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Feeling alone......need support
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 662171" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Good Morning, Plymouth Mom</p><p></p><p>It is hard to be brutally honest with the kids, but it is better for us and for them if the rules and consequences are crystal clear. It is hard for me to be clear, too. But when I just say it, then at least everything is out in the open and can be dealt with. Enabling is such an ugly place to be in our relationships with our troubled kids. </p><p></p><p>So, a kind of guide word for us is: I don't get to enable.</p><p></p><p>If the situation slips from the child doing well to the child asking for money, that is when we have to have the conversation with them about enabling, again. We have to be very clear about why we are not going to do it. (Because enabling turns our children into manipulative beggars. If the story gets bad enough, we will give them money. So, the story always gets bad enough. The only way to stop that wicked circle is to stop the money flow. No matter what, no money we have not agreed to ahead of time. No matter what.) We have to be clear about what we see, and we have to be clear about what the consequences are for the kids when we see our situations with them slipping into enabling.</p><p></p><p>When we begin enabling, it is because the kids are not doing what they convinced us they needed our help to do.</p><p></p><p>So we have to stop helping.</p><p></p><p>I don't think there is another way out of the circle.</p><p></p><p>We have to stop.</p><p></p><p>Enabling is as destructive of us and of our relationships to our kids, and of our kids' capacity for self respect, as anything we might consciously do to harm them. That is just the brutal truth of addiction.</p><p></p><p>COM names addiction a terminal illness.</p><p></p><p>We went through something similar with our child last time she was home. It was awkward but when we just spoke the words we knew we were thinking but felt like bad parents to say, the situation was clarified for all of us.</p><p></p><p>And our child stood up.</p><p></p><p>It helps us to see the benefit to the kids in taking responsibility for themselves. Addiction is a monstrous thing. While there is a place for empathy, and a place for compassion, there is no place for pity when we have chosen to help someone battling addiction. Unless they can respect themselves, they will not be able to beat the addiction.</p><p></p><p>They have to do it on their own in order to respect themselves. If they are blaming us or anyone else for their situations, they are not going to be strong enough to beat the addiction. </p><p></p><p>The most important thing I said when we were stepping out of the circle of enabling was: NO MONEY</p><p></p><p>The second thing was: NO YOU CANNOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT</p><p></p><p>The third thing was: NO YOU CANNOT MOVE HOME</p><p></p><p>We all come to this kind of strength in our own time, plymouthmom. There is no right or wrong way to do this. There is, for sure, no easy way to do this. </p><p></p><p>It helped me to acknowledge that we are in hard places when someone we love is battling, or has succumbed to, an addiction.</p><p></p><p>There is not one thing easy about it.</p><p></p><p>But I do know that as we learn here on the site from one another, we find a place to stand. We learn how to define ourselves and our situations. We learn the words to say.</p><p></p><p>You are here with us, now.</p><p></p><p>We have been where you are this morning, and we have come through it. We are learning to love our troubled kids where they are, and we are learning how to be tough when that is what they require.</p><p></p><p>We are learning not to judge them or ourselves for what has happened to all of us.</p><p></p><p>Then, we are learning how to love ourselves again, in spite of what has happened to our families.</p><p></p><p>It takes a long time, to do all those things.</p><p></p><p>But we are doing it plymouthmom, and you will be able to do it, too.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this happened to your family, and to mine.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 662171, member: 17461"] Good Morning, Plymouth Mom It is hard to be brutally honest with the kids, but it is better for us and for them if the rules and consequences are crystal clear. It is hard for me to be clear, too. But when I just say it, then at least everything is out in the open and can be dealt with. Enabling is such an ugly place to be in our relationships with our troubled kids. So, a kind of guide word for us is: I don't get to enable. If the situation slips from the child doing well to the child asking for money, that is when we have to have the conversation with them about enabling, again. We have to be very clear about why we are not going to do it. (Because enabling turns our children into manipulative beggars. If the story gets bad enough, we will give them money. So, the story always gets bad enough. The only way to stop that wicked circle is to stop the money flow. No matter what, no money we have not agreed to ahead of time. No matter what.) We have to be clear about what we see, and we have to be clear about what the consequences are for the kids when we see our situations with them slipping into enabling. When we begin enabling, it is because the kids are not doing what they convinced us they needed our help to do. So we have to stop helping. I don't think there is another way out of the circle. We have to stop. Enabling is as destructive of us and of our relationships to our kids, and of our kids' capacity for self respect, as anything we might consciously do to harm them. That is just the brutal truth of addiction. COM names addiction a terminal illness. We went through something similar with our child last time she was home. It was awkward but when we just spoke the words we knew we were thinking but felt like bad parents to say, the situation was clarified for all of us. And our child stood up. It helps us to see the benefit to the kids in taking responsibility for themselves. Addiction is a monstrous thing. While there is a place for empathy, and a place for compassion, there is no place for pity when we have chosen to help someone battling addiction. Unless they can respect themselves, they will not be able to beat the addiction. They have to do it on their own in order to respect themselves. If they are blaming us or anyone else for their situations, they are not going to be strong enough to beat the addiction. The most important thing I said when we were stepping out of the circle of enabling was: NO MONEY The second thing was: NO YOU CANNOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT The third thing was: NO YOU CANNOT MOVE HOME We all come to this kind of strength in our own time, plymouthmom. There is no right or wrong way to do this. There is, for sure, no easy way to do this. It helped me to acknowledge that we are in hard places when someone we love is battling, or has succumbed to, an addiction. There is not one thing easy about it. But I do know that as we learn here on the site from one another, we find a place to stand. We learn how to define ourselves and our situations. We learn the words to say. You are here with us, now. We have been where you are this morning, and we have come through it. We are learning to love our troubled kids where they are, and we are learning how to be tough when that is what they require. We are learning not to judge them or ourselves for what has happened to all of us. Then, we are learning how to love ourselves again, in spite of what has happened to our families. It takes a long time, to do all those things. But we are doing it plymouthmom, and you will be able to do it, too. I am sorry this happened to your family, and to mine. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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