't think anybody got the reference. Bruce Almighty.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ack! What a mess. I've read through all of this and all I can offer is a hug.
I see parts of my son in this ... I hope not.
Actually, I see parts of my son in most of these notes.
{{hugs}} to your parents, too.