Feeling a little sad tonight

[muttmeister]

Just got home from taking difficult child 1's fiance to shop for a wedding dress. That all went well; we found a really pretty one that she likes for a good price so we bought it.

While I was there they asked me to come stay with them for a couple of weeks the end of March to help out as she is getting her tubes tied and will not be able to do a lot of stuff. She has two girls from her first marriage (ages 9 and 4) and difficult child says he does not want kids. Also she had trouble having the first ones and has lost a couple since. Financially, metally, conveniently, they probably don't need any more kids.

However, she just found out when she was at the doctor that she had been pregnant (for less than 4 weeks) and the fetus died. I can't help feeling that I've lost a grandchild and that now difficult child is losing any chance of ever having kids of his own. I tend to be pro-choice in most cases and in this case it was apparently God's choice that this child should not be. If somebody had posed this situation to me I would not have expected to be upset by it but somehow now I am. Even though it may be for the best; even though they seem fine with it; part of me is sad tonight.

I'm sorry for rambling on but you guys are really the only people I have to talk to about things like this. Thanks for listening.

 

[crazymama30]

Oh hun, that is very sad. I teared up myself. I believe that things happen for a reason, however that does not make it any easier to accept or deal with them. Allow yourself to mourn, maybe make a little grave marker somewhere private? Do something to work through the grief and allow yourself to grieve. Gentle hugs.

 

[witzend]

I know I would feel sad in the same situation. I don't blame you at all. I'm sorry for everyone's loss in this. It's a definite passage and a passing.

On more practical lines, I would like to share my experiences with men who didn't want any or more children. When I was 18 I was dating a much older man. (GAWD what was I thinking?) He told me he just never wanted any children. Because of my clotting issues birth control was always an issue for me. I told him if he didn't want kids he should be proactive about it. He got a vasectomy. It was relatively inexpensive at the local teaching hospital, and he was happy that he would never have to worry about it again.

Later in life, after several miscarriages and life threatening blood loss due to the clotting, husband and I decided that 2 was enough and it would be easier for him to have the vasectomy than me to get my tubes tied. Insurance covered it, I think it was a $15 co-pay. He did it on a Friday and was back to work on Monday. There was an icepack, and a days worth of vicodin.

M told us many times as a younger man that he never wanted kids. I think that people that don't want children shouldn't have them. I hope that if that is so for him - and I tend to believe him - that he will do something to keep himself from having unwanted children.

Tubal ligation is invasive, and there are very real dangers that come with it and the anesthesia. A vasectomy is uncomfortable and done with a local anesthetic. Is there any reason for your difficult child to not get a vasectomy? It might be good for him to follow through with the action that comes from the decision.

 

[Marguerite]

I agree that perhaps it should be difficult child that has the vasectomy. If he can't do it, maybe he's not so anti-being a father as he says he is.

But she sounds like she has sound medical reasons too, to have her tubes tied.

I had my tubes tied after difficult child 3, because I was simply not well enough for too many reasons. The doctor had to go in to do a D & C anyway, so i got him to tie my tubes at the same time.

How is your prospective daughter in law feeling about the miscarriage? Even if she planned to get her tubes tied, doesn't mean she won't also be grieving. Let her know how you are feeling, perhaps. You can still accept her choices, but let her know that even though you accept her choices and her reasons, knowing she just lost a baby still makes you feel sad for the loss. If she's hurting a little too, it could help her know she is not alone.

How does difficult child feel about it? They really should be able to talk to one another about these sort of feelings.

Marg

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Sorry you are feeling such loss - it is understandable.

I'm on the side of difficult child getting the vasectomy since it is much less invasive.

Sharon

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Mutt}}} I'm sorry for your family's loss. It's completely understandable that you should feel this way about this baby and the potential for other grandchildren.

 

[muttmeister]

Thanks, guys.

There are a couple of reasons she's the one getting the surgery. First of all, it's medical. She's had problems and the doctor recommended it. The other reason is financial. Medicaid will pay for her procedure. difficult child has no insurance and is not covered by medicaid and with bills and 2 kids already, there is no way he could pay for a vasectomy. I usually buy his medication each month because that isn't even in their budget. His fiance will get a job as soon as the younger girl gets in school full time but at this point money is scarce. They are budget conscious and do pretty well most of the time but there is no way to come up with money for a big medical bill.

difficult child has said all along that he doesn't want more kids. He does well with the two girls and I think he feels his family is complete. I was in the car for 4 hours with his fiance yesterday and we did talk. Of course she feels sad about losing the baby but I think she is reconciled to the fact that she is physically unable to have more kids and she feels thankful for her girls. And in some ways she thinks that they cannot afford another child and it definitely wasn't in their plans.. I don't mean to say they "didn't want" another baby but I think most of you know what I mean. I'm sure it is a combination of sadness and relief coupled with guilt for feeling that way.
We will focus on the wedding (October 1st) as there is lots of planning to do and it will be good for all of us to have something pleasant to be looking forward to.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im so sorry Mutt. I can understand your feelings.

About the vasectomy situation. It isnt always a piece of cake. Jamie just did this and it was horrible for him. The local didnt take completely and he felt every bit of the procedure on one side. He is difficult to numb up and the doctor didnt understand that properly. He was in pain and out of commission much longer than I was with my tubal. It would have been much easier for Billie to have had it done when she was in surgery having her C-section if you ask me. I had my tubes tied the day after I had Cory and I was discharged the next day and was fine. I even went to Kmart that day to return some clothes I had bought.

 

[busywend]

Sorry Mutt - it is hard to accept no grands from difficult child 1. But, they have to do what they need to do.

I am sorry for your real loss, and the loss of the dream.

 

[klmno]

Geezz... I can understand feeling bothered and hurt by this. Not only did you find out that they won't be giving you bio-grands, you also found out that one had been conceived, then lost. That's quite a lot to dump on you at one time when you thought you were just spending the evening preparing for a wedding.

I guess I'm in the minority here on this one- I don't think your son should get a vasectomy unless he he chooses to because HE's that sure he'll never want kids. The one good thing about tubes ties or a vasectomy though is that either can be undone if they change their mind a few years down the road.