Feeling a bit melancholy...mom

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Jun 9, 2010.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    The nursing facility in PA called my sister T late yesterday and left a message that a bed has become available for my mom.

    On Monday, we took my mom to my Dr for a physical - she was so kind and patient with my mom and gave us so much information, answered all our questions, etc. But then the call came from the nursing home and we don't know how much of a window we have to bring mom there. I was hoping we could get all her medical stuff ironed out beforehand. I have to wait this morning until my sister speaks with the nursing home rep and then I guess we will have a dead end date.

    I also have to contact the bank in PA and have them close the account and forward me a check for the balances. Fun. I still haven't spoken with my sister M in PA but T has spoken with her via emails and M has been very condescending and hostile. (You may recall that I had to intervene and cancel the debit card on mom's accounts because my sister M was using them at a casino in PA!!!)

    On the one hand, I am relieved that everything is going smoothly now that we've taken over and that mom has the promise of a bed. But on the other hand, I have butterflies in my stomach as with mom going back to PA (until a bed opens here in CT), she will be back primarily in M's hands and I worry about that. M has a way of trying to make us out to be the bad guys and I wouldn't put it past her to tell my mom that it is us who put mom into the home and then blather on about how she wanted her to stay put in her home, etc. It's truly nauseating and infuriating! I am practicing my detachment skills in regards to my sister M because, after all, what else can I do? If I didn't detach from her and her 'stuff', I may just kill her. LOL. No, seriously, I might.

    I have all these memories zipping around in my head about my mom. You know, as you grow into an adult, you are able to have a better perspective about your parent's failures - and trust me, there are plenty. However, counseling helped me put most of them behind me and become me and the mother I wanted to be with my kids. And what's left are some pretty fun and happy memories of my lilfe as a kid growing up in suburbia Long Island. Anyway, I'm just feeling melancholy today and I'm sad that we only had her a couple of short weeks - she hadn't even settled in yet and now we have to give her up again.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I can completely understand your feelings here, both about your mom and sister M. I think detachment is the best answer -- and continuing to hold onto those happy memories that you have. Remember that this is just a short phase until you get your mom settled in the nursing home. Whatever M decides to do, she'll do. All you can do is continue to live your life, speak your truth, and know that you've done the best you can with this situation and the decisions you've made have been out of love for your mom. That's all that matters. Hopefully, your mom is still able to recognize that.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Jo, I understand completely the worries and hopes for mom's later years. I'm sorry your sister is taking advantage of your mom. Not nice. Karma will get her eventually. It always does. Negative behavior seems to begets negative lives. in my humble opinion.

    I don't have the same issues but I do have a sister who seems more sensitive and highly strung. I guess every family has it's quirkier characters.

    Anyhow, I just wanted to say I hope the melancholy moves on and you enjoy your mom for as long as you can.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hugs. I can't imagine.

    I don't suppose there's any way for your mom to stay until a bed opens up, is there? Perhaps a high school or college age kid could be hired to "sit"?

    I dunno. It worries me, too, sending her back to M.

    Hugs. You know what's best!
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks ladies. I waffle between feeling emotionally distraught and using my logical sensei n knowing that this is just one big step to getting her up here in CT for good and closer to all of us. Between my sister T and her family and mind, mom will have a great support team. It's the interim weeks that upset me, but again, I just remind myself self that it's a necessary step.

    My sister T spoke with the nursing home and we are driving Mom down to PA on Friday and bringing her to the home on Saturday AM. We are bringing with us photos to hang, a small tv with a DVD player in it and some personal belongings to make the room cozy and warm.

    I find myself wondering if M has read her email yet and knows. And when she does, will she call anyone? Will she make herself present on Satuday and be able leave her anger and resentment home? I refuse to get into anything with her - I will not even discuss the bank stuff even if she brings it up. This is about my mom and T and I have already decided that's where the focus will remain.

    Thanks for the support - I have no one to talk about this with right now and while H will listen, he doesn't know what to say.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    You know - after what you have postd about M in the past? It seems to me that she is major difficult child - so with that in mind - my thought is that you and T are doing this move FOR your Mom. She will be somewhere she can get care, she will be watched around the clock 24/7. She will have companionship with people her age. She will have no one taking advantage of her bank account. Your sister M seems like she will not really go overboard here - she's not angry about not being able to take care of your Mom - she's angry about your Mom's bank account not being able to take care of her. Whatever she got in her mind that said to herself "HEY I'm taking care of Mom, I DESERVE some cash - and since I'm the one watching Mom - I'll take Mom's cash - she owes me!!! Maybe she figured she'd just take the money and no one would ever know - but it seems to me that if she really had your Mom's best interest at heart and REALLY REALLY wanted to take CARE of your Mom - it's pretty near impossible to do that from a Casino. - not?

    She's betrayed your Mom, and since she can't blame herself (NO difficult child truly can) she has to point a little, crooked finger at someone - and the ones that will be hurt or affected or give her some kind of rebuttle? You and T. I wouldn't bandy words with her period. I would say - "You are welcome to be a part of Moms life - sans her bank account. That money is for Mom alone, and her needs and expenses." If she were to start pooh with your Mom? I wouldn't argue back - I'd laugh and shake my head - let her rant, rave - have a little hissy fit if she wants - but I wouldn't react to anything she said or did - so help me. I'd just make it out to be like she's crazy. I would reinforce with my Mom that I loved her, and have consulted T on every decision that has been made regarding this and M was informed as well, AND that all of this move is because you want to make sure she has the best possible care in a safe environment - where you care close enough to visit regularly.

    Keep in mind - M is made at herself and blaming everyone but the one in the mirror. She's probably angry she did not take out more money when she had the chance. Know what I mean??

    You're a good daughter - you know that. Nothing you've done regarding your Mom has been without love and care, concern for her. That's wonderful - You really are a good kid. ;)

    Hang in there - I'm sending you some strength. Hugs & Love - Star
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks Star. This morning sister M in PA posted a MSG to us telling us she will be there and grateful she is to us for taking care of everything, etc.

    I'm not a big religious person but I do believe in 'letting go' and and allowing the 'higher ups' handle things at times, haha. With all my anxiety over this situation, I felt I had no other choice but to let go. Once T and I did, things amazingly fell into place and continue to do so.

    Last night we bought mom a few new things and today we'll get her toiletries and pack up her stuff. M is doing the same and I guess will meet us there on Saturday. We're driving down tomorrow and staying at a hotel to avoid drama-plus M has 3 cats (I would die). Then on saturday we'll bring mom over.

    The drive home should be a blast-I'm bringing a box of tissues!

    I feel much better today about everything and can feel the strength needed to what needs to be done, the right way and without anger and resentment. I have to let that stuff with M go because in the end it doesn't really matter. What matters is how I use what I know NOW.

    Thanks again.
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    H&R, so glad sister gave you some sign that she is part of the family even if she didn't do such a good job in the beginning. Enjoy your mom, the ride with your sis and mom and look forward to some peace. Hugs.
  9. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Sending supportive hugs.

    Letting go of the past and the anger is so healthy. You need to do it for yourself and your mom and T. M will see what goes around comes around.
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Aye-I-Aye!! M sent a nasty, self righteous email at about midnight last night. I didn't know about it until I went to my sister T's to get mom for her blood test this morning. T was a mess. I read it and my blood boiled. By the time I came into work, I was shaking I was so angry. I wrote her an email back, categorically addressing each and every lie in her email. But I haven't sent it. I read it 8 million times and sent a copy to T. I am not going to send it because I am still so angry and hurt that she could be so full of venom towards us. We're supposed to be sisters, partners in my mom's care and it just reeks!

    So, I'm leaving work early today to go help T pack up mom's stuff and then home to pack up some photos to bring to the nursing home. I am not looking forward to seeing M, but it's necessary because after all, she lives right there!

    Oh man, I just received another email from M - this one asking for forgiveness for her mean and nasty email of last night. I know she was probably drunk when she wrote last night's email and now in the clarity of daylight (and being sober) she realized her mistake and is apologizing. She's like Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde.

    I gotta breathe and let this go or it will eat my alive.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of M's alcoholic bs. Remember that it is HER problem. YOU don't own that problem. Focus on your mom, let karma take care of M. If she sends many more emails you may want to block her for a while or ignore her emails. She does not have the right to inflict her venom and abuse on you, T or anyone else.

    Many hugs for you, T and your mom. And a hard kick in the tookus for M.