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Family Stays Mad At ME
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 701947" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Tired of...you are so right about most of us being people pleasers. We want to make people happy and we think that saying yes makes people happy so we are Yes-People! Until we aren't anymore.</p><p></p><p>I think we teach other people how to treat us, most of the time. If we're known as the go-to person for extra funds, that is who we become in their minds and probably in reality. </p><p></p><p>I also think people have a right to give/not give to what they want to, and to make their own decisions about what they will be involved with or not. That goes for you and for your family both. </p><p></p><p>If they want to have a party, well, it may be foolhardy, but okay. </p><p></p><p>If you want to say no to helping, that's okay too.</p><p></p><p>But when we start doing something new or different....people don't like it. They want us to "stay in our box." You're now doing something different. You have changed. They probably haven't. </p><p></p><p>So, there is going to be pushback for a while until they learn that you are a brand new person when it comes to these types of things. </p><p></p><p>One thing I learned in Al-Anon that proved to be very helpful in situations like these: Say what you mean,but don't say it mean.</p><p></p><p>I think stating something firmly, quietly and kindly usually blows the mind of most people. There is nowhere for them to go with this. They may not like what we said, but they have to deal with THAT, instead of how we said it. Many times, when I said No to Difficult Child, I would get upset and then that would the focus. Saying something difficult clearly, directly, but quietly and calmly, isn't what people are used to.</p><p></p><p>Let them have their party. You don't have to be a part of it this time. That's okay.</p><p></p><p>Keep on being the new person that you are. Families tend to take each other for granted but they still love each other. They will come around in time. Hang in there. We're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 701947, member: 17542"] Hi Tired of...you are so right about most of us being people pleasers. We want to make people happy and we think that saying yes makes people happy so we are Yes-People! Until we aren't anymore. I think we teach other people how to treat us, most of the time. If we're known as the go-to person for extra funds, that is who we become in their minds and probably in reality. I also think people have a right to give/not give to what they want to, and to make their own decisions about what they will be involved with or not. That goes for you and for your family both. If they want to have a party, well, it may be foolhardy, but okay. If you want to say no to helping, that's okay too. But when we start doing something new or different....people don't like it. They want us to "stay in our box." You're now doing something different. You have changed. They probably haven't. So, there is going to be pushback for a while until they learn that you are a brand new person when it comes to these types of things. One thing I learned in Al-Anon that proved to be very helpful in situations like these: Say what you mean,but don't say it mean. I think stating something firmly, quietly and kindly usually blows the mind of most people. There is nowhere for them to go with this. They may not like what we said, but they have to deal with THAT, instead of how we said it. Many times, when I said No to Difficult Child, I would get upset and then that would the focus. Saying something difficult clearly, directly, but quietly and calmly, isn't what people are used to. Let them have their party. You don't have to be a part of it this time. That's okay. Keep on being the new person that you are. Families tend to take each other for granted but they still love each other. They will come around in time. Hang in there. We're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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