Feeling depressed

[Helpless29]

Feeling very depressed, going to try to talk to my husband again about letting my son come back to live with us. I know it’s probably going to lead to a argument but I gotta keep trying. He dosent know how depressed I been feeling, I smile , laugh , take the kids out but does he really foolish enough to think I’m just ok , just like that . Just sad that’s all I could say.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Helpless

Have you thought about going to Al Anon and/or getting a therapist? You would get so much help in Al Anon. The other people have been in your shoes, and can help you walk though this. Maybe your husband would go to therapy with you. You may need support to communicate, to hear each other.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi. I am so sorry you are depressed. Please see a doctor. Our kids sometimes cause us to need medication and it's no shame to take it.

In spite of your sadness and guilt please think hard about how bringing this dchild home would impact the rest of the family. He sounds dangerous. You have other kids.

Please don't make a hasty decision. Love and prayers.

 

[Crayola13]

It may not be a good idea for him to come home until you're sure he can change his behavior. Our neighbors next door are going through a similar situation. Their daughter, who is on parole, did something. They got a nasty letter from the homeowners' association stating they were violating the nuisance law.

I'm sorry because I know you miss him.

 

[Fairy dust]

I am so sorry you feel this way. I have been in your shoes. Due to safety concerns we had to remove our son at the age of 16. We had a daughter who was then 14 and who was being so negatively impacted by the behaviours of our son, he was violent to all of us. to ease my guilt I ensured he had access to housing and social welfare. Two years later we allowed him to move back in. Honeymoon for 6 months and then worse behaviours surfaced. He is now 32 and still needs to grow up. our family imploded, and husband and I divorced. the guilt of being a « failed » mom took me down and it wasn’t until I got into some serious therapy that I could begin to recover. Please think of the rest of your family and get some help for you. Your son needs to prove in a very big way that he has changed. Think of the guilt that you would feel if he harmed your other kids. His behaviour is his choice, not yours. Hugs to you.

 

[Nandina]

Helpless, When I have moments like you’re experiencing right now, where I am sad for my son’s living conditions and am almost tempted to let him move back home, I just think back to when he lived here. In my case there were drugs, money stolen, anger, kicked holes in walls and doors, disrespect, name-calling, lack of concern for anyone else, and total disregard for any rules of the house. Do any of those sound familiar to you? It just takes me a minute to reflect on those times and remember how miserable the entire family felt due to his behavior. He had several chances to change and each time, the “honeymoon” ended and the bad behaviors started again. When I remember those days, it is enough to change my mind about letting him come back into the home.

Please don’t let your guilt or depression influence your decision. If your son has not changed, your relief from his being back in the house will be short-lived. I agree with Busy. There are ways to treat depression with medication and I hope you’ll consider that.

Please keep posting; we are here for you.

With a hug, Nandina

 

[JayPee]

Helpless,
I'm sorry for your deep hurt and pain and maybe as some others have suggested you need to see your doctor. It's nothing to be ashamed of that you are having a hard time dealing with this.

I appreciate what Nandina said and I might suggest you take this a step further. Sit with yourself and a cup of tea and a journal. Reflect back and write down some instances where there was chaos in your home with your son. All those things, drugs, anger, punched holes in the walls, disrespect, name calling, police at your front door at any time of night, etc. were all the same things I experienced with one of my son's in particular. About 3 years ago I started journaling and put down a huge list of things my sons used to do and when I'm feeling that pit in my stomach because it's too hot outside, too cold outside and I worry about my younger son living in his car 24/7, this helps remind me of what I never, ever want to experience again. I did this not to remember the bad things about them but to bring me back to reality. We mothers tend to remember the little boy with the scuffed knee, floppy hair and red cheeks that used to come in from playing and running with friends outside. But the world and life has changed them and although you must remember the good it's important not to be naive and think they are like they used to be. Sadly, often times, it's just not the case anymore.

If nothing has changed with your son..then nothing will change. YOU must be the change. Push through the hurt. Fake it until you make it. Eventually, you will have moments where you feel "ok" and those moments will lengthen as you become healthier and take the focus off your son and back on to you. Treat yourself with loving kindness.

You can and will get through this. Sending hugs.

 

[ChickPea]

Helpless, When I have moments like you’re experiencing right now, where I am sad for my son’s living conditions and am almost tempted to let him move back home, I just think back to when he lived here. In my case there were drugs, money stolen, anger, kicked holes in walls and doors, disrespect, name-calling, lack of concern for anyone else, and total disregard for any rules of the house. Do any of those sound familiar to you? It just takes me a minute to reflect on those times and remember how miserable the entire family felt due to his behavior. He had several chances to change and each time, the “honeymoon” ended and the bad behaviors started again. When I remember those days, it is enough to change my mind about letting him come back into the home.

Hey hon. Sorry for what you're going through. I do like the suggestions of going through old posts or journals (or start journaling) about how having him live with you might (or has) affected you and whomever is still at home. You really DO have to take care of yourself. I have a hard time practicing what I preach though. Wish you well...

 

[JMom]

Helpless,

One thing that helped me was when a friend asked me to look at my son's behavior and ask myself "If this were a stranger, would I let them treat me like this, live in my house, affect my marriage, put my kids with them or try to solve their problems for them? If the answer is no, then consider where your priorities lie. A lot of times my priority was to feel batter, to remove the guilt. Unfortunately, I have a lot of regrets as my husband and other children have been greatly affected and not I have guilt for that and jump into problem solving for them. Luckily, they let me off the hook and dealt with their own issues. They were capable of that because they didn't have drug abuse problems like my son did.

I hope this helps, sometimes you just have to do what you can, but I might take a vote from the husband and kids. If you're outnumbered, please reconsider. These are just my perspective, take what id helpful and leave the rest. Take care of yourself, your family needs you to be healthy and well.
Love,
JMOM

 

[RN0441]

Helpless,

One thing that helped me was when a friend asked me to look at my son's behavior and ask myself "If this were a stranger, would I let them treat me like this, live in my house, affect my marriage, put my kids with them or try to solve their problems for them? If the answer is no, then consider where your priorities lie. A lot of times my priority was to feel batter, to remove the guilt. Unfortunately, I have a lot of regrets as my husband and other children have been greatly affected and not I have guilt for that and jump into problem solving for them. Luckily, they let me off the hook and dealt with their own issues. They were capable of that because they didn't have drug abuse problems like my son did.

I hope this helps, sometimes you just have to do what you can, but I might take a vote from the husband and kids. If you're outnumbered, please reconsider. These are just my perspective, take what id helpful and leave the rest. Take care of yourself, your family needs you to be healthy and well.
Love,
JMOM

Not to hijack thread but how are things with your son now Jmom? My son in college full time and working but while we were on vacation he drank margaritas here and also found a small bottle of whiskey in his room. Angry that he did that while we were gone knowing we do NOT approve. Poured it out and husband talking to him tonight. Just because he's doing some of what he is supposed to do does not mean this is in any way ok!!

 

[JMom]

Hi RN,

Not to hijack thread but how are things with your son now Jmom? My son in college full time and working but while we were on vacation he drank margaritas here and also found a small bottle of whiskey in his room. Angry that he did that while we were gone knowing we do NOT approve. Poured it out and husband talking to him tonight. Just because he's doing some of what he is supposed to do does not mean this is in any way ok!!

Hi RN,
He's good as far as working, promoting, paying for a nice condo and very nice girlfriend. I think he fell off the ledge for a short time but is back on track. He still smokes weed, which I have come to accept. We have pretty strong boundaries as he cannot do it around us or come over high. I am concerned about his drinking. He tries to stop smoking but always has a n alternative. I wish he could just wake up one morning and not need anything to cope. All in all he has a happy, full life. I've learned to stay out of his business-so that helps. Thank you for asking :0)
JMOM

 

[tryingtobestrong]

So much good advice here. Thank you

 

[WhyDoWeFallBruce?]

Helpless,
I'm sorry for your deep hurt and pain and maybe as some others have suggested you need to see your doctor. It's nothing to be ashamed of that you are having a hard time dealing with this.

I appreciate what Nandina said and I might suggest you take this a step further. Sit with yourself and a cup of tea and a journal. Reflect back and write down some instances where there was chaos in your home with your son. All those things, drugs, anger, punched holes in the walls, disrespect, name calling, police at your front door at any time of night, etc. were all the same things I experienced with one of my son's in particular. About 3 years ago I started journaling and put down a huge list of things my sons used to do and when I'm feeling that pit in my stomach because it's too hot outside, too cold outside and I worry about my younger son living in his car 24/7, this helps remind me of what I never, ever want to experience again. I did this not to remember the bad things about them but to bring me back to reality. We mothers tend to remember the little boy with the scuffed knee, floppy hair and red cheeks that used to come in from playing and running with friends outside. But the world and life has changed them and although you must remember the good it's important not to be naive and think they are like they used to be. Sadly, often times, it's just not the case anymore.

If nothing has changed with your son..then nothing will change. YOU must be the change. Push through the hurt. Fake it until you make it. Eventually, you will have moments where you feel "ok" and those moments will lengthen as you become healthier and take the focus off your son and back on to you. Treat yourself with loving kindness.

You can and will get through this. Sending hugs.

100% second this. Write it down. I did that when my kid lived here, and now I write down the history of us, including all the sad stuff. For him to read one day perhaps but mostly for me to remember what changes there has been along the way. And it does help!

 

[RN0441]

And coming here to "journal" can help us with this also. When I go back to what I wrote years ago I feel so sad for what my family was going through at that time and I feel grateful that we are not there any longer. Some take longer than others.