Marcie Mac
Just Plain Ole Tired
I have been trying my best to take the high road with my family, trying to make peace and just let the past go, especially with my mother who is getting up there in years.
My younger brother passed away on Saturday - he was only 53 and had pancreatic cancer. The few times he was visiting my mother, I tried to get him on the phone to no avail, he would just walk out of the room and she would make excuses why he couldn't talk. We were not close - I left when he was 13, and only saw him one other time back in 1978. He never bothered to keep in touch, nor did I. I recently sent him a card to say how sorry I was that he was ill, and I would keep some positive thoughts for him. Never got an acknowledgement but that is ok - I never expected one. He was always the golden boy of the family - could never do any wrong - I was the difficult child and everyone breathed a sigh of relief, I am sure, when I left.
I was just pondering how, despite being on my own, never ever asking anyone in my family for as much as a penny, working hard, raising a family, buying my own house, keeping a decent paying job in the same place for years, that I can never get past being the person I was at 17 in their eyes (not to mention my mother embelishing stuff that happened along the way in a way to make her look like a martyr and me the continual bad guy) Why was setting down my boundaries with my mother that I would no longer allow her to cross always ended up as a bad thing as far as they were concerned (but to be fair, she probably didn't tell them she went to hit me with a shoe at 43 cause she didn't like my attitude - a favorite tactic of hers when she couldn't get to me with cruel words - I didn't actually throw her out of my house but threw her out of my bedroom- but at this point, its moot - they have no idea (or want to know) of the person I became and there is no clearing of my name or charges of what I did/didn't actually do). Witz, I know you can relate
My mother is understandably upset over my brother - I get that. I am sad for things that never were to be for me and my family, I spent most of my childhood wishing I would find out I was adopted, or the hospital made an error, and I had some other family out there who would come to claim me. But is it really necessary for me to be told "The last of my family has died - I have no one left - I am all alone in this world" After about the third time of her saying this, I called her on it and said would you stop saying that. And she says, I didn't mean it THAT way, like I am over reacting, and then gets upset because I got a tad upset with her. She was at my brothers house, and am sure how the conversation went with other family members when she hung up. Sigh...
Who knew at almost 58 I would have something in common with Peter bleeping Pan. This taking the high road and being the better person..I don't know if I can walk it much longer. My difficult child'ness is starting to rear its head after being dormant for ever so long, and am sure I see briefly a slight glimmer of a fork in the road up ahead heading straight downhill again. Being belittled and sort of being told I am not worth much in counting as an actual family member is starting to get to me..augggg
Marcie
My younger brother passed away on Saturday - he was only 53 and had pancreatic cancer. The few times he was visiting my mother, I tried to get him on the phone to no avail, he would just walk out of the room and she would make excuses why he couldn't talk. We were not close - I left when he was 13, and only saw him one other time back in 1978. He never bothered to keep in touch, nor did I. I recently sent him a card to say how sorry I was that he was ill, and I would keep some positive thoughts for him. Never got an acknowledgement but that is ok - I never expected one. He was always the golden boy of the family - could never do any wrong - I was the difficult child and everyone breathed a sigh of relief, I am sure, when I left.
I was just pondering how, despite being on my own, never ever asking anyone in my family for as much as a penny, working hard, raising a family, buying my own house, keeping a decent paying job in the same place for years, that I can never get past being the person I was at 17 in their eyes (not to mention my mother embelishing stuff that happened along the way in a way to make her look like a martyr and me the continual bad guy) Why was setting down my boundaries with my mother that I would no longer allow her to cross always ended up as a bad thing as far as they were concerned (but to be fair, she probably didn't tell them she went to hit me with a shoe at 43 cause she didn't like my attitude - a favorite tactic of hers when she couldn't get to me with cruel words - I didn't actually throw her out of my house but threw her out of my bedroom- but at this point, its moot - they have no idea (or want to know) of the person I became and there is no clearing of my name or charges of what I did/didn't actually do). Witz, I know you can relate
My mother is understandably upset over my brother - I get that. I am sad for things that never were to be for me and my family, I spent most of my childhood wishing I would find out I was adopted, or the hospital made an error, and I had some other family out there who would come to claim me. But is it really necessary for me to be told "The last of my family has died - I have no one left - I am all alone in this world" After about the third time of her saying this, I called her on it and said would you stop saying that. And she says, I didn't mean it THAT way, like I am over reacting, and then gets upset because I got a tad upset with her. She was at my brothers house, and am sure how the conversation went with other family members when she hung up. Sigh...
Who knew at almost 58 I would have something in common with Peter bleeping Pan. This taking the high road and being the better person..I don't know if I can walk it much longer. My difficult child'ness is starting to rear its head after being dormant for ever so long, and am sure I see briefly a slight glimmer of a fork in the road up ahead heading straight downhill again. Being belittled and sort of being told I am not worth much in counting as an actual family member is starting to get to me..augggg
Marcie