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Feedback needed: My Ex-mother in law emailed me
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 763360" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have been in NA for several years (groups for parents of addicts). We can learn how to best care for ourselves because we can not fix our addict. I can give you a few ideas that totally changed how my husband and I got sane after the insanity of "helping" Kay. Hope maybe something resonates!</p><p></p><p>1. Go to NA yourself.</p><p></p><p>2. See a private therapist too or instead of NA. We do both. We learned how to take our lives back from ruminating over Kay.</p><p></p><p> Our addicts do what they want to do. They don't do what WE want them to do. They walk their own often destructive paths and get help only if they want to. And relapse is common. We have NO obligation to house our grown kids, many who are verbally abusive, a danger to us, thieves (addicts steal) and they usually don't get better just because we give them living space. They manipulate us and whine....this is how adult addicts get us to enable them. To enable, if I understand it right, is doing for them what they can do for themselves, like trying to force them to get help or giving them money when they wont work. They stay children and often hurt us and they have no reason to decide to get better if we make it easy for them to abuse drugs or not get help for mental illness. They often make and break promises, lie to us, take our cars and total them, make up hardships to get money. I heard "if you dint give me $2000 this dealer is going to kill me. Send me the money...it's life or death." I heard "I am so cold. I need a good coat. The ones at the thrift shops are all crappy." She was sent a coat that cost us over $2OO and later admitted she sold it for drugs. Yada, yada, yada.</p><p></p><p> There is no benefit to them when WE kill ourselves with worry and grief over their choices. And there is nothing in it for us. It took me 10 years to figure this out and NarAnon helped me so much. I learned to do the things I enjoyed again and I don't worry about my daughter that much anymore. My husband as well. Kay almost caused a divorce and estrangement from our other two kids. We are at peace now but we had to learn how to do everything differently when it came to Kay.</p><p></p><p>3) You ex and ex mother in law and ex aunts and ex or not ex.cousins have unproven opinions, often that it's our faults. They tell us what to do. They shame us.</p><p></p><p>You have the right to stop talking to anyone who does this. I cut many toxic people out of my life. Some were family. I have to take care of myself, not make things more highly dramatic. Nobody will take care of my needs as well as I can...I have to do it.</p><p></p><p>Our disturbed kids won't help us. We have to learn how to make our home a safe haven. We need to stop engaging in drama, including the drama our grown kids try to bring to us. Our money train to Kay cost us a fortune. We closed the bank. Now she won't talk to us. She was gifted an old OLD motorhome and drove her abusive husband and herself to the coast. They have no driver's licenses...but who cares, right? Laws don't apply to them. Anyhow now they live far away in the motorhome....other side of the country.</p><p></p><p>The silence has been deafening. The silence has been healing. She left her young son with my other daughter. She is in the process of adopting him, thank God. So we do have him. He has autism but is doing better in a stable home. He does miss Daddy and Mommy but they don't even call him. He has adjusted to living with his aunt and his really nice cousins. He smiles more and is getting special education.</p><p></p><p>Now this next idea of mine was hard for me to accept but I finally do.I have a big family. Nobody wanted to help us take care of Kay. I think they were afraid of her. So after we paid for ten years of housing her in different places, now she is homeless. She got SSDI and food share and Medicaid and lives in the broken down motorhome on the streets with crazy husband. They have applied for Section 8, but theres a long waiting list. Plus she and her husband fight so loudly and often and even in the hallways...they always get evicted. We have spent a fortune.</p><p></p><p>Nobody, including your ex inlaws, have to take in your troubled son. Just like I understand now why my loving family would not take in Kay. Your son is behaving very badly. So did Kay. As for your sons well being and the grandma not caring about it, it may not be lack of caring. Your son certainly doesn't care about his own well being or anyone else's and he is taxing to older adults. I assume she is getting old and already raised kids and may not be great at handling the stress of your son. It could make her sick. I assume Son is doing negative things there. Ex mother in law may be a horrible jerk, but she doesn't have to house an addict either, even if it is his grandson.</p><p></p><p> Nor can Grandma[ force him into to rehab with results. Nobody can or should feel they NEED to fix someone else. </p><p> Your son can go to rehab without anyones assistance. He is an adult. He can call up, say he is ready, and make plans himself, right? Until HE wants sobriety, he won't do it for you, grandma or anyone else. So I give other grandma a pass.</p><p></p><p>Your son meanwhile is pushing people away by his behavior. He is the one who has to clean up his act. I saw Kay lose the entire family due to her lifestyle. Even her siblings want nothing to do with her.</p><p> </p><p></p><p>4. Do revisit all your positive relationships. Maybe decide to renew your marriage vows, travel if you can, enjoy fun and loving relatives/kids, join clubs, do the things that you love to do. We often stop living because of our kids who refuse to detox or get mental health care or who keep breaking the law. But doing better is up to them. Legally we have no rights to an adult. It is also up to us to get aid for us from places like private therapy or/and NarAnon. I am in an NA group on Thursdays at 6:30pm on Zoom. You can find it on the internet. Great group and anyone in the world can attend. You can turn off your photo if you are shy. Our group is the Midwest NA section but you can live anywhere and attend since its Zoom. I love my group. They understand like no others do. Reaching out to others for help has been very healing. I kept handing out our money to sustain Kay until I joined NA and therapy and I had close to a nervous breakdown and a divorce before I would get help. Don't let it go that far. Please dont.</p><p></p><p>If you want help from a book, go to Amazon and buy the SESH book for NarAnon. It is the book used at the meetings. There is tons of wisdom there. There are daily readings. It's a good start. in my opinion the book and meetings together are the way to go....but any change in how we perceive and treat our kids is helpful. We all need to find our own way of making life better. We need to find our way, just like our kids do.</p><p></p><p>Nothing changes if nothing changes.</p><p></p><p>Step 1: I admit I am powerless over Kay's addiction and poir mental health, that my life has become unmanageable.</p><p></p><p>The Serenity Prayer, which is actually helpful with or without God, depending on your beliefs is:</p><p></p><p>"(God) grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.</p><p></p><p>We can't change them. We CAN change ourselves and how we deal with our kids. We can do it.</p><p></p><p>I send good thoughts and maybe you could take the time to learn healing and living well, even though you have a very troubled child whom you can't control.</p><p></p><p>Don't wait ten years.</p><p></p><p>Love and hugs. Update!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 763360, member: 1550"] I have been in NA for several years (groups for parents of addicts). We can learn how to best care for ourselves because we can not fix our addict. I can give you a few ideas that totally changed how my husband and I got sane after the insanity of "helping" Kay. Hope maybe something resonates! 1. Go to NA yourself. 2. See a private therapist too or instead of NA. We do both. We learned how to take our lives back from ruminating over Kay. Our addicts do what they want to do. They don't do what WE want them to do. They walk their own often destructive paths and get help only if they want to. And relapse is common. We have NO obligation to house our grown kids, many who are verbally abusive, a danger to us, thieves (addicts steal) and they usually don't get better just because we give them living space. They manipulate us and whine....this is how adult addicts get us to enable them. To enable, if I understand it right, is doing for them what they can do for themselves, like trying to force them to get help or giving them money when they wont work. They stay children and often hurt us and they have no reason to decide to get better if we make it easy for them to abuse drugs or not get help for mental illness. They often make and break promises, lie to us, take our cars and total them, make up hardships to get money. I heard "if you dint give me $2000 this dealer is going to kill me. Send me the money...it's life or death." I heard "I am so cold. I need a good coat. The ones at the thrift shops are all crappy." She was sent a coat that cost us over $2OO and later admitted she sold it for drugs. Yada, yada, yada. There is no benefit to them when WE kill ourselves with worry and grief over their choices. And there is nothing in it for us. It took me 10 years to figure this out and NarAnon helped me so much. I learned to do the things I enjoyed again and I don't worry about my daughter that much anymore. My husband as well. Kay almost caused a divorce and estrangement from our other two kids. We are at peace now but we had to learn how to do everything differently when it came to Kay. 3) You ex and ex mother in law and ex aunts and ex or not ex.cousins have unproven opinions, often that it's our faults. They tell us what to do. They shame us. You have the right to stop talking to anyone who does this. I cut many toxic people out of my life. Some were family. I have to take care of myself, not make things more highly dramatic. Nobody will take care of my needs as well as I can...I have to do it. Our disturbed kids won't help us. We have to learn how to make our home a safe haven. We need to stop engaging in drama, including the drama our grown kids try to bring to us. Our money train to Kay cost us a fortune. We closed the bank. Now she won't talk to us. She was gifted an old OLD motorhome and drove her abusive husband and herself to the coast. They have no driver's licenses...but who cares, right? Laws don't apply to them. Anyhow now they live far away in the motorhome....other side of the country. The silence has been deafening. The silence has been healing. She left her young son with my other daughter. She is in the process of adopting him, thank God. So we do have him. He has autism but is doing better in a stable home. He does miss Daddy and Mommy but they don't even call him. He has adjusted to living with his aunt and his really nice cousins. He smiles more and is getting special education. Now this next idea of mine was hard for me to accept but I finally do.I have a big family. Nobody wanted to help us take care of Kay. I think they were afraid of her. So after we paid for ten years of housing her in different places, now she is homeless. She got SSDI and food share and Medicaid and lives in the broken down motorhome on the streets with crazy husband. They have applied for Section 8, but theres a long waiting list. Plus she and her husband fight so loudly and often and even in the hallways...they always get evicted. We have spent a fortune. Nobody, including your ex inlaws, have to take in your troubled son. Just like I understand now why my loving family would not take in Kay. Your son is behaving very badly. So did Kay. As for your sons well being and the grandma not caring about it, it may not be lack of caring. Your son certainly doesn't care about his own well being or anyone else's and he is taxing to older adults. I assume she is getting old and already raised kids and may not be great at handling the stress of your son. It could make her sick. I assume Son is doing negative things there. Ex mother in law may be a horrible jerk, but she doesn't have to house an addict either, even if it is his grandson. Nor can Grandma[ force him into to rehab with results. Nobody can or should feel they NEED to fix someone else. Your son can go to rehab without anyones assistance. He is an adult. He can call up, say he is ready, and make plans himself, right? Until HE wants sobriety, he won't do it for you, grandma or anyone else. So I give other grandma a pass. Your son meanwhile is pushing people away by his behavior. He is the one who has to clean up his act. I saw Kay lose the entire family due to her lifestyle. Even her siblings want nothing to do with her. 4. Do revisit all your positive relationships. Maybe decide to renew your marriage vows, travel if you can, enjoy fun and loving relatives/kids, join clubs, do the things that you love to do. We often stop living because of our kids who refuse to detox or get mental health care or who keep breaking the law. But doing better is up to them. Legally we have no rights to an adult. It is also up to us to get aid for us from places like private therapy or/and NarAnon. I am in an NA group on Thursdays at 6:30pm on Zoom. You can find it on the internet. Great group and anyone in the world can attend. You can turn off your photo if you are shy. Our group is the Midwest NA section but you can live anywhere and attend since its Zoom. I love my group. They understand like no others do. Reaching out to others for help has been very healing. I kept handing out our money to sustain Kay until I joined NA and therapy and I had close to a nervous breakdown and a divorce before I would get help. Don't let it go that far. Please dont. If you want help from a book, go to Amazon and buy the SESH book for NarAnon. It is the book used at the meetings. There is tons of wisdom there. There are daily readings. It's a good start. in my opinion the book and meetings together are the way to go....but any change in how we perceive and treat our kids is helpful. We all need to find our own way of making life better. We need to find our way, just like our kids do. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Step 1: I admit I am powerless over Kay's addiction and poir mental health, that my life has become unmanageable. The Serenity Prayer, which is actually helpful with or without God, depending on your beliefs is: "(God) grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. We can't change them. We CAN change ourselves and how we deal with our kids. We can do it. I send good thoughts and maybe you could take the time to learn healing and living well, even though you have a very troubled child whom you can't control. Don't wait ten years. Love and hugs. Update!!! [/QUOTE]
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