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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661343" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Wow, what a mess. The thing is Lil, your son is responsible for others' perceptions, reactions and responses to his bad behavior. Whether he intended to scare them, whether he is violent or not, matters not at all. The consequences will always be to him in the long run. Nobody is responsibility for interpreting or excusing his behavior. Only a mother or father is motivated to look at the bigger picture, or the real truth of things. Nobody else has to, or should. This underscores the dangers for our difficult children if we indulge them. They come to expect that the world is thus. And it is not.</p><p></p><p>Does your son lack the capacity to control himself or does he choose to use this behavior instrumentally? That is the question. If it is the former, and lack of control is related to some underlying condition, there may be ways he can be helped.</p><p></p><p>If he uses outbursts just because or to control an outcome, if he chooses this behavior for whatever reason, this has far different implications. What happened is troubling. As I recall one of Jabber's sisters picked up your son at the train and brought him to his grandparents' house. Given these concerns about Grandpa, why?</p><p></p><p>The siblings allowed your son to walk into a train wreck. He was almost lured in. He is responsible for his behavior. He was not responsible for how it was handled. I do not fault Grandma and Grandpa. I do hold responsible the sibs. Those who were concerned about Grandpa and Grandma should have spoken up and a solution found, right away. That all this happened as theater at a family festivity was shaming and hurtful.</p><p></p><p>He and you and Jabber were essentially tricked. You went to a BBQ and it ended up as a shunning. There was a bait and switch around son's stuff and its delivery. Multiple people participated. Nobody is taking responsibility except Jabber and you.</p><p>I know how you feel Lil. My son is adopted and I confronted the same thing. The thing is you have to make a choice now. To learn, and keep your mouth shut. Or go to war.</p><p>Yes, this is true. But there had been no indication that Lil and Jabber's son had changed one bit. The way I understand it, Lil and Jabber were completely open about his behaviors. The extended family chose to help. They changed their mind. That is their right but there is a right and wrong way to handle it. At the very least, there was not clear communication. At worst, Lil and Jabber's son was treated as an intruder, and dealt as such, not as family. If he had been asked to leave after the outburst, that would have been appropriate. If Lil or Jabber had been called and told the reality of things, they would have responded.</p><p></p><p>I would be hurt, too. I am hurt. Grandparents acted in good faith, with good heart. They got in over their head. Somebody should have called Jabber so that he could have taken steps to get son out of there. Sooner rather than later. Nobody did. Instead they acted furtively and hurtfully. Bad choice.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661343, member: 18958"] Wow, what a mess. The thing is Lil, your son is responsible for others' perceptions, reactions and responses to his bad behavior. Whether he intended to scare them, whether he is violent or not, matters not at all. The consequences will always be to him in the long run. Nobody is responsibility for interpreting or excusing his behavior. Only a mother or father is motivated to look at the bigger picture, or the real truth of things. Nobody else has to, or should. This underscores the dangers for our difficult children if we indulge them. They come to expect that the world is thus. And it is not. Does your son lack the capacity to control himself or does he choose to use this behavior instrumentally? That is the question. If it is the former, and lack of control is related to some underlying condition, there may be ways he can be helped. If he uses outbursts just because or to control an outcome, if he chooses this behavior for whatever reason, this has far different implications. What happened is troubling. As I recall one of Jabber's sisters picked up your son at the train and brought him to his grandparents' house. Given these concerns about Grandpa, why? The siblings allowed your son to walk into a train wreck. He was almost lured in. He is responsible for his behavior. He was not responsible for how it was handled. I do not fault Grandma and Grandpa. I do hold responsible the sibs. Those who were concerned about Grandpa and Grandma should have spoken up and a solution found, right away. That all this happened as theater at a family festivity was shaming and hurtful. He and you and Jabber were essentially tricked. You went to a BBQ and it ended up as a shunning. There was a bait and switch around son's stuff and its delivery. Multiple people participated. Nobody is taking responsibility except Jabber and you. I know how you feel Lil. My son is adopted and I confronted the same thing. The thing is you have to make a choice now. To learn, and keep your mouth shut. Or go to war. Yes, this is true. But there had been no indication that Lil and Jabber's son had changed one bit. The way I understand it, Lil and Jabber were completely open about his behaviors. The extended family chose to help. They changed their mind. That is their right but there is a right and wrong way to handle it. At the very least, there was not clear communication. At worst, Lil and Jabber's son was treated as an intruder, and dealt as such, not as family. If he had been asked to leave after the outburst, that would have been appropriate. If Lil or Jabber had been called and told the reality of things, they would have responded. I would be hurt, too. I am hurt. Grandparents acted in good faith, with good heart. They got in over their head. Somebody should have called Jabber so that he could have taken steps to get son out of there. Sooner rather than later. Nobody did. Instead they acted furtively and hurtfully. Bad choice. [/QUOTE]
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