Feel like there is more than addiction

[BusynMember]

Copa nobody but a very strong person could handle the job you did. It isnt for the faint of heart to work with inmates!

You just have trouble standing up to those you love. Seperate issue in my opinion.

I am a strong person. I had to be. I had to learn to emotionally be on my own very young and so did you and this helped us be able to navigate life on our own. Many people dont know how to do this.

But like you if I really love someone I am not as able to stand my ground. If I dont love someone, I can and will stick up for myself and my loved ones, as can you. How many schools did you fight and win for your son, like me? How many times did you stand up to your boss if something was unfair? Or stood up to inmates? Or kindly stand up for your views in this forum?

You and I are a lot alike in some ways. We are not perfect. But we are not weak. Maybe we define strength differently. I will fight for myself, my neefs, my sanity, and have no trouble asking, even pushing, for justice for myslf but also others, especially loved ones and vulnerable people.

And so will you.

Many people are afraid to do this.

I dont think you are weak. Not at all. If you are weak then so am I. And I have been very hard on myself and blamed me for many things, but I never thought I was weak. And I dont know how you can think you are weak either. You are not!

So there

 

[Smithmom]

I've spent the night just trying to figure out how to convey the depth of my sadness. That is, how sad I find it that you think this way about yourself. Strength is not something you are born with. Its not like the color of your eyes. Its knowing who you are and defending that when someone challenges it. Its learned. How many abused women stay because they think they deserve it? They think so little of themselves that they agree when an abuser says they deserve to be abused. When your son "twists his words around" you agree. You believe that it's someone else's fault and take on the guilt and responsibility so he doesn't have to. Its not strength that would prevent someone from doing that to me. Its the absolute conviction that I know who I am and what I do and they are wrong. Its not strength that prevents me from being manipulated and used. Its knowledge. Maybe this is all just wording. I don't think so. I think its about my belief in me. That's what I find so sad. That you don't believe in you.
.

 

[toughlovin]

Trying.... you are stronger than you think!! I believe I am strong... and I probaby would have signed too. I think we all have to do what we have to do to....no judgement here. There are no clear answers. No right way. It is really hard when you are so far away and you are so helpless.....

So here is my question for you. What support are you getting for yourself beyond this board? Have you found some kind of live support group like alanon? I really think meeting other live parents who are going through this can make a huge difference. I will never forget the relief I felt when I went to my first alanon parents meeting. My son was 19 and in jail.... and I felt like it was the worst thing in the world. I walked into this meeting and met other people, nice people who also had kids with drug problems. I cried the whole meeting... but here were these people who were nice normal people with kids as screwed up as mine. It was like a load off my shoulders. It is 8 years later and my son is still a mess but I am a whole lot better and I am living and enjoying my life. I still go to that alanon meeting on a regular basis. It has probably helped me more than anything else.

TL

 

[tryingtobestrong]

I see a counselor and I go to a parents meeting. I find them helpful but when Sh*t hits the fan I crumble.
He was discharged on Wednesday because of the insurance refusing to pay. He only went for this short stay because of the girl he met for a few short weeks. He fell hard again because he feels he needs someone to love him to feel good about himself. So, when he relapsed he was mean and nasty and acted very unstable and so she pulled away which was what she needed to do. She told his friend that he needed to get help and be sober so he went "for her" he said in an email to me... He felt if he showed her he was serious about getting sober again she would get back into a relationship with him... Nope, she was done because of how he acted. Texting her 100's of times using fake numbers, calling her etc. So, yesterday he just "wanted to hear that there was no chance". He said he will be fine if he heard that.... Well, he finally heard it and crashed. Refused to go to his therapy session, refused to do anything. Told me he wanted me to fly there and take his cat because he was pulling his money out and moving to another state to be homeless. That he was done with life, that he deserved all the misery he has, that he was a human piece of garbage, etc. Was he drinking... I have no clue. Did he resort to self harm.... most likely . Hard to know when you are so far away.
He has something majorly wrong with how he feels he needs someone in his life. As soon as that someone starts pulling away he resorts to drinking and then doesn't stop.
He had a loving home growing up. Spoiled rotten- yes.
The treatment facility is a dual diagnosis place. They want to do PTSD testing on him to see if he has something underlying... Tells me insurance doesn't cover this.. I never even heard of such a test.
I have no clue what could have happened to him. He seemed like a normal child up until puberty when his hormones kicked in. Then the bullying grew worse from his peers in school. Other than that I just don't know.
His friend went to check on him then and left me know he was okay.
I need to just block his number and not take this manipulation. If he takes his life or wants to be homeless than that is his choice.

 

[Triedntrue]

The needs to be in a relationship sounds like my son. I told him i don't want to know about his relationships anymore. Maybe it would be a good idea to block his number for awhile to just give you some peace we all get overwhelmed at times and you seem to be at that point. Maybe a text or email saying that your health is suffering and you need some time to take care of yourself and he needs to do the same. That you love him but can not deal with the chaos anymore. Then block do not wait for a reply because he will guilt you. Good luck.

 

[Elsi]

C is like this with relationships, too. Puts all his hope and self esteem into a girl and then when it doesn’t work out crashes. This last time he’s trying sobriety is the first time I think in his life he’s done it without a girl involved. Perhaps that is a hopeful sign? I don’t know. But I’ve sure been there with witnessing these crashes, self destructive behaviors, suicide threats, etc. It is really rough and there is little we can do for them from the outside. Ultimately they need to decide they are worth something even outside of a relationship, and stop putting so much emphasis on something external. If he was only trying to get sober for her he was doing it for the wrong reasons and it was never going to last.

We all crumble at times watching our kids go through this. But you keep getting up. You keep setting and holding boundaries. You keep moving forward. You are stronger than you think. Hugs.

 

[toughlovin]

My son is like this also.....The relationship is like a drug too. And he also gets obsessive with the constant texting etc. I have really come to believe that we can’t really make them hit bottom..... there is no point in trying to get them to hit it sooner. Yes it is important not to enable them to drink so dont give them money to buy booze or help them drink or drug. But the best way for them to find their way to recovery is to also know they are loved and cared for because they feel horrible about themselves so I suggest you continue to let him know you love him...... no need to reject him or turn your back on him. Have as much or as little contact with him that is good for you. At this point your guiding light is how you feel and what is good for you.....he needs to find his own way and you need to take care of yourself. Do what you can to find things in your life that fulfill you and make you happy and enjoy life. This is probably going to continue for a while..... so buckle up for a long ride and take care of you.

TL

 

[Kathy813]

This last time he’s trying sobriety is the first time I think in his life he’s done it without a girl involved. Perhaps that is a hopeful sign?

One of the tenets of AA is that you shouldn't get involved in a romantic relationship for the first year of sobriety. The focus should be on yourself and your recovery.

Of course, not everybody can follow that but it makes sense that relationships can be triggers for relapse. . . a fight, a breakup, partner's relapse, etc.

 

[Smithmom]

PTSD testing? Huh? Definition of word testing? Its a psychiatric diagnosis. There's no blood tests to make psychiatric diagnosis. But another reason to keep him? Something they think they can get you to pay for?

So happy for you that you stood up to this and let him be discharged to do whatever it is he's going to do. Out of your control.

Stay resolute. He will find his way. Its his life, his path, not yours.

While it may sound odd, having lived through what I did with mine, I actually can imagine testing for PTSD. There was a time when certain images would come to my mind and cause faster pulse, increased stress reaction, things that can be measured.