Feeling Blue

[buddy]

Q did well this morning before we got to the library. Even bought him bk breakfast as a reward. Then we come in and he starts with the demands, the wanting to do this or that etc. I can only say yes to some things and try to avoid an outright no but it is like he pushes until he says the thing he knows I will say no to then he has the privelege of jabbing, punching etc... and if I dont want a public scene he expects I will give in (though it does NOT happen which then increases things...but I am nto saying no to everything, it just seems like a pattern he is in.....has to push until he can let it out on me...so sick of it).

He was clearly shy about walking to her, I would have gone too but I was not going to be a punching bag on the way so I said bye and walked out of the library. I cleaned out the trash in the car and walked back in fifteen minutes later and now am here on a computer. Now I have to think about what I am going to do when he sees me when we leave. I am super low energy today with achey muscles so feel like I want to just elbow him back and let him walk next door to the police station and live there!

I got an email and I am supposed to tour the high school Monday.... ok but is it just a tour or are we going to see what is availble for Q...so I write to ask that. Honestly the next meeting is on Tuesday so that is the only thing that has been set up since the last meeting...so the meeting will be stupid. I told them what else I wanted to see and that I expected it to be set up for tomorrow or Monday.

Well if nothing else, it is clear homeschooling is NOT an option. (ok of course it is if there is no safe way to school him but it is a LAST option)

 

[DDD]

You've got every right to feel blue. Heck, you have to face each day hoping you won't be black and blue!

Absorbing the emotions of a difficult child on a daily basis and having to deal with your own is beyond feeling stress or feeling blue. It's like finding out you're in a Triathalon that requires different skills at each segment when you're not an athlete...and then being told "oops, there's a marathon tomorrow".

Find a way to get a break, my friend, so you can keep your balance and maybe even have a good laugh with people who are blessed not to be in the difficult child maze. You consistently are doing a great job but you need a break. Hugs DDD

 

[Cressida]

I don't have any kind of practical advice I'm afraid, but I wanted to say hi, and that I feel for you. Relentless bad behaviour can be so demotivating and exhausting. Take some time (if you can!) to do something lovely just for you - it won't fix the problem but it may recharge your batteries and provide you with a little more emotional energy. Cx

 

[totiredtofight]

Is there anyone who can watch Q for you to go have a coffee and a mani/pedi for some down time ?
I know it wont fix anything for Q... BUT ... it will recharge you .. sending hugs and my armour

 

[llamafarm]

Being hit all the time is so exhausting. Knowing the word no is going to come up at some point, no doubt sooner than later, puts me on edge, I know. I find myself stiffening each time my difficult child walks by just in case he has a no in his head that he is still dealing with. Waiting for the explosion and trying to walk around and respond to each giant event over even the littlest event can wear you down. I hear you. Go for that cup of coffee! Try! Call an old friend, a new friend, how about someone who knows nothing about your life and talk about something completely different... no difficult child, unless you want to.

It is amazing you are doing this all on your own. I can't imagine how exhausted and worn down you must feel. I am thinking of you.

 

[buddy]

I love you guys. He is on a library computer and I am on another. He did awesome with the teacher. Guess what she told me... they (the SSSteam (student support specialists) are having a book review and study on Ross Greene. SHE HATES THAT THE SUN PROGRAM IS IN THE EBD SCHOOL and she said when she saw I was reading lost in school that she immediately thought of that book when she was working with Q. She said if anyone does not have the skills to do better it is THIS CHILD. She said, she thinks it would be awful to put him in that school for the full day especially. I asked her about functional programs in other schools... she said yes if we can swing that she can see that would be great. She loves working with him. (he was laughing out loud when I was waiting outside of the room and came out so relaxed)

UGGGG

So, after their team book club/review they are giong to do a district thing on it. GEE by the time Quin graduates maybe they will have a clue... not in time for him though.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Buddy...
<zap> on that negative thought.

<ping> on the positive... THIS teacher is on your side. Q needs some extended time working with her - at least 6 weeks - so that SHE can document what he needs, what works, what doesn't, can help evaluate other programs, etc.

And I'm sure your pcp would back Q being "off sick" for at least that long... right?

 

[buddy]

Buddy...
<zap> on that negative thought.

<ping> on the positive... THIS teacher is on your side. Q needs some extended time working with her - at least 6 weeks - so that SHE can document what he needs, what works, what doesn't, can help evaluate other programs, etc.

And I'm sure your pcp would back Q being "off sick" for at least that long... right?

I'm thinking like that too...but 1.5 hours a day, I am going nuts................. Well we know we have at least three weeks that will go on so???

 

[InsaneCdn]

Well... in the short run, maybe.
But who says you're stuck with 1.5 hours a day?
If he can improve, including his endurance etc., maybe it can slowly be ramped up "in prep for a return to school" (i.e. somewhere, not "back there").... so, after a couple of weeks, move to 2 hours, working up to half a day...
Hmmm.....

 

[buddy]

Well... in the short run, maybe.
But who says you're stuck with 1.5 hours a day?
If he can improve, including his endurance etc., maybe it can slowly be ramped up "in prep for a return to school" (i.e. somewhere, not "back there").... so, after a couple of weeks, move to 2 hours, working up to half a day...
Hmmm.....

Maybe, I dont know her schedule, they are all itinerant teachers...they go and consult at all of our schools so as long as she does not have a case load of kids already....maybe. I will throw out all ideas for sure and I wont accept all day at this school unless it is clear once we try that Q would prefer it once we start. But I will fight for it not to be that because I am sure once he his placed we will be stuck there for a while.

 

[DaisyFace]

Buddy--

I'm so sorry you are having a "blue" day...

Sending (((hugs))) and support!

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

You've got every right to feel blue. Heck, you have to face each day hoping you won't be black and blue!

Absorbing the emotions of a difficult child on a daily basis and having to deal with your own is beyond feeling stress or feeling blue. It's like finding out you're in a Triathalon that requires different skills at each segment when you're not an athlete...and then being told "oops, there's a marathon tomorrow".

Find a way to get a break, my friend, so you can keep your balance and maybe even have a good laugh with people who are blessed not to be in the difficult child maze. You consistently are doing a great job but you need a break. Hugs DDD

DDD said what I would have said only so much better then I could have said it. You need to take care of you!! Hugs... SFR

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Maybe, I dont know her schedule, they are all itinerant teachers...they go and consult at all of our schools so as long as she does not have a case load of kids already....maybe. I will throw out all ideas for sure and I wont accept all day at this school unless it is clear once we try that Q would prefer it once we start. But I will fight for it not to be that because I am sure once he his placed we will be stuck there for a while.

I don't have time to really respond now, but I agree with what you're saying. If Q is placed in that school for a full day, I think it'll be extremely difficult to get him out of it. If they want him there, they'll try to show how he's making progress, etc., etc., etc., and believe me, even if it isn't true, it's going to be hard for you to prove otherwise. Hoping that this wouldn't be the case but from personal experience I can see this easily happening. SFR

 

[Malika]

Buddy, frankly... there must be something very right with you, or with your inner core or your upbringing, or something because really you are handling a most stressful situation of regularly being treated badly or abusively by a son whom you love and who loves you without taking it personally and while continuing to give him the highest level of care and attention. This is really something quite extraordinary in my book and you deserve to give yourself a big break, literally and figuratively. I know that in your shoes I would be getting upset and angry on a regular basis, to absolutely no good purpose at all... You are quite entiteld to feel blue and then to feel optimistic again because you have got this far and you will go on getting this far.

 

[Ktllc]

I am thinking about you Buddy. A break would be nice. What can you in 1.5 hour that would be very relaxing? Can you book a massage near the library? Can you feed the ducks in a nearby park? Enjoy a cup of ____ at a coffee house? Maybe, make a habit of it: twice a week no matter what. Something to look forward to when you feel you can't go anymore.
And don't ever forget: you are doing an extraordinary job with Q.

 

[TeDo]

<Like> <Like> <Like>

Ditto Malika!!!!!!!

 

[Marguerite]

Maybe between the two of us, we can sort out each other's problems.

difficult child 3 no longer hits me as a rule, but he does at times get very abusive and just yesterday was slamming his fist hard into my car seat.

How I handle it - anyone looking on tends to disapprove because they feel I should be very strict, very firm with this. But I know what does not work. However, I draw the line at physical attack and also will take a stand against verbal abuse. Calmly. It takes a huge effort sometimes.

Yesterday I nearly stopped the car mid-traffic. I had stopped the car the day before, in the middle of the bush, and threatened to make him walk home (it would have taken him hours, we were miles from anywhere). I often say (like a broken record), "I am not shouting at you; please do not shout at me."
I've also said (last couple of days especially), "You are now old enough to be charged as an adult, with assault and threatening behaviour. If you do this to me, you are also risking doing it to someone who is far less tolerant. Verbal abuse is not acceptable. Slamming your fist into my seat; slamming the car door; hitting other things nearby - it all qualifies as threatening behaviour and that is against the law. You must learn self-control."

That said - the trigger is anxiety in difficult child 3's case. He is behind in his schoolwork but it is my job to keep pushing him to get his work done. However, when I remind him, however gently, I am part of the problem in ramping up his anxiety. Avoidance rewards him by reducing his anxiety, but here am I, stopping him from using avoidance to reduce his anxiety about the work he has to do. So I become the enemy.

All I've been able to do, is refuse to accept what he says. When difficult child 3 has said, "You never have anything good to say about me! You do not support me!" I call him on it. If necessary I write diary entries of when I have praised him, when I have encouraged him (unconditionally) and when I have rewarded him. Sometimes it takes a diary entry to prove your point. If necessary, get the child to make the diary entry.

Buddy, you need to keep your energy up but you also need to avoid being a doormat. It's a fine line, because onlookers will interpret your quiet responses as being a doormat. But calmly saying, "Thata is unacceptable. If you are upset, there are more appropriate ways of expressing it. Why don't you sit calmly, think about your concerns then try to tell me exactly what is bothering you?"

If nothing else, kids who are cranky and trying to push buttons just to make our mood match theirs, need to be alerted to what they are doing so they can become more self-aware. Our kids can become more self-aware, with help, than the average person, simply because we are aware ourselves (where we can think about what their triggers are) and help them.

Example - yesterday difficult child 3 was stressing at the doctor's because he needed to concentrate, and a kid (6 yo boy) was revving a toy car back and forth, over and over. difficult child 3 began to get more stressed, holding his head. The little boy's mother tried to make her son stop, but I recognised the signs of stimming, even before she said apologetically, "He's autistic."
I replied, "So is he," pointing to difficult child 3. "He does understand."
difficult child 3 then said, "Don't make him stop. It's okay. I understand he needs to do this. I'll be alright."
difficult child 3 was suffering, but understood the need for compromise and adapted. I praised him for it.

Of course, the outburst was later... these things happen!

Marg