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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661598" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Possibly this is a defense against guilt. I think we need to consider this possibility.</p><p></p><p>My son as a child was very, very repentant. Too much. Sometime he would as if fold or crumble if reprimanded. It was like a theatre. Now he has turned this behavior into martyrdom, and deflects all responsibility to others, as perpetrators.</p><p></p><p>He has been unfairly treated. </p><p></p><p>Others not he are left holding the bag. </p><p></p><p>He can see what he did to cause others reactions against him. It is just that he does not want to take responsibility to change it. He wants his cake and to eat it to. We should all get over it. And give him another chance. He does not get that that gets tiresome. That after 6 million chances, people expect change.</p><p></p><p>Over and over I tell him. X does not feel it is his responsibility to take care of you. He works and feels that you should too, and pay your part as a man. What you think is fair and just may not seem so to others. They get to vote too, especially if you are in their house.</p><p></p><p>This all seems so elementary. Questions of power should be clear cut. Questions about responsibility, too. It seems obvious I did not in my own home take enough power. Clearly this must be the case.</p><p></p><p>My son does not seem to be motivated to change in response to feeling guilt or shame. </p><p></p><p>Then I can look at a another way and say this: It could be that he feels so much shame he cannot take it in to learn from it. I will think about that.</p><p>There are adults who all their lives choose to act exactly as they want regardless of consequences. But they have means and livelihood that allows them to do so. Artists or prison inmates can be such people.</p><p></p><p>And me too when I want. I do exactly what I want irregardless of consequences.</p><p></p><p>Our D C's live in fantasy worlds where they believe, or at least express the belief that there should be no consequences for them. As if they want cause and effect to be separated. Or if they should be uniquely spared from natural consequences.</p><p></p><p>Again, this is why my child needs to be away from me, to the extent that I was responsible for allowing him to live in my world without consequences or mild ones. I am not the world. And this he needs to learn.</p><p>"That was the past," is one of my son's favorite expressions. For him, life is an infinite opportunity for do overs. He does not see how the consequences to many many do overs is that people tire out, and they change towards him.</p><p></p><p>He can always see how others could have done things better and different. Him, not so much, if at all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661598, member: 18958"] Possibly this is a defense against guilt. I think we need to consider this possibility. My son as a child was very, very repentant. Too much. Sometime he would as if fold or crumble if reprimanded. It was like a theatre. Now he has turned this behavior into martyrdom, and deflects all responsibility to others, as perpetrators. He has been unfairly treated. Others not he are left holding the bag. He can see what he did to cause others reactions against him. It is just that he does not want to take responsibility to change it. He wants his cake and to eat it to. We should all get over it. And give him another chance. He does not get that that gets tiresome. That after 6 million chances, people expect change. Over and over I tell him. X does not feel it is his responsibility to take care of you. He works and feels that you should too, and pay your part as a man. What you think is fair and just may not seem so to others. They get to vote too, especially if you are in their house. This all seems so elementary. Questions of power should be clear cut. Questions about responsibility, too. It seems obvious I did not in my own home take enough power. Clearly this must be the case. My son does not seem to be motivated to change in response to feeling guilt or shame. Then I can look at a another way and say this: It could be that he feels so much shame he cannot take it in to learn from it. I will think about that. There are adults who all their lives choose to act exactly as they want regardless of consequences. But they have means and livelihood that allows them to do so. Artists or prison inmates can be such people. And me too when I want. I do exactly what I want irregardless of consequences. Our D C's live in fantasy worlds where they believe, or at least express the belief that there should be no consequences for them. As if they want cause and effect to be separated. Or if they should be uniquely spared from natural consequences. Again, this is why my child needs to be away from me, to the extent that I was responsible for allowing him to live in my world without consequences or mild ones. I am not the world. And this he needs to learn. "That was the past," is one of my son's favorite expressions. For him, life is an infinite opportunity for do overs. He does not see how the consequences to many many do overs is that people tire out, and they change towards him. He can always see how others could have done things better and different. Him, not so much, if at all. [/QUOTE]
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