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<blockquote data-quote="lovemysons" data-source="post: 8370" data-attributes="member: 3305"><p>Hi Allan, it's wonderful to see you here again. And Allan and Karen, In all honesty, complete, I cannot take too personally what a beautiful sunshiny healthy spirit my daughter is/has. I was NOWHERE near the maturity level that she has when I was her age. I was lost and scared and much more like my difficult child's, particularly my young difficult child. I feel it is dangerous territory, for my own health and sanity to give myself too much of the credit or too much of the blame. </p><p>I am however, so pleased that because of the help I am receiving and for better or worse the lack of influence from oldest difficult child in our home, young difficult child seems to be growing again. Years of double duty panic, terror, drama now make me SO grateful for these calmer waters (metaphorically speaking). I am not stirring unnecessarily, my difficult child's are not pulling each other down. </p><p></p><p>I also think easy child is benefiting greatly from the lessons I am learning at Al Anon meetings, she even attends Al ateen here and there and has brought her close difficult child friend to a few meetings. Life is unfolding in a more positive direction. I know many here said prayers for us that are likely beginning to be answered at this time now. I am so grateful for all the care of good loving people. People that don't give up, don't turn their backs, people just like me that understand these depths. </p><p></p><p>Coookie, I have always tried to be the "bridge" between oldest difficult child and husband. They are both very strong willed highly determined people with serious control issues, though husband is obviously much more mature at this point...most of the time, lol. </p><p>I realize now that I will not make any improvement in the relationship by trying to say the right thing to help them understand each other, force solutions, move them toward each other with my "loving intentions"/thoughts/efforts. It's not my business. Not even about me. It's something they have to, they only can, work out for themselves. </p><p></p><p>And...I don't want to buy into the notion anymore that husband is oldest difficult child's greatest source of pain and conflict. It isn't true. No matter how much I've subconsciously told myself that it was, Oldest difficult child has the disease of addiction and any and all sources of pain/blame and conflict will be used to feed it. My efforts/strength/will to treat/control this "disease" will always and only take me down, hurt me, never ever will it fix, solve or improve the situation. And both of them resent my efforts to try and do so, and they should. </p><p>Coookie, you'll be okay, baby steps to pull away and let the "rightful owners" step up. They tell me it's healthier. </p><p></p><p>Oh, and about your idea of borrowing my easy child, well, hmm, let me think...NO! :grin:</p><p>Just kidding, if you ever come to Texas for a visit, I'd love to see you again and maybe bring my easy child along for you to meet as well. </p><p>She is SO alive, I am SO blessed. </p><p></p><p>hugs and enjoy this day we have. :smile: </p><p>lovemysons</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="lovemysons, post: 8370, member: 3305"] Hi Allan, it's wonderful to see you here again. And Allan and Karen, In all honesty, complete, I cannot take too personally what a beautiful sunshiny healthy spirit my daughter is/has. I was NOWHERE near the maturity level that she has when I was her age. I was lost and scared and much more like my difficult child's, particularly my young difficult child. I feel it is dangerous territory, for my own health and sanity to give myself too much of the credit or too much of the blame. I am however, so pleased that because of the help I am receiving and for better or worse the lack of influence from oldest difficult child in our home, young difficult child seems to be growing again. Years of double duty panic, terror, drama now make me SO grateful for these calmer waters (metaphorically speaking). I am not stirring unnecessarily, my difficult child's are not pulling each other down. I also think easy child is benefiting greatly from the lessons I am learning at Al Anon meetings, she even attends Al ateen here and there and has brought her close difficult child friend to a few meetings. Life is unfolding in a more positive direction. I know many here said prayers for us that are likely beginning to be answered at this time now. I am so grateful for all the care of good loving people. People that don't give up, don't turn their backs, people just like me that understand these depths. Coookie, I have always tried to be the "bridge" between oldest difficult child and husband. They are both very strong willed highly determined people with serious control issues, though husband is obviously much more mature at this point...most of the time, lol. I realize now that I will not make any improvement in the relationship by trying to say the right thing to help them understand each other, force solutions, move them toward each other with my "loving intentions"/thoughts/efforts. It's not my business. Not even about me. It's something they have to, they only can, work out for themselves. And...I don't want to buy into the notion anymore that husband is oldest difficult child's greatest source of pain and conflict. It isn't true. No matter how much I've subconsciously told myself that it was, Oldest difficult child has the disease of addiction and any and all sources of pain/blame and conflict will be used to feed it. My efforts/strength/will to treat/control this "disease" will always and only take me down, hurt me, never ever will it fix, solve or improve the situation. And both of them resent my efforts to try and do so, and they should. Coookie, you'll be okay, baby steps to pull away and let the "rightful owners" step up. They tell me it's healthier. Oh, and about your idea of borrowing my easy child, well, hmm, let me think...NO! [img]:grin:[/img] Just kidding, if you ever come to Texas for a visit, I'd love to see you again and maybe bring my easy child along for you to meet as well. She is SO alive, I am SO blessed. hugs and enjoy this day we have. [img]:smile:[/img] lovemysons [/QUOTE]
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