Feeling blah...

[tiredmommy]

I'm doing okay, but... I need to get this out. I'm a pretty upbeat person by nature so feeling down is pretty foreign for me.

I'm struggling for the last few days. I've been on weight watchers for nine weeks and I've been suffering from pretty severe gas and bloating for the last seven. It hurts. And I'm frustrated. I've had IBS my entire adult life and I don't want it to hurt anymore.

And my Pookie is getting sicker. She's down to seven pounds and had another seizure last week. She's had lymphoblastic leukemia for the last five years so I shouldn't be surprised by this... but I'm just not ready.

And I've dealing with "estate" stuff for my mother. I keep waiting to grieve but... nothing. That woman even denied me a normal grieving process. And besides, I hate dealing with social security, banks, NY State and insurance companies. Ugh!

And, to top it off, Duckie is growing up way too fast. She has her little multiage graduation in a few weeks. She goes to a new school next year and will be in 4th grade... already. She's standing at my shoulder now and is in the early stages of puberty.

Sorry... I just needed to vent. Sigh.

 

[ThreeShadows]

I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I wouldn't be surprised if some of this is due to the fact that you are indeed grieving your mother and do not realize it. You're sad that your little girl is growing up, your Pookie is dying and it feels like your bowels are out to get you. Please don't apologize for your feelings. Many gentle, non-squeezing hugs to you!

 

[TerryJ2]

Aw. Hugs for you and Duckie.

I'm sorry about Pookie. There IS NO good time. No matter what, it's hard, hard, hard.

I hear you on the estate stuff. I'm POA for my cousin and doing it all very slowly, having things shipped to my house, going through things with-her ... it's easier this way, in one sense, and harder, in another.

In reg to IBS, do you still drink milk, and eat cheese and ice cream? If so, I would take acidophilus b4 every single meal. Even if you don't eat milk products with-every meal, it is hidden in things and also, will then become a good habit. IBS has many causes and often, lactose intolerance is right up there. I have IBS, too, and since I started taking acidophilus 2 yrs ago, it has turned my life around.

With WW, you may be eating more vegetables, too, and that can cause gas. with-the diet, your body is changing and you need to figure out just what it is that has changed things. Do they make their own protein or carb bars? What is in them? Read the label closely.

Best of luck.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks 3S & Terry.

3S- I'm really not grieving, which makes me annoyed. There's not a lot of direction on how to handle a lack of grieving... it's kind of a void, I suppose. The only emotion I'm feeling is survivor guilt toward my brother. He's been grieving enough for the whole family. It makes me feel bad that he's so broken up about our mother while it's been barely a blip on my radar. The woman at the bank said "Sorry for your loss" today and I barely caught myself before saying "What loss?".

Terry, I've been faithfully taking Align for the last several months. I used to take in about 25 grams of fiber a day but now I'm up to 35+. I know that's the issue but I was really hoping my body would adjust; there's just no end in sight.

 

[crazymama30]

Hugs. I went through something similiar several months back. It was no fun. I hope you can work it out soon.

 

[DammitJanet]

LOL....TM...I actually had that happen to me when someone said something to me about the loss! If they had said they were sorry my mom had passed away, I would have seen it coming but it was just in casual conversation and I completely missed it. Lame me...what's loss?

 

[Wiped Out]

Hugs TM,
You have a lot to be dealing with right now. I'm sorry Pookie is not doing well. As for the grieving of your mom, it sounds like you probably did your grieving a long time ago while she was still alive. Don't be hard on yourself about it and I'm sorry you are having to deal with all the estate stuff.

Does your doctor have anything to offer for the IBS? I have no ideas but wish you weren't in so much pain.

Duckie is growing up fast and you have been such a terrific mom that it is understandable this is hard. You will continue to be a great mom and create wonderful memories (and in the teenage years you may think she is not growing up fast enough).

Gentle hugs.

 

[slsh]

TM - You really do have a lot on your plate right now. A lot of changes coming up as well. I think it's normal to feel not quite yourself.

Only advice I might offer is spend as much time as you can with- Pookie. I don't think we can ever be ready for our fur babies to leave us... I still miss Figaro like crazy, but I am thankful that in his last months I made an effort to spend extra time with- him and I know that he knew how much we loved him.

Savor these days with- Duckie. These kids do grow up horribly fast. I actually didn't recognize Diva yesterday when I picked her up from school... in my mind's eye, she's still a little girl and for some reason, that's who I was expecting. What I got instead was this beautiful tall young woman with absolutely glimmering hair, who looks far older than her 12 years (shudder), who came up and gave me a big hug. At least I'm still getting hugs, LOL.... but it's really disconcerting to see my "baby" not looking like my baby anymore. I swear it happened overnight.

Hang in there, hon. Hugs.

 

[busywend]

TM, sorry you are feeling down. I have no advice for the specfics, but you should know you are not alone. I have been there before.
My baby just turned 19 yesterday - holy cow how the heck did that happen???

 

[Fran]

TM, I understand the "nothing" that you feel. I think years of growing a callus around yourself to prevent anger, fear and especially disappointment worked. You will continue to do the dutiful daughter thing because you don't want to be the woman she was. You don't want to be so self absorbed that you ignore what everyone else needs. It has been your goal to be the best mother you can be and you see your baby moving forward and her need for you is different. It's all about beginnings and endings.

I found that as time went on, I could lift the callus a bit and appreciate my dad but I had 3 yrs of him in our home.i got there after he passed away. I did not ever have the level of grief one would expect to have when a parent dies. I did have some sadness and a lot of soul searching about what it means to be a good parent. I got to resolve a lot of my disappointment which was good.
I suspect it will be different with my mom because the level of emotional entanglement is different with mother's. She was a hard working, good woman but she didn't protect me because it was all about her emotions, needs and stuff and not about her kids. It was always about fluff and superficial and not about the real truth. She did the best she could with the ability she had. I will try to honor her the best I can with the emotions I feel.

Don't be tough on yourself. Duckie will need you in a different way. A successful parent has a child who doesn't need you but wants to spend time with you as an adult. Who has a life that is separate, healthy and good and doesn't need to have someone supervising constantly. I seldom read my boys facebook pages. I don't inquire about their activities except as a curiosity. I don't feel I need to police them anymore. It feels good and successful to me as a parent. Hopefully all those bonds will keep them in touch with us if not they have to walk their own path.

Feeling poorly makes everything seem awful. I hope you can get some better health soon. You are upbeat but everyone needs a time to sort of "stew" once in a while.

 

[hearts and roses]

Aw hugs, TM. I'm sorry for everything you're feeling right now. Some days I have to pinch myself, I can't believe I have two adult daughters - I totally understand your feelings about Duckie.

With WW I had to drink A LOT of extra water to avoid that bloated gassiness. Have you upped your water at all? Also, try to avoid eating the WW foods/meals, etc., as they are just chock full of chemicals. Better to eat your own fresh foods.

Sounds a little teeny tiny bit like you're very angry with your mom, which is in fact, part of the grieving process and could cause a person to feel 'down'. I'm sorry, gentle hugs.

 

[SRL]

Sorry you're struggling, TM. I know the blah feeling--not depressed, but not yourself, either. I consider it being off my feed.

You may want to consider that WW isn't the right approach for you. What's right nutritionally for one individual isn't always a good fit for another.

I totally understand about the lack of grieving. My dad was recently diagnosed with his 3rd type of cancer in a decade, and I don't feel the grief a daughter would be expected to feel. I've finally reached a healthy place in life for myself in regards to the mess of a childhood I had, and I expect after years of detachment I'll be staying here.

 

[tiredmommy]

CM- Thanks for the hugs.
Janet- I'm glad someone else sees the humor in it.
Sharon- There's nothing to do about the IBS than what I'm already doing, unfortunately. Patience is not my strong suit.
Sue- I've been keeping my Pookie with me as much as possible. She seems to be enjoying the extra attention.
Wendy- 19?!?!? That's just not possible!
Fran- Thank you... you really seem to understand where I'm at.
H&R- I drink a TON of water everyday or I become horribly constipated.
SRL- It's a weird feeling, isn't it? The emotional distance is huge.

I'm feeling a little better today. I suspect getting it off my chest helped. I know I'll feel a lot better after I hit the point of exhaustion and actually sleep through the night (The gas cramps wake me). Thanks again... I don't feel so all alone.

 

[Lothlorien]

I'm sending hugs.
Can you eat Oat Bran....the plain grain cereal? It's like eating cream of wheat.
Honestly, I suffered terribly with IBS in my twenties. I began an all natural diet with NO white breads, pastas etc (no processed foods, whatsoever). I ate oat bran every morning a and yogurt or took acidophilus (eat soy yogurt if your lactose intolerant). It cleared up fairly quickly. Only once in a while, when I'm lazy about what I put in my mouth, do I get bloated and icky.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending some more hugs. Hope today is a better day.

 

[gcvmom]

Coming in late to this, but I can understand. You're overwhelmed and there's a lot going on. A lot that's not so pleasant to be dealing with, too. I hope you feel better soon...

 

[Tiapet]

Another latecomer to this. I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today. As for Pookie, I have no answers on that. Time seemed to pass by so quickly with mine I think I blinked and they had grown, except for the little dude who will transition to middle school this coming year. Not looking forward to that.

On death, I lost my father back in Aug 2006 but I can advise because my situation is not like yours at all (my relationship with him).

As for IBS, I have that too and when they had Zelnorm on the market I did fine but since then I have had no alternatives to help. I am also slightly lactose intolerant (I can tolerate small amounts and only in certain foods - like I can't drink whole milk, I can drink skim and I can eat small amount of ice cream but cheese has to be restricted, etc..) I also found that taking fiber actually made things far worse when my doctor had told me I needed to start taking it. Now I survive on gas x to be honest. I've tried other products in the same category but they don't work as well and I absolutely can't take the ultra strength gas x either because they effect me. It's strange. So, I'm wondering if you've tried the gas x or something like that to help?