Feeling Brittle

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tiredmommy, Mar 28, 2010.

  1. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Duckie raged again today and I'm spent. husband said I handled it well (and he backed me up) but I still feel hollowed out. The amount of her anger can be stunning.
  2. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Sending you gentle hugs.
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    gently hugs. I am glad husband backed you up. The venom is purely exhausting.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm sorry.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. It's so draining, isn't it? Many gentle hugs.
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm so sorry. It stinks.

  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    TM I hate this level of anger (rage) in our children. It can exhaust one & take you to your knees. So glad husband was there to back you up; next time tag off to him. :)
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thanks everyone. It is venom and it all gets directed at me, husband can use the exact words, tones and mannerisms. But it's directed at ME. She makes me feel attacked and abused when she does this.

    Then (& this is maybe the worst part), she acts likes it's nothing at all. I've been called names & wished dead but she thinks I should be all smiles because she's done letting loose. She has no idea how hateful she is when she rages and I am shocked by the depths of her anger.
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    This is exactly how my daughter is, too. It's so hurtful.

    Our therapist tried to get her to see how angry outbursts like that made others feel....but difficult child was very indignant. difficult child felt that others should just know that when she was angry, that's how she is going to act. difficult child sees absolutely no need to apologize, and we should all just be OK with it. And there seems to be no getting through to her...

    So sorry you are feeling brittle. Try and do something nice for you today...
  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thanks DF.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry; I know all too well how this feels and it's the same way around here. husband can say the exact same thing but I get the abuse and then expects me not to be upset . Many hugs to you.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh yeah - that is the hardest part. When you are still so raw and she is acting like nothing happened. You really do not even want to be in the same room with her and she is trying her best to be sweet to you. I have so been there done that!

    Sorry, TM! I hope tomorrow is a better day!
  13. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thanks Sharon & Wendy. It helps to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way. :(
  14. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I finally told her to stop acting all sickly sweet with me this evening. The price of going off on someone is that she has to expect them to be hurt and/or angry with her for awhile. I also told her that most people don't turn on or off feelings like a light switch... it's going to take some time.

    On a positive note, she's tickled that she was asked to participate in an open house for the school's multiage program on Wednesday. She's one of six students to be invited.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. Especially about being brittlel, and she's over it and ready to play.
    Glad she was asked to participate in the open house.
    You're seeing your own therapist, right? We all need to learn detachment techniques. It is so hard.
  16. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Brittle and hallow is a wonderful description, a horrible feeling but a an honest description. One I think most of us have felt so many times.

    It is so hard to hide it though. K doesn't do the, "It is all over so you should all be fine now!" LOL
    She tends to let it hit her hard when she has a huge rage.

    I am sorry, sometimes you want to show them a video of how they were acting... hmmmm?
  17. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    I know that brittle feeling well.

    Many of our kids are seriously lacking empathy. It's really hard, but we have to let all of their stuff remain their stuff and not take it to heart. therapist once said, "Just because he says you're a terrible mom, etc., etc., doesn't mean you have to believe it."

    Even so, it's exhausting....
  18. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    TM, your description is so very apt. I think in some ways our difficult children never reached the developmental stage where they realize they are separate beings, apart from us. They blow up, and say hateful things then feel better. Because they feel better, we should too. There's no differentiation between their feelings and ours, so they don't understand why we don't react well to their nicey nice behaviour after the blow-up.

    Sending many gentle hugs your way,
  19. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    been there done that, and can emphatize.

    TM, have you considered involving someone else, such as a therapist for Duckie. I know with her medication reactions that's not really a route you want to go, but maybe a therapist would help so you wouldn't be shouldering the whole burden.
  20. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thanks everyone.

    The problem with a therapist for Duckie is that, frankly, her outbursts are too episodic to make therapy very useful to the therapist or Duckie. We'll have a string of a couple of exceptionally bad days and then we tend to go weeks before there are any other major issues. I have, however, had her do check-ins with our deacon in the past. Just talking to someone and she seems to enjoy that. Our deacon is leaving to another parish soon so I may approach our associate priest. She's a retired school psychologist and seems to get Duckie.

    I know this episode really bothered me a lot because I was just finally getting back on my feet (both figuratively & literally) after having my back out on and off for several weeks. I'd been dealing with quite a bit of physical pain and I was blindsided by the attack, if you Know what I mean?. I'm usually better prepared.