feeling a little off balance this morning

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by muttmeister, Nov 11, 2011.

  1. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    difficult child 2 informed me last night that his wife is thinking of taking the kids and going to Oklahoma to be close to her parents. They are thinking they'll make the move during Thanksgiving vacation. Son is talking about going to Montana with a friend to look for work.

    They got married way too young - he is 24 and she will be 24 next month. They have 3 kids, ages almost 7, 5, and 3. daughter in law is bipolar; son is borderline. They have had many problems over the 6 years they have been married. I really never expected they would stay married forever but things have been relatively quiet lately so maybe this is something they decided after serious thought instead of after a knock-down-drag-out, which would be good.

    On one level it would be good for them and me too. They have been way too dependent on me and I have helped them far more than I should have, especially financially. They both need to get out in the real world and be independent.

    However, I worry about the grandkids. She was raised as, you'll pardon the expression, white trash. She has learned a lot in the last few years and she is a good mother to her kids. I worry about her parents' influence and, having been a single mother myself, I know what she is taking on. The difference is, I was a teacher and had a half way decent income. She doesn't even have a high school diploma and any job she can get will not pay very well. The 7 year old is a gifted student and I worry about what will happen to her in the move. The 5 year old has language delays and needs lots of extra help with school. He has been staying with me on school nights and we have been working on homework every night. She won't have the time or the inclination to do that and the grandparents certainly won't.

    I'm trying to detach and realize, these are not my problems and they will have to work them out. But right now, I'm just wandering around, not able to focus on mych.

    Thanks for being my sounding board.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I really understand your fears. I am thinking that they won't last long out there and will be back. Sounds like you are the one holding them together...and that the other parents won't be able to meet their needs.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh mutt. I am sorry. I know that it may be best for the parents to separate but those kids are really going to suffer missing you. Plus there is the fact that they will be missing their daddy too. It just bites. Can you beg her to have them keep up with you through Skype? Maybe you will have better luck than I did. If she doesnt have a computer, there are extremely cheap laptops out there with webcams for under 200 bucks used...heck even new. She could take it and the kids to McDonalds and get online to see you free.

    I know how hard it is to miss the kids and wonder how they are doing. So sorry. It just about breaks my heart into little pieces on a daily basis.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OH so sorry. You have such valid concerns for them all and I imagine how much it will hurt to not see them as much. I hope you can find ways to keep connected. Technology today is great. But, I have to say, I have a box of letters from my grandma (when I was in 3rd grade, she moved with grandpa and my aunt who was more like a sister since she was only 4 years older than me) that now that she has passed, I especially treasure. We were very close as she took care of me, much like your grands.... mom was not difficult child but was ill for a while. They still will really need you and will treasure your input, from my perspective and remembering it all these years, I can promise this is true.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope they are making a rational decision and not just an emotional one. The gifted boy might get some great help here, but it depends on where in OK they move too. If you know the area, pm it to me and I will tell you what i know of the area. We looked hard at the school districts around Tulsa a couple of years back, and my dad taught in OK City for decades, plus husband's dad and stepmom were both educators in that area, so I know a lot about those school districts also.

    But jobs for those with minimal education are NOT plentiful around here. State kids insurance is excellent for healthcare here though. We have found a LOT of docs take it that didn't take any of the private ins co's we could choose from. Jess is getting FAR better care with the state ins than we had access to with private ins, strange as that is.

    Not sure about jobs in Montana either. But I can give some info about OK if you want it. Just pm me and let me know the area and your questions.

    This has to be very hard for you. Whatever happens, I hope you can stay in touch via skype, facebook, email, letters, etc.... and have lots of visits. Consider recording letters on cds or even with an old cassette recorder if that is what they have a player for. We have some cassettes with "letters" from my grandpa and grandma and we all treasure them. My dad put them on cd a few years ago, and it is so awesome to hear their voices.

    As young as your grandkids are, consider reading some books onto videos for them. My parents did this for Wiz when we moved, and for the other kids when they came along. It was a way to feel very close to them, and we treasure those videos. My dad also read stories onto tapes for them (cds now). He has an amazing voice for it, very soothing and relaxing - so much so that the kids had to use headphones to listen to them in the car because he made husband and I relaxed and sleepy, lol! These were amazing to help the kids get to sleep and also to help when Wiz had a rage. Even if your voice isn't like his, the stories read onto cd will be precious and treasured by your grands. My dad read the old Uncle Wiggily stories and the kids love them even now. But you could read fairy tales, Disney stories, anything.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It's so hard when grandkids are involved. You can't just look at the adults and say......well, I'm not jumping for joy but it's your life......because you still, whether you should or not, consider the ramifications on the grandchildren. And the hardest part about that, is that there isn't anything you can really do about it.

    Does sound like they thought it out though. Is there work out there?

  7. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    Haven't talked to them today. daughter in law says there is a casino near her parents and her family is fairly sure she can get a job there. Don't know doing exactly what or what it pays. difficult child wants to go to Montana; he has a friend who is going too - friend's family lives there and they seem to think they can get jobs there.

    they are both so flighty that this could all change but it sounded last night like they'd pretty well made up their minds.