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feel bad about difficult child tonight
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 36997" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I understand. And from my point of view, you CAN apologise to her - she knows it was wrong, anyway - because if you don't, your usual attitude will sound hypocritical. But I agree, you don't want her to gain power as a result.</p><p></p><p>Here's what we do (yes, it happens to us, often) - we might say, "I'm sorry I swore at you and raised my voice. I have been trying to not do this for some time. Tonight we were both out of line. I'm going to continue trying to work with you and remain as calm as I can - can we work together on this?"</p><p></p><p>It doesn't matter if some time has elapsed - in fact, it may be better, especially if she has calmed down. Make it clear that you do love her, it's the behaviour you don't love and you want to help her learn self-control, instead of always being the one trying to control.</p><p></p><p>By doing this, you are showing her that it is right to apologise and that adults are not immune to mistakes. But you are also showing her that it is right to acknowledge when you make a mistake, and to try to work for improvement. A lot of problems can build up in relationships (in general - aside from difficult child component) when people try to ignore past hurts and 'move on' without making amends.</p><p></p><p>If you apologise as I suggested and she later crows about it, how you were wrong and are therefore a bad parent, tell her the following:</p><p></p><p>1) At least I apologised. That is the right thing to do when you make a mistake. I'm not perfect - none of us are - but at least I'm working on it. [say no more, say nothing more about her failure to apologise]</p><p></p><p>2) How did my apology make you feel? Did you think I was right to apologise? What did I do that was wrong? Now, think about your actions in the same light...</p><p></p><p>Whatever you do, DO NOT request an apology from her. If you get one, you have every reason to be grateful. If you ask for one and get one, will you be able to value it?</p><p></p><p>I was thinking about this sort of problem today, after listening to parents talking to their kids. So often adults use a patronising tone when talking to children - even where they're being positive and happy - which grates on most kids. We need to use the same tone of voice to our kids that we would use to our best friend who we're having coffee with. Anything else puts up a bigger barrier between us and our kids.</p><p></p><p>Listen to yourselves when you talk to your partner; your parent; your friend; a shopkeeper; and your children. And other people's children. Listen to other parents. Try to remember how you felt as a child, with the different approaches you will identify.</p><p></p><p>Back in January when my kids were in that end-scene from "The Black Balloon" the production people hired a very kind lady to work with the autistic kids in the cast. She was especially focussed on difficult child 3, who had lines and was a focus for the scene. The age range of the kids was 13 to 23. She was trained in Special Education and working with kids on Behaviour Plans. Yet her manner towards the kids was over-the-top happy, patronising in the extreme. You know the thing - exaggerated voice and extreme variation in pitch, false enthusiasm, "M-y-y-y, ISN'T tha-a-t drawing L-U-U-U-V-L-e-e-e!!!" Thoroughly over the top. The kids, even those with appalling social skills, were smart enough to feel insulted. She really was a lovely person, she just seemed to have no idea about talking to kids. It's a method that is great for toddlers (maybe) who have language difficulties, but not for kids who are already suspicious about people's intentions and honesty.</p><p></p><p>I'm probably not telling you anything you need - I just mention it in case, and for anyone else who hasn't yet picked up on this. I've seen some difficult children go into a rage, just because someone use this "voice" on them. One of my sisters used to do it when I was a kid - I hated it because it always seemed to me that she was ignoring me while trying to sound interested.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 36997, member: 1991"] I understand. And from my point of view, you CAN apologise to her - she knows it was wrong, anyway - because if you don't, your usual attitude will sound hypocritical. But I agree, you don't want her to gain power as a result. Here's what we do (yes, it happens to us, often) - we might say, "I'm sorry I swore at you and raised my voice. I have been trying to not do this for some time. Tonight we were both out of line. I'm going to continue trying to work with you and remain as calm as I can - can we work together on this?" It doesn't matter if some time has elapsed - in fact, it may be better, especially if she has calmed down. Make it clear that you do love her, it's the behaviour you don't love and you want to help her learn self-control, instead of always being the one trying to control. By doing this, you are showing her that it is right to apologise and that adults are not immune to mistakes. But you are also showing her that it is right to acknowledge when you make a mistake, and to try to work for improvement. A lot of problems can build up in relationships (in general - aside from difficult child component) when people try to ignore past hurts and 'move on' without making amends. If you apologise as I suggested and she later crows about it, how you were wrong and are therefore a bad parent, tell her the following: 1) At least I apologised. That is the right thing to do when you make a mistake. I'm not perfect - none of us are - but at least I'm working on it. [say no more, say nothing more about her failure to apologise] 2) How did my apology make you feel? Did you think I was right to apologise? What did I do that was wrong? Now, think about your actions in the same light... Whatever you do, DO NOT request an apology from her. If you get one, you have every reason to be grateful. If you ask for one and get one, will you be able to value it? I was thinking about this sort of problem today, after listening to parents talking to their kids. So often adults use a patronising tone when talking to children - even where they're being positive and happy - which grates on most kids. We need to use the same tone of voice to our kids that we would use to our best friend who we're having coffee with. Anything else puts up a bigger barrier between us and our kids. Listen to yourselves when you talk to your partner; your parent; your friend; a shopkeeper; and your children. And other people's children. Listen to other parents. Try to remember how you felt as a child, with the different approaches you will identify. Back in January when my kids were in that end-scene from "The Black Balloon" the production people hired a very kind lady to work with the autistic kids in the cast. She was especially focussed on difficult child 3, who had lines and was a focus for the scene. The age range of the kids was 13 to 23. She was trained in Special Education and working with kids on Behaviour Plans. Yet her manner towards the kids was over-the-top happy, patronising in the extreme. You know the thing - exaggerated voice and extreme variation in pitch, false enthusiasm, "M-y-y-y, ISN'T tha-a-t drawing L-U-U-U-V-L-e-e-e!!!" Thoroughly over the top. The kids, even those with appalling social skills, were smart enough to feel insulted. She really was a lovely person, she just seemed to have no idea about talking to kids. It's a method that is great for toddlers (maybe) who have language difficulties, but not for kids who are already suspicious about people's intentions and honesty. I'm probably not telling you anything you need - I just mention it in case, and for anyone else who hasn't yet picked up on this. I've seen some difficult children go into a rage, just because someone use this "voice" on them. One of my sisters used to do it when I was a kid - I hated it because it always seemed to me that she was ignoring me while trying to sound interested. Marg [/QUOTE]
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