feeling anxious

[standswithcourage]

You are right. The little man from the ministry called me back today. What I got from his conversation was that if and when we felt it necessary to take him to rehab it would have to go through the PO also he said he was going to email the PO again - he thinks that my difficult child has matured some in jail and that the longer he is in there the more he will come around - why dont they just leave it alone - I guess I never should have talked to the man - he is a Christian and I guess I felt guilty for not trying to get my son in a better place - but somehow I find the peace of him being where he is better - I do let my emotions rule my head - how do you show love without emotion?
That is what I have to learn. I have lived my life like that. My emotions help me show love. I do need to not answer the phone. When he calls it just sends me like what do you want from me now. It is so much easier for me when I dont have an option of getting him out. Really I dont have the option because I dont have $500. and any other time that this has happened it was a total nightmare. Why should I think it would be any different? When do you know they are different and ready for help when they are behind bars? How could I know he really meant what he said? That is what drives me crazy! :rolleyes:

 

[Scent of Cedar II]

When this was happening to us, I told my husband that what I needed to hear was that he was sorry I was in pain. And I did need to hear that.

And he needed to hear that from me, too.

Allowing vulnerability where there might have been angry silence helps our marriages to survive, I think.


****************


Getting to that place where we know we love our kids but have developed both the strength and the integrity not to enable is a long, hard journey filled with all kinds of pitfalls. You have come so far, so quickly Stands.

You will get there.

*************

GG?

That was beautifully written. :smile:

Barbara

 

[Suz]

how do you show love without emotion?

To me, emotions don't demonstrate love....action does. Or NON-action.

Emotions are easy to fake. We watch our kids fake emotion all the time with their crocodile tears.

Or they tell us they love us and then turn around and do hateful things.

And emotions are misleading...when WE are highly charged they can lead US in the wrong direction, too.

By the time your child is 24, to me, you show your love by allowing your child the blessing of learning lessons, sometimes the hard way. You show your love by stepping back and letting your child go through the entire experience of his/her consequences. It is only through this kind of adversity that most of us learn.

When do you know they are different and ready for help when they are behind bars? How could I know he really meant what he said?

You will know when he is ready for help when he is ready to HELP HIMSELF.

You will know when he is ready for help and really means it when HE makes the calls to the lawyers or rehab or psychiatrist or AA group. Or when HE goes to meetings without anyone even suggesting it.

You will know he means it when he won't be diverted from his goal of making a better life for himself...when he stops hanging around bad influences, when he stops making bad choices, when he stops blaming others for his problems, and when he starts working towards positive goals.

Suz

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks. This keeps me on the right track. He called again tonight when Iwas helping my daughter get her car started and waiting for her husband to show up with the jumper cables. I really cut him off short. I told him I loved him and what I was doing and I had to go - he asked me if I had talked to his PO and I said no it was his responsiblity. whatever. When I talk to my daughter now even though she is married - I still give her room to be herself and go through the pitfalls of being married and living her life and try not to interfere. I have to let her do her thing even though she might fall along the way - I need to do that for my 24 year old also.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I gotta tell you something, Susan. I think that your wanting him out of jail is more for you than for him.

Bailing him out is not an act of love. LETTING HIM FIGURE IT OUT FOR HIMSELF SO THAT MAYBE HE WILL NEVER GO BACK...that is an act of love.

Love without emotion? Humans are the only animals unfortunate enough to let emotions get in the way of love. Ever see 2 doggies snuggle? 2 cats? Dolphins? Heck, geese and seahorses mate for life! Never an emotion. Just love.

When you can do LOVE without EMOTION then you have DETACHED.

 

[standswithcourage]

That is good BBK. I feel bad for him in jail although I know he needs help I feel like he is saying ok I have had enough of this get me out and I will do right. I cant believe him though - it is not that easy - when he talks to me he makes it seem like why dont you get me out - that is when I feel like I am not helping him to better himself by leaving him in that &^%^%&* hole - but I dont have the money to get him out and it would probably not be a good thing anyway. I just wish I didnt even know about doing that - it would be better if I had not gotten involved but if I thought I could help him get better I would. I need to detach from the belief that I can get help for him. I told him that if his PO could get him out and transport him to a rehab so be it! I have been there done that before - the last time he served time in the state correctional facility beacause he didnt complete the rehab we took him to in GA! : :hammer:

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

He needs help.

ONLY HE CAN GET IT.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

Yes, jail is a he// hole. But he did something wrong, and he needs to be there.

Stop answering the phone.

You cannot help him.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE IS HELPLESS. He can help himself.

Stand back and let him do it.

Any interference from you would be counterproductive.

Want help detaching? Read jbrain's thread. She detached. She can say to her daughter, "I love you so much that I am going to stand back and let you sink or swim on your own"

YOU have GOT to get to that point.

 

[standswithcourage]

OK! BBK you are awesome. Please keep telling me I need to detach. I really do. I am trying. I wish sometimes I just knew what God wanted me to do. I wish I knew his will for me. I know I need to be on my knees more. I have been there before - it comes to a point where there isnothing you can do but surrender. Maybe I am there.

 

[witzend]

Doesn't it cost money for him to call you? Where is he getting money for that? Is he calling collect? Block the collect calls from the phone. Let him write you a letter. It will be much more soul searching for him, and you will have time to contemplate before you have to answer him.

I'm glad that the ministries man told you to let him be. That is what we have been saying all along, but it's better that you hear it from him. He knows your son and we don't.

 

[standswithcourage]

Well he must be borrowing a cell phone from one of the CO's while he is working. They are not collect calls and I dont think they cost him anything. He has been writing letters. The ministry man just said whenever we thought we wanted to get him out he had him a place. Also he said the longer he stays there the more mature he gets. Anyway, I just wonder if he is buying drugs from someone in the jail. He said he wasnt taking his prescribed medications anymore. They made his kidneys hurt. He wants his Xanax or something like that I am sure. I havent heard from him today. I will write him. I wonder if the PO could get him out and send him to rehab without us having anything to do with it? That way I wouldnt feel guilty about anything. I really dont feel guilty I just feel stressed when I have to think about making a decision which involves him getting out especially if he is not entirely ready. I have heard so many times - Yes I am ready that I could make a fortune if I printed all the times it was said. I called the ministry man today and left him a message. I didnt go visit my difficult child. Sometimes I feel like I should but I always did that - even by myself and I am sick of doing it. I have done it every time he was in jail for the last 6 years.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Holy cow, Susan.

if he is still getting drugs in jail, what does that tell you? That tells me that he is not ready.

Oh, and Xanax will not make his kidney better.

WALK AWAY FROM IT ALREADY, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

 

[witzend]

I havent heard from him today. I will write him. I wonder if the PO could get him out and send him to rehab without us having anything to do with it?

You talk to him every day? Seriously Susan. Stop it. Just one day, try not talking to anyone about it. Not him, not the ministry guy, not the lawyer, not the PO. It's clear where your son gets his addictive behavior. You are totally addicted to being totally involved in every little bit of his life.

You need to give it up and get your own life. If not for him - and he seriously needs you to leave him and everyone around him alone if you ever want him to recover - for yourself.

 

[flutterbee]

Susan, you will know he really wants help when he takes the necessary steps. When HE calls the PO and asks about rehab. When he wants to go to rehab to get help and not to escape jail. When he stops asking for addictive prescription medications like xanax AND stops putting the pressure on you to get them for him. He's treating you like his supplier in that regard. And when he is willing to accept the consequences of his actions.

Actions speak louder than words.

 

[Scent of Cedar II]

I told him that if his PO could get him out and transport him to a rehab so be it!

Well, I think that was pretty clear!

These must be hard conversations to have, Stands.

How awful that this is happening to any of us.

Barbara

 

[donna723]

Susan, I second (and third) everything everyone else has said! He will tell you anything you want to hear to persuade you to try to get him out! Many of these prison ministry volunteers are very experienced and knowledgeable. If this man feels that that he is growing and maturing from the jail experience, he probably is. At this point, the less interference from you, the better.

Now for the other ... is this a large municiple jail or a small county jail? Each has their own rules but some things are universal in them all. I have worked for the Dept. of Correction in a Close Security prison for more than 21 years and know a bit about some of this. Each has a "formulary" of drugs that are allowed to be used for the inmates. Xanax may or may not be allowed. But any drugs that have a "street value" are very closely regulated, given one by one, and they try to verify that it has been swallowed. Sometimes they are dissolved in water before they are given to them. But still, some are able to "cheek" them and resell them to other inmates. And they DON'T CARE that it's been in someone elses mouth (or worse!) before they get it! Xanax would bring quite a bit of money or commissary in a jail or prison. I'm not saying that this is what would happen, but it's a fact.

And on the phone calls ... cell phones are pretty much strictly forbidden in any jail or prison, for inmates and staff, if that's what he's using. Maybe the facility he's in is not as vigilant as we are about it, but I could be fired on the spot if I attempted to bring my cell phone in to the facility, even for my own use. And if I brought it in for an inmate to use, I not only would be fired, I'd probably be prosecuted! Since cell phones have gotten small enough to conceal in "body cavities", they are being smuggled in by inmates families and friends (and a few unscrupulous staff members looking for a fast buck). Cell phones have become the new hot item of contraband because they allow them to get around the phone call recording and monitoring system. They have been used by inmates to arrange drug deals or even to harass victims or family members. So if he's calling you on a cell phone, it's NOT OK and he's more than likely breaking a jail rule and will be in trouble if he gets caught.

All that being said, I DO know how you feel. I know how hard it is to detach ... when you've spent their whole life looking out for them, it's a very hard habit to break, but you simply have to. It's all up to him now. He's a grown man. Just remember to take what he tells you with a grain of salt. And I second what someone else said about getting some help for yourself to deal with the stress you are going through. When you yourself are stronger, it will be easier to deal with what you're contending with. Sending lots of (((hugs))).

 

[witzend]

I'd also like to suggest that you start a new thread with a topic other than "feeling anxious". It might help you to start a topic with a positive thought.

 

[DammitJanet]

I also find it amazing that he is still managing to call you without it costing someone something. Cory got a few calls out because someone in some office allowed him to use the office phone to call me a time or two to tell me that the minutes on my pre-paid account had run out or when he first went in to tell me that I needed to set up the pre-paid account because I only HAVE a cell phone but other than that...zip, nada, nothing!

I also would be completely surprised if you could take in any medications privately for him to take. I couldnt even take a book in for him to read.

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes - I didnt go visit himi today. Ithought about it but could not make myself do it. I talked to the ministry guy (he called) he said for me to let him take the responsibility. He would try and talk to the PO and see if he could get something worked out with him. He said my difficult child wasnt doing bad in there. I will listen. I will make a new post too.!