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General Parenting
Fearful that my difficult child has become the Identified Patient
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 625736" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>When I was growing up, my younger brother, who later was diagnosed as schizophrenic was what we used to call the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family. He didn't look quite as much alike as the rest of us did plus he was already on the path of mental illness and clearly, aside from me, he was the most sensitive as well. But being a boy, that wasn't as comfortable for everyone to deal with, hence, he was singled out. I used to have nightmares about him being locked in a tiny dwelling in the middle of a wheat field and I would spend the night running to get him out of there..........even as child myself, I knew what was happening to him was wrong. </p><p></p><p>I think in highly dysfunctional or highly charged family systems, it is not uncommon for those in the family to concentrate on the one who is the most vulnerable and make them the problem. Years ago, that "problem child" would be the focus of all of the scrutiny and therapy while the system itself thrived. It is more common now for the entire family to be asked to attend therapy, because it is more widely known that it is the system which is broken, not only one of it's members. </p><p></p><p>In your case it appears that getting your son out of that system was necessary and timely. However, your ex and his wife are likely cemented in to their prevailing view that your son is "the problem" not their failing system, so they may not be open to any changes in that thinking or the dynamic.</p><p></p><p>You may end up being the only one who not only identifies it, but is actually willing to do anything about it. I don't know your son, but perhaps explaining this to him in terms that he can understand, without being negative about his father and stepmother, but as a human trait that when people are scared and don't know what to do, they often blame someone else. He likely already feels blamed so identifying it with him may bring him some relief and acknowledge his feelings. Fixing it is a whole other issue, you only have the power to change it within your own system, but you might open the door with him to bring the truth of the situation in and let that, at least for now, be enough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 625736, member: 13542"] When I was growing up, my younger brother, who later was diagnosed as schizophrenic was what we used to call the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family. He didn't look quite as much alike as the rest of us did plus he was already on the path of mental illness and clearly, aside from me, he was the most sensitive as well. But being a boy, that wasn't as comfortable for everyone to deal with, hence, he was singled out. I used to have nightmares about him being locked in a tiny dwelling in the middle of a wheat field and I would spend the night running to get him out of there..........even as child myself, I knew what was happening to him was wrong. I think in highly dysfunctional or highly charged family systems, it is not uncommon for those in the family to concentrate on the one who is the most vulnerable and make them the problem. Years ago, that "problem child" would be the focus of all of the scrutiny and therapy while the system itself thrived. It is more common now for the entire family to be asked to attend therapy, because it is more widely known that it is the system which is broken, not only one of it's members. In your case it appears that getting your son out of that system was necessary and timely. However, your ex and his wife are likely cemented in to their prevailing view that your son is "the problem" not their failing system, so they may not be open to any changes in that thinking or the dynamic. You may end up being the only one who not only identifies it, but is actually willing to do anything about it. I don't know your son, but perhaps explaining this to him in terms that he can understand, without being negative about his father and stepmother, but as a human trait that when people are scared and don't know what to do, they often blame someone else. He likely already feels blamed so identifying it with him may bring him some relief and acknowledge his feelings. Fixing it is a whole other issue, you only have the power to change it within your own system, but you might open the door with him to bring the truth of the situation in and let that, at least for now, be enough. [/QUOTE]
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