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Family Reunion From Hell
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 661595" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>There is a big wide net that we wove when our kids were born. </p><p></p><p>For many of us, completely removing that net is terrifying. Even when they are grown up and doing well.</p><p></p><p>When they are grown up and not doing well, it's almost unthinkable. Impossible. At first. After all, we are their parents, and we are "responsible for them."</p><p></p><p>Inch by inch, we learn that the net only keeps them from getting to where they have to get...in order to grow up.</p><p></p><p>Little by little, as we can, we take the net away. Until it is completely gone.</p><p></p><p>A lot of times, that looks like this: No contact for a while. None. Not any. Zero. No matter what. </p><p></p><p>We may even have to tell them don't call me at all for _______ days/weeks/months. Then, when they ignore that, and do it anyway, we don't answer. </p><p></p><p>How hard is that, friends? The hardest thing ever. And it feels and sounds so harsh and we want to find a "middle ground", after all.... We want to so badly. But DCs don't understand "middle ground." They see middle ground as the door is left a sliver open for them to wiggle through. </p><p><strong><em><u></u></em></strong></p><p><strong><em><u>Everything we do that keeps adult kids being children ends up being really bad for them and for us. </u></em></strong></p><p></p><p>I had to learn every bit of this the hardest, most awful way, inch by inch, since Difficult Child was in 7th grade and 13 years old, and now he is 26 years old. I will say that I still struggle with this, but I am 1000 times better than I was a year ago. </p><p></p><p>We can't even see what we are doing. We can't even name it, because to name it means we have to face that we must do the hardest thing we have ever done in our lives and it takes every bit of everything that we have to do it. </p><p></p><p>It's the highest and greatest love. And the hardest. </p><p></p><p>All of this is so, so hard to do, even the first time, and then to do it consistently, over and over again, until they finally learn that we have changed, and it's never going to be like it was, ever again.</p><p></p><p>And then, often, if we are lucky, they start to learn to rely on themselves. Again, inch by inch, little by little.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 661595, member: 17542"] There is a big wide net that we wove when our kids were born. For many of us, completely removing that net is terrifying. Even when they are grown up and doing well. When they are grown up and not doing well, it's almost unthinkable. Impossible. At first. After all, we are their parents, and we are "responsible for them." Inch by inch, we learn that the net only keeps them from getting to where they have to get...in order to grow up. Little by little, as we can, we take the net away. Until it is completely gone. A lot of times, that looks like this: No contact for a while. None. Not any. Zero. No matter what. We may even have to tell them don't call me at all for _______ days/weeks/months. Then, when they ignore that, and do it anyway, we don't answer. How hard is that, friends? The hardest thing ever. And it feels and sounds so harsh and we want to find a "middle ground", after all.... We want to so badly. But DCs don't understand "middle ground." They see middle ground as the door is left a sliver open for them to wiggle through. [B][I][U] Everything we do that keeps adult kids being children ends up being really bad for them and for us. [/U][/I][/B] I had to learn every bit of this the hardest, most awful way, inch by inch, since Difficult Child was in 7th grade and 13 years old, and now he is 26 years old. I will say that I still struggle with this, but I am 1000 times better than I was a year ago. We can't even see what we are doing. We can't even name it, because to name it means we have to face that we must do the hardest thing we have ever done in our lives and it takes every bit of everything that we have to do it. It's the highest and greatest love. And the hardest. All of this is so, so hard to do, even the first time, and then to do it consistently, over and over again, until they finally learn that we have changed, and it's never going to be like it was, ever again. And then, often, if we are lucky, they start to learn to rely on themselves. Again, inch by inch, little by little. [/QUOTE]
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