Feeling a little sad

Beta

Well-Known Member
Just got back from taking Josh to the airport for his flight to Phoenix. Fortunately, we had a good parting. I really didn't know if he would allow us to hug him or how he would act, but he hugged us and told us he loved us. I let him know that we are here for him.

Feeling sad that he chose to move so far away. I wonder when and if we will see him again. Now we have two sons living across the country.

I know I need to detach a bit. 30 year old adults should be living on their own, not living with their parents. Just disappointed it didn't work out the way I hoped--with him living near us and near other family.

Just wanted to let you know.
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Just got back from taking Josh to the airport for his flight to Phoenix. Fortunately, we had a good parting. I really didn't know if he would allow us to hug him or how he would act, but he hugged us and told us he loved us. I let him know that we are here for him.

Feeling sad that he chose to move so far away. I wonder when and if we will see him again. Now we have two sons living across the country.

I know I need to detach a bit. 30 year old adults should be living on their own, not living with their parents. Just disappointed it didn't work out the way I hoped--with him living near us and near other family.

Just wanted to let you know.
Thank you for the update. So glad you got to hug each other and hear that he loved you. I wish your family could be closer together. It may happen in the future. For me good family is everything, we all need each other to get through this life journey. But wicked family is nothing but heartache. I hope things go smoothly in your move and you find your place in you new area and you are greeted with love and respect. Hopefully you can stay connected with your son through your computer or phone. I pray that your son grows up and decides to take care of himself. I have seen a turn around in many people when they hit 30. I feel your sadness and uneasy feelings about your son. *Huge hug to you.*
 

MissLulu

Active Member
Beta, I'm sad for you but glad it was a nice parting. I hope that this amicable goodbye brought you some small measure of comfort. Perhaps the space will give you all some time to heal. As you well know, you can't heal Josh, only he can do that. Maybe this time will be different. We don't know. There is always hope. Be kind to yourself this next little while.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Beta

What a bittersweet post. I hear strength in Josh, and strength in you, too. I hear connection. And I hear hope. That's not a bad way to start a new chapter in a story. Love.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
I feel your sadness and uneasy feelings about your son
Thank you NewStart. I do feel uneasy about him and even more so since last night he called to ask if we would loan him some money because he had found a car he wanted to buy, but it would take all of his savings, and wouldn't get another unemployment check for several days. This was exactly 24 hours after he left!

It was very upsetting that he was already resorting to past behavior; behavior which really brought back bad memories of the past two years and the abuse we received from him at times because we would not/could not loan him money for a car. It was like, "Oh no, here we go again...already." The second reason it was really upsetting and aggravating was because he is currently receiving $700 a week in unemployment. My husband and I do not earn that much per week, and to have him ask us for money when he is getting this, and right when we are in the midst of trying to buy a house and move, something that requires a huge outlay of money, and we're wondering how we're going to make it financially, was really upsetting to me and my husband. I told my husband that I wish we had sat him down before he left and told him that he was not to ever ask us for money again and put us in the position of having to say no to him. When we hung up from him, he didn't act mad just bummed, but it made me very nervous that the namecalling and verbal abuse will start up again sometime. That, I cannot ever handle again, and I wish we had sat him down and warned him about that.

We just didn't think that, with his savings that he has accumulated the last three months, that he would be asking for money. I'm also nervous because he has not made wise decisions about cars previously. He tends to buy "luxury" cars that look good but aren't necessarily good for gas mileage and accumulated mileage, etc. He cares more about whether it looks good and has the fancy "bells and whistles."

Right now, I don't want to talk to him; in fact, I want to avoid him in order to avoid any more requests. I'm going to ask my husband to not answer the phone if he calls but just allow it to go to voicemail and see what it is he wants. If it's money, I think the best response is no response-- just silence. That should get the message across.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
Beta, I'm sad for you but glad it was a nice parting. I hope that this amicable goodbye brought you some small measure of comfort.
It did give me some comfort; I could imagine him rejecting any overtures from us and that would have been hurtful.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
What a bittersweet post. I hear strength in Josh, and strength in you, too. I hear connection. And I hear hope. That's not a bad way to start a new chapter in a story. Love.
Copa, I hope there's a connection on his part toward us but I really don't know. I do know that someone who loves his parents would not dream of asking them for money when he knows they're in the midst of a financial strains, or at least that's my opinion. He is just so narcissistic that other people's struggles don't seem to exist for him.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I do know that someone who loves his parents would not dream of asking them for money when he knows they're in the midst of a financial strains, or at least that's my opinion.
Look Beta. Don't go down this road. Why occupy space in Josh's brain? It's not a pretty place to be right now.

This is all you say, preferably by text. You state your truth. Our finances don't permit a loan.

Set the boundary, and move on. Josh, right now is Josh. Just like my son is his own J. I go down the same street you do, and I feel the same as you and think the same thoughts. Why? Why go there?

Everything is coming up roses in your life right now. Josh will create his new beginning. He backslides like everybody else does. Let him. But you don't have to.
 
Last edited:

Beta

Well-Known Member
Don't go down this road. Why occupy space in Josh's brain? It's not a pretty place to be right now. Don't let it fester there.
LOL! I had to laugh with your choice of words :) You're right though; I do tend to get into other people's brains and create these expectations for how they "should" feel.

I told my husband last night that if Josh called not to answer the phone but just let go to voicemail as he had gotten a text from him yesterday about borrowing money. So my husband texted him and told him unequivocally we would not be able to loan him money and gave him three reasons why. Fortunately, Josh responded with, "It's okay. Thank you for helping me." Whew! It was unexpected but definitely a relief.
 

SeekingStrength

Well-Known Member
Hi Beta,

It is a wonderful thing that Josh can choose to be so polite and gracious and does so on occasion. (Our 39 yo Difficult Child hasn't texted anything that nice in close to 20 years.)

Enjoy your evening. : )

SS
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
Whoa...website has a new look! I like it.

It is a wonderful thing that Josh can choose to be so polite and gracious and does so on occasion. (Our 39 yo Difficult Child hasn't texted anything that nice in close to 20 years.)
He can when it suits his purposes or he is a more expansive mood state. If you ever read any of my previous posts from the past two years, you would be shocked (or maybe you wouldn't?) to see the things he has called us and said to us. I hope to never experience that from him again; I can't go through it again.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
the things he has called us and said to us. I hope to never experience that from him again; I can't go through it again.
Dear Beta

There is one thing and only one thing I have learned and come to accept about this parenting thing which is: I can limit my suffering, with respect to my son; my own choices determine the extent to which I feel abuse, stress, pain, loss, and agony. If you can't go through this again, you need to stop it, by doing whatever needs to be done. That includes us taking responsibility for our own psyches and our own circumstances. That I have let my son run riot through my psyche, my life, my property, and my finances was a choice, I did not have to make.

I am sad and worried that he is not taking his antivirals and not seeking medical treatment. I have been on the verge of texting him, to beg or threaten or manipulate in some way as to motivate, cajole or try to force him to do the right thing. I realize that I am trying to deal with something that is in my head, my worry and fear, by trying to get control over him. This is always a disaster. My head is separate from his body. That is the essential thing for me to accept.

These are men who are living out their own lives. They are separate from us, and responsible for their behavior, whether it injures us or them. And the reverse is true too. I am responsible for myself. Not my son. I mean this in both senses. I am not responsible for my son. And he is not responsible to me, and for me, for how I feel, or for the effect upon me of his actions and choices.. Not if he does not choose to be.
 
Last edited:

ChickPea

Well-Known Member
These are men who are living out their own lives. They are separate from us, and responsible for their behavior, whether it injures us or them. And the reverse is true too. I am responsible for myself. Not my son. I mean this in both senses. I am not responsible my son. And he is not responsible to me, and for me. Not if he does not choose to be.
Dang. That hit me. Great reminder. Not easy, but something to remind myself of.
 

AnotherMom58

New Member
Thank you for writing it so straightforwardly, Copa. When I stress over my son’s situation and the choices he’s making, that’s something I need to read.
Beta, I’m glad you had a peaceful time at the airport and that you didn’t get an aggressive response when you told him you couldn’t give him money. In the end, there’s nothing we can do but maintain our limits.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I know you didn't want him to leave, but it sounds like he has secured for himself a place to live. Since he was eligible for section 8 housing, that means he can get Medicaid and food stamps. I don't know how much he's eligible to get. He has a roof over his head, HVAC, food, and medical care.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Good evening Beta,
I am relieved that you had a nice goodbye with Josh. As far as detaching, I think it is good to do with love, for your mental wellness. Perhaps you could tell him that you are proud that he has taken a step to care for himself and that you are going to take sometime away to work on your health, happiness and allowing him to live in peace. Your husband already told him about the money, so a simple "my answer is a no" should be sufficient-no explanation needed.
I think detaching is the hardest part. We worry so much about what will happen if we are not there to guide them. What likely will happen is that they will make mistakes, learn from them and gain strength, ability, critical thinking skills and confidence. Addicts and people with mental health issues take longer to get out of the nest, but he has made the first step. Please take this time to focus on YOU and your husband. Finances, buying a new home and moving is enough to drive anyone crazy without worrying about Josh. He's young and has more time, energy and ability to take care of himself than you do.
Take a bubble bath, walk your home and say goodbye to memories you need to. A new home brings new opportunities to decorate, spend time alone with your husband and create some new experiences. I agree with you-let the phone go to voicemail. Josh's requests can wait a day or two. Perhaps end him a care package or a house warming gift.
I know you love Josh dearly and haven't given up hope. Just prepare in advance for your good will to not be received well. That's OK too, it doesn't take away from the kind gesture on your part.
Guys always need bathroom soap and hand towels.

Hope this helps! Love ya!
JMOM
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
JMom, thanks for your thoughts and feedback. At this point, he was able to work out the situation with the car and has actually purchased it. So, he has a vehicle for the first time in a year and a half; an efficiency apartment to live in; and he's bought a bed and some household supplies. For the moment, things are stable and I'm going to enjoy it while I can. And yes, you are absolutely right about moving and buying a house and the craziness it brings. We have moved in previous times and even done a couple of cross-country moves, but this one seems to be more overwhelming to me than in the past. Right now, I'm busy packing, trying to pare down stuff by selling it off at yard sales, working at my job, etc. We'll be loading up on the 27th and heading to our new home and a very different life.
We were hoping our youngest son would be able to fly out and help us but his employer is planning on opening back up again and resuming work so it doesn't look like we will get to see him as we hoped. Pretty disappointing. Well, I'll be in and out here over the next two weeks, checking in as I'm able to. Appreciate you all very much!
 
Top