Father's Day Semi Vent, etc.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Jul 5, 2009.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I have had a weird roller coaster ride the past two weeks....

    My main question/comment/vent....has to do with Father's Day

    difficult child had no money for Father's Day. husband needed some work done on the computer in a hurry. Sometimes she does work for husband...he has small company and sometimes hires her for a few hours here and there.
    I called her a few days before FD and asked her if she wanted the work and reminded her that she could buy him a present with some or all of the money, depending on how long she worked. She said "yes" right away.
    husband was very happy about this and said he would pick her up a day or two before FD. However, that morning she picked a very bad fight with him about wanting to move out of her apartment. She wants to move repeatedly for a variety of reasons, but doesn't have the money to do so. She ended up not working for husband and did not buy him a present, send him a card, no email...just a phone call. On top of that, husband didn't get the work he needed finished and had to do it himself.

    So, on Father's Day, she called and wished him a Happy Father's Day. Then she wanted to know if we were going to breakfast "like usual." He said "no." And that was it. Nothing else was said or done. Thank goodness, I had other nice plans that afternoon.

    by the way, husband and I no longer support difficult child...with the exception of some medical and hygenic needs and sometimes we will help her with food (very limited). We have recently worked out an arrangement to try out a new therapist...difficult child made the apt. and we will help with the cost of that.

    Our son was on his honeymoon at the time (Father's Day). When he got back into town and heard what happened, he was very upset.

    So...he (son) came into town for 4th of July with a GREAT FD present and we all went out to dinner...it was really nice. Son and new daughter in law spent the weekend and we had lots of fun.

    We only saw difficult child over the weekend one time.
    WE invited difficult child to pizza and fireworks and she disappeared during pizza time, 'cause the place was near where one of her friends lived and she wanted to see him. HOWEVER, the way she did this was hideous. She picked a fight with her brother and took off as we pulled up to the restaurant. She walked to her friend's apt. Then, she came back right before fireworks time. We ignored her...had a great time at the pizza place with-o her.

    I am very upset that she blew off Father's Day. I did speak with her briefly about it saying "How would you like it if I 'blew off' your birthday?" So, the next day, Monday, she sent husband a "Father's Day email. I suppose this was decent...she did listen to what I had to say. However, I am forlorn, 'cause husband does a lot for her and she chose to treat him in such a shabby manner.

    Also, it seems difficult child has developed this interesting way of coping with her problems/stress/conflict...picking fights.

    Do you see this as well?

    Lasted edited by : Jul 6, 2009
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It sounds like she picks fights so that she can play herself as the victim as an excuse in advance for bad behavior. You guys are handling it as well as you can, I think. You're doing what's necessary and not supporting her bad habits.

    She was awful about wanting to move, but I imagine she will get over this too. She seems so impulsive! I'm sorry that you are dealing with her childish behavior, but you really are doing very well.
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Witz, I would like to think it is a coping mechanism when she is feeling stress and unable to communicate how she feels. However, difficult child is very verbal and we try very hard to provide her an opportunity to communicate.
    So, I also wonder if it is more of an "excuse for bad behavior," like you say.
    This morning, I woke up contented though...patting myself on the back because both weekends difficult child behavior was ignored, life moved on and joy was to be found.
    Lasted edited by : Jul 6, 2009
  4. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Well, this is the important thing--you are able to ignore her behavior and have fun without her and basically just "go on." I think you are doing great!

  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Nomad, I know how frustrating it is when a difficult child seems oblivious to the fact that there are attachments with family that must be nurtured.
    I doubt husband cares what difficult child did to honor him as long as she respected his work as a parent.

    My difficult child was obvlivious about anyone's birthday or md/fd. It was all about him and his birthday which he would start to ask for things months before. Finally, we changed tactics. Whatever amount of effort he put into father's day and birthdays would be the amount of effort we put into his birthday. It's not about how much money at all. I want difficult child to wash husband's car or do some chore that would make life easier for husband. difficult child had one year where he got a cake and a card. No money, no gift. We thought he should be grateful for the cake. We had a lovely homemade dinner and cake. He has gotten so much better about remembering to honor the family that loves him but it took a lot of work. Do to get.

    She should offer to do the work for free for husband as a belated father's day gift.

    I agree totally about ignoring behavior and enjoying time with the family without her. Everyone's life doesn't have to joyless because a difficult child doesn't want to learn how to be socially appropriate.
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    It was already discussed to lay low for difficult children birthday. She blew off my birthday and Father's Day. She did give me a nice gift, that she bought with her own earned money for Mother's Day, however...if I recall, there was a little melodrama just the day before. And, the entire wedding situation was inappropriate and she caused so much family drama/trauma before her brother's college graduation, he refused to allow her to attend. So....we are likely to lay low for her next celebration...we will celebrate, but I tend to go "all out" in a variety of ways, and I really doubt that this will be happening next go around for difficult child.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You know, if that is what she's doing, she probably doesn't even realize she's doing it. It does seem like sort of a pattern, though. For whatever reason she is doing it. I'm sure she has no clue.

    I'm only now beginning to figure out with L that she lashes out when she is going to do something extremely selfish. That way, she's justified.

    I'm glad that you are enjoying your day in spite of her.
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Witz...Oh yes, she doesn't realize she is doing it. It is unconscious. That is a good point. If she can bring that to her conscious level, that would be a great thing.

    Interesting, that your daughter lashes out right before she does something as you say "selfish."

    Another family birthday is coming up in the fall. I'm going to give a little gentle hint to difficult child. Another chance...prior to her birthday. She doesn't have to do anything lavish, but I would very much like to see a real effort. A homemade gift, gesture, a nice card would be great. Something sincere. I KNOW she would not like it if we "blew off" her birthday.

    I suppose I don't mind doing what I can here and there to help difficult child "get the point" when and where I am able.

    It has been freeing to not let these things bother me in any significant way. Sometimes I have brief moments of concern or disappointment, but I don't let it interfere with my day. We've really learned to enjoy life despite of it all...(it ain't been easy...but its been soooo worth it!) :D Detachment: The word for the day..the week...the month...the year...! LOLOL!

    p.s. difficult child has an apt. with- a new therapist this Thurs. This woman was recommended to me. Get this....she greatly helped a woman whose adult child, same age as difficult child, with the same diagnosis, was addicted to drugs. She helped her get off drugs and convinced her to GET A JOB! I was MOST IMPRESSED. I told difficult child about her and difficult child made an apt. HERSELF! The therapist asked that husband and I attend the first apt. We'll see how it all goes. I hope it works out for the best...it is up to difficult child.
    Lasted edited by : Jul 7, 2009
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Fingers crossed!
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree. I think you are handling it very well. It is very inconsiderate and self centered I think.
  11. ML

    ML Guest

    The therapist sounds awesome. We just started seeing a new family therapist and have high hopes that she will help with parenting difficult child manster as well as helping husband to see that he is enabling his 26 yo son J who lives in our basement, sleeps all day and then brags about how losing his job was the best thing that ever happened to him.
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you for those crossed fingers....

    therapist was WONDERFUL! That is with a capitol "W." And daughter and husband listened.
    daughter tried to play all sorts of games and therapist was patient, but would NOT have it. It was the PERFECT mix, I've been looking for. Thank you to my Higher Power! :D daughter is to go once a week and we are to join her in Family Therapy once a month. We are DELIGHTED and she seems positive. She is NOT complaining and GUESS WHAT????? She immediately dumped the difficult child boyfriend of hers once again. She went to a gym the other day :tongue: and is trying to negotiate a good deal (price) to join....since we would be paying for her membership and she doesn't have a JOB. However, she is overweight and we feel it would be good for her health...so we would be willing to pay for the time being IF and only IF she negotiates a very good price AND she goes regularly.

    AND she spent last Friday applying for a job and taking the final test she needed for a certification she has been working towards...she needed one more test and kept putting it off. We await the test results now.

    Please keep those fingers crossed, prayers for those so inclined are always appreciated. I am sooooo grateful that I found this t-doctor....I have more hope in my heart. :D

    Best wishes to you and your family ML!
    Lasted edited by : Jul 12, 2009
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    That sounds very hopeful!