Feeling disheartened re daughter :-(

[Gone]

She is on her own roller coaster ride , my concentration is on the safety and security of my GS

I have advised her on the law on this matter and will probably remind her again! lol ( and then leave it at that )

She had a go at me today for not ''telling her to get her ar*e in gear and go to meetings and get treatment etc when she was drinking , she said I just ''did nothing'' and then abandoned her and left her to do it on her own

I already told her she has to do it on her own , for herself and I asked her was there ANYTHING I could have said to get her to stop drinking when she was drinking? .... And she said ''NO''..

Pretty much proves my point then , was there actually anything I could do? No , would nagging her have helped? No , advising her , which I did do? No , so in what capacity did she need me to be there for her as when I was and ''did nothing'' while I was there I was enabling her , when I left , I abandoned her she thinks , but I was trying to get her to get the help for herself and land on her own 2 feet for herself which I still do and my capacity at present is to ensure my GS's safety at all times , simple as , until our relationship is hopefully restored which hopefully will come in time alongside her complete and continued sobriety! x

 

[Gone]

A foster carer doesn't usually have to live with the MOTHER of the child in their care , they can just go about their daily routine all calm and undisturbed!

Social services don't LIVE WITH THEIR CLIENTS they can just pop in and out of the situation and write their reports etc ... I am the one who is ''left to it'' at all times ie see and keep an eye on my difficult child AND look after / make sure my GS is looked after / is safe from any harm or distress

I cannot do it seperately at present it seems and that is just the way it is or seems it will be

SS EXPECT me to step in , they don't seem bothered about the affect on MY HEALTH not being flipping SUPERWOMAN , so my focus HAS to be on my GS and try and leave my difficult child to do what she is doing , at least I can babysit when she goes to AA etc and yet the most difficult thing will be to ''keep the peace'' if things 'go wrong' re alcohol or cannabis and I would rather just remove my GS from that situation , that way I stay calm , he stays calm and everything is as 'normal' as possible in what unfortunately is NOT going to be a normal enviroment SO early into my difficult child's 'recovery' but as it was pointed out if she is not CLEAN she is not actually 'in recovery' yet so all the more worrying!!! :-( :-(

 

[2much2recover]

Even though you probably wouldn't mean it...............perhaps just being friendly and nice and no longer mentioning the "issues" and instead focusing on GS............ask difficult child (after being sweet as sugar) if you can have more time with GS at your house. When not feeling threatened, difficult child's usually, (who don't really want the responsibility anyway) will gladly let some one else "take over" if it seems that they are doing someone else a good turn. Anyway the point is to get her to think it is her idea to let GS spend more time with you at your house. Sometimes, when people are playing a delusional life of "honesty" we have to get down to their level, play the game at their level in order to get them to think that doing the right thing is their idea.

 

[2much2recover]

If you do decide to turn her in I suggest doing it anonymously! Just the facts, of I saw a car with people smoking pot, plate number and location

 

[Gone]

I would only turn her in if my GS was in the car

You are right it is a tentative situation and she could end up feeling her Mum has turned into a police officer or social worker! lol

Saying that there ARE concerns and I cannot pretent to MYSELF at least or SS that there AREN'T any!!

I will be happy not to mention her drinking or cannabis use but I will be watching her for my GS's sake!

I can do it as gently and discreetly as possible though although she always ''guesses it was me'' anyway but my worry is she kicks me out of her house and therefore my GS is left unprotected..

So it IS a dilemma for me but my GS's SAFETY comes first at all times

I will work with her though as we are meant to be a team as a family and I did used to have him at mine to give her a 'break' which she was grateful for and I won't PUSH it , just gently suggest it IF I feel the time is right as she feels ''social services are trying to take my kid'' but she ALSO feels ''My MUM is trying to take my kid'' which is NOT true - I would just RATHER he was with FAMILY rather than in foster care with a STRANGER but because she is annoyed with me for shopping her in the past she would RATHER he was a stranger out of spite and to make me suffer for my sins! lol

I am trying to be the responsible adult here , until she is well enough to be

It is EARLY days , she thinks coz she has stopped drinking now everything is going to be FINE but in reality I think there will be times where she is GLAD to have a break from little man as she is still unwell

MY HARD PART is to keep MYSELF well in all this , so have decided to attend a meeting for relatives once a week for the support as I know things are hard for my difficult child but sometimes HER illness makes ME ill and that is not good ( or FAIR ) as I have my own self / wellbeing to think about as well as my GS's so if I get ill in it all I am no good to / for HIM

SS EXPECT me to step in at all times though and monitor the situation for them and does ANYONE UNDERSTAND what a HARD role that is????????

 

[Gone]

Saying that it would be WORSE if I was at home WORRYING about how my GS is , but saying that there will probably be times once I have gone home and left her to it that I WILL worry

IF we were ''further along'' in this process and he was returned THEN it would be less worrying , the main concern is it is ''too early'' for her to remove him from care and almost ''experimental'' to ''see'' if she manages but if it was further along it would be much less concerning , so once again it is rock and hard place I am inbetween!

 

[Gone]

I don't think she is ready to have him , there is a high possibility it could go wrong thus make things worse for GS but there is a small possibility it could go RIGHT so that is what we have to work towards

I can do all I can do in her process of recovery but my role will be to ensure my GS is safe and well at all times

I can't ''make her well'' but I DO have to ensure that I stay well in the process whichever way it goes!!

 

[Gone]

I don't even know if I want my GS ''home for Christmas'' now , was ( am? ) looking forward to having him with us but because it feels ''too soon'' there is a high level of concern for the STRESS of it all..

A happy merry Christmas does not involve someone at such a TENTATIVE EARLY stage of their recovery being given sole responsibility of their child again!

And who suffers the ''brunt'' of it all??? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still AM as I am the one living IN REALITY , my difficult child ISN'T , so she is more optimistic and cheerful about everything but has an unrealistic picture about how things will be , she just wants to ''enjoy herself with her son'' BUT even THAT puts him at risk of DISTRESS as the places she takes him are FRAUGHT with disruption , chaos and stress so will calmly ask if little man can just 'stay home' with me while she goes and has fun with her mates etc without the responsibility of little man , if not I will have to come with her to ensure he is not subjected to any distress , we have to remember it is a little boy with special needs here WHO GETS DISTRESSED EASILY through no fault of his own , he hates noise and chaos and needs calm and peace so will take him out to the park and play football with him if it gets too stressful for him and to be honest I HATE chaos too!!!

 

[BusynMember]

As one who has a daughter who did recover, now going on over ten years, your daughter is not doing the things people in real recovery do. I would hesitate to call her in recovery. I will tell you what happened with my daughter when she finally actually was ready to recover...not the times she "quit", but she didn't really quit, and she kept hanging around with bad kids and others "pressured" her into using again. That isn't what recovery looks like. Plus your daughter is smoking weed. I'll tell you how I knew my daughter was finally serious.

First of all, she wanted desperately to get away from her "friends" and we sent her to Illinois to live with her straight-as-an-arrow brother who would tolerate nothing from her or she'd be on the street. She had already been kicked out of our house so it was good that he offered to give it a try, but with the stipulation she not even light up a cigarette in his house or she was out and she knew he meant it. She still went. And her brother, who is kind of an a******e wasn't going to offer her company either. He gave her the basement and that's where she had to stay, except when coming up to eat or use the bathroom.

When she first got there, she was detoxing in the basement by herself, although nobody knew it until later. Another thing we didn't know until later was the amount of drugs she had been using and what they were. We thought it was just pot. Nope. Try meth, psychodelics, cocaine, ADHD drugs crushed into a pillcrusher and snorted alone and/or with other drugs, downers for sleep, and even a few tries with heroin. I used to think you were addicted to heroin if you tried it just once. I guess it's not true. She did it twice and never again. But the point is, she, like almost all drug addicts, are very deceptive and we didn't know she was doing anything beyond smoking pot.

After the meth detoxing was done all alone, without her brother being aware of it, she received a list of rules she had to adhere to in order to stay at her brother's house. She followed everything without complaining, including working at a job that she had to walk to and back from, regardless of weather. She had to clean the house and cook, alternating with her brother and his roommates. She had to cough up rent. She made absolutely no arguments and did not defy him nor did she ever once try to contact her old druggie buddies in Wisconsin. She also made no druggie friends in Illinois. She was very lonely for a long time, but she did not want to hang with people who did "that sort of stuff" anymore. She was tired of the drug life and parties and, although very lonely, preferred her own company to that of anyone who did drugs. Eventually, she even quit smoking cigarettes and now she's one of those people you are not allowed to smoke cigarettes around, and never in her house. She is into natural stuff, organics and eastern medicine...kind of the opposite of what she was like before.

When she met her boyfriend, things got better for her as she had somebody. She is actually very shy which is a main reason she started using drugs. Drug using can make you popular. Sad but true. Now she's just a boring housewife with her boyfriends baby. Better parents I have never seen. She is very responsible. After her recovery, she got a loan for college and became a chef and even did some teaching at the community college she was at. She quit to stay home full time with Baby, since boyfriend has good job. She takes her mother role very seriously as does her boyfriend. The goofy rules about insurance here in the US is why they did not marry, but they have been monogamous for eleven or so years now and he's one of the family. I saw both of them grow up...they were both very immature when they met. Of course, in Daughter's case, drug use retards your emotional growth and you need to catch up, but she did it rather quickly. He was just immature. But he grew up with her. It's a cute story, really.

Serious people in recovery do not hang around with drug users. It's way too tempting. Recovery is a lifestyle change...a complete lifestyle makeover. It does take time, but you don't get sober and sane hanging around with high and crazy people, even if they are in the family. Seems like some of the family thinks this lifestyle is ok and she favors them. When she is truly better and not using, she will find them boring.

Sometimes I am too frank and maybe I'm going to be too frank now. Although everyone hopes your daughter will recover and be a capable mother one day, and although that could happen, right now she is a horrible mother. She is unfit to be a mother to any child, let alone one with special needs. My son with high functioing autism got autism, they think, because his birthmother used drugs and drank while pregnant. I don't know if your daughter did so or not, but, if so, she contributed to his disabilities, yet is doing nothing to help him learn how to deal with normal life and having Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). My son was in interventions from the time he was born. At least his birthmother knew she couldn't raise him and took off. Not saying your daughter should have done that, but she in my opinion, if she truly cared about his well being before yours, should sign custody over to you rather than dragging him who knows where to see who knows who. I don't know, nobody knows, if your daughter will ever be a fit mother, but if something doesn't happen soon, it may be too late for your grandson if she ever is. He needs special interventions for autistic kids and he needs predictability and knowing what is coming next. He needs you.

If social services is not the only game in time, and you can go to a lawyer, I strongly suggest trying to get custody, even if it alienates your daughter. Sometimes, when little kids are involved, we have to play Bad Cop to our grown children. Now I don't know if this is even a possible way to getting legal custody of your grandson in the UK. If it is, well, think of the little guy growing up the way he is being forced to because your daughter is too selfish to take good care of him or give you control over him. That would be the noble, moral thing to do, in my opinion. There is no up side in grandson's life to being in her custody. She is about herself and her needs, not his. YOU are the one who is concerned about him. YOU are the one who loves him in the right way. YOU are the one who is looking out for him.

And he knows it.

I guess I'm just writing down some ideas as I am not sure what options are open in the UK and I don't know if you even have the stomach to take on your grown daughter. Many parents do not have the stomach to fight against one's own child, even for a grandchild. Without a doubt, this is tricky and ugly and there is no way to make it nice.

At any rate, I admire what you are doing to try to look after your grandson. He would be so much better off in your loving care all the time.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[Gone]

Thanks MidwestMom - It is a HORRIBLE situation

It all 'started' in March after 2 close family members died suddenly within a week of each other , she hit the bottle HARD , she already had a drink problem before that but it descended into hard core alcoholism after these events , plus the 3rd loss of her sisters baby didn't help matters grief-wise but then to descend into the pit of drinking hell to deal with the pain and loss and grief is NOT a good move but was her coping strategy before along with other drugs

When she first had my GS she was a HOMELY girl , didn't really drink or go out , was in a new area where she knew no one so only had family visits etc and was very much focused on my GS , even later on when she moved to another area and made new friends things weren't TOO bad but she has always had problems with mixing with the wrong crowd and the consequences which come with it

She always tended to want to ''walk on the wild side'' whereas her sister is the absolute OPPOSITE , very calm , rational , responsible at all times , good Mum etc

Younger one has always been 'in trouble' but she DID seem to ''settle'' once my GS was born although she did struggle at times the fact that she was on her own with him and seeing to his special needs

I was always there as much as I could be but ALCOHOL seemed to always rear its ugly head , saying that I used to drink socially and did some partying myself so I have had to look at my own previous poor choices of lifestyle too!!

It wasn't my ''hook'' to my difficult child's extent though and I wasn't into drugs , just didn't realise how something portrayed as ''innocent'' ie drinking at a celebration , drinking at extended family get togethers , drinking when friends came round etc and on Birthdays and Christmas it seemed so ''normal'' but it WASN'T , my difficult child had a drinking PROBLEM which ended up her being an alcoholic in the end after the bereavements of last year

Thing is it seems to me she doesn't WANT to be on her own , perhaps on her own the ''thoughts'' start ie she has to start FACING things , dealing with things , facing the pain and emotions etc

Your difficult child has done so well she must have been through HELL on her own in that downstairs basement but WE go through a HELL OF OUR OWN due to the AFFECT their alcohol / drug abuse has on US and the family as a whole

I have cried alone , screamed alone , dealt with all my PAIN alone .... Yes I get support sometimes thankfully but I have had to FACE THE REALITY OF EVERY EMOTION MY difficult child's behaviour and drinking etc has caused and I hate to say 'caused' but I didn't cause this suffering and nor did my GS!!!

We , especially HE was and is the innocent victim in this

Right now she just ''wants her son back'' and that is all she is thinking about not the REALITY of that situation SO EARLY ON , so potentially MORE SUFFERING TO COME FOR HIM AND ME so all I can do right now is BE THERE for HIM to protect him and make sure he is getting the right level of care at all times coz if my difficult child isn't doing it I WILL

But then stepping in and doing stuff for her I would expect to see some IMPROVEMENT , not worsening of the situation as if it worsens I will HAVE to ask SS if we can go to court for a guardianship order for life possibly!

I have been consistent , I have been there , I have grassed up my own difficult child and still DO & I face the consequences of it ( ie abuse ) but it is ALL for my GS's sake as SOMEONE has to take good care of him and give him the genuine love and care and security and stability he needs and if it is NOT going to be my difficult child it will HAVE to be me , just hope in time SS see my worth as in I CAN DO IT and do it WELL but they haven't even given me a chance as yet!

They said the plan is from foster care back to Mum but if it is too soon which I reckon it IS and it all goes pear shaped AGAIN I DO NOT WANT LITTLE MAN MOVED FROM PILLAR TO POST ie back to foster care again after being HOME of all places with NANNY AND MUMMY only to be whisked away again!!!

But that all depends on my difficult child - I am doing my bit , have even fallen out with family members over this as my sister THINKS I AM BEING TO HARSH WITH MY difficult child and ''All she needs is love'' Well if I love her with YOUR wishy washy form of love my GS will be lost to THE WHOLE FAMILY for good!

At least this way there is a CHANCE she can get him back once fully recovered but if I am too soft on her then it is pointless I might as well kiss her , kiss the drugs , kiss the alcohol , kiss the harm , kiss the abuse , kiss the f****ing DESTRUCTION it causes and SAY I LOVE IT!!!

I have had to withdraw from my sister today as she thinks I am being a cruel Mum and is kissing my difficult child's ar*e but she ALWAYS does this anyway , runs after the WRONG VICTIM when the REAL victim here is one innocent little boy with special needs!!!

( And his Grandmother , her own SISTER )

 

[Gone]

She wants me to tell my difficult child I am proud of her , well I am proud if she has stopped drinking now but it is EARLY DAYS ....I CANNOT say I am proud of my difficult child for neglecting my GS , CAUSING HIM SUFFERING , harming the emotional health of the WHOLE family who are worried about her and this whole situation re my GS

The ONLY person my sister seems to be concerned about is my difficult child , not the only time she has run after the wrong person and supported them , not the victim - When I was robbed in my home she sent the theif a message saying she hopes they can become freinds and although they don't talk much on Facebook she would like to TALK TO HER MORE

I fell out over that but she is always stabbing me in the back and betraying me , just at the time I turn to her for HELP she turns away from me and runs after the one who is upsetting me or stressing me out and offers THEM her support with no regard to MY feelings or what I am going through or what a young 7 year old boy is going through , it's ''poor *****'' ( my difficult child's name ) no anger over the stress and suffering she has caused her SISTER or one VERY innocent little boy , no compassion for HIM , JUST MY difficult child , she says the thief is the victim because the one doing the 'bad thing' is suffering the most - I get they are ILL or whatever but how about showing the REAL VICTIMS some ******* compassion , not licking the arse of the one who made victims of others? Oh but they just need love and to be told you're proud of them - I am NOT proud of my difficult child right now , hopefully one day I will be but this wishy washy sh*t has got my goat!!! lol

 

[Gone]

My sister has some real issues by the way

BUT I CAN'T BE ARSKED WITH IT RIGHT NOW!

( Thanks for your support sis , not , no support whatsoever and in fact make me feel WORSE!! )

 

[BusynMember]

Ok.

I have such a dysfunctional family and don't have contact with any of my DNA connections, as I call them, except for my biological son. Everyone else in my life is not a DNA relative...my husband and wonderful, precious adopted children and some friends.

My first suggestion is to stop sharing with family. If you need to share, share with a therapist. Your family, like most families I know, judge, scold, criticize, rant and rarely help or have the understanding to help. They also have no knowledge of HOW to help...that's why professionals are better. They don't gossip and scold you and they are trained to help in difficult situations, like yours. I wouldn't tell even your kissing cousin about your daughter/GS situation anymore. They don't need to know. If they ask, my answer would be kind of like my philosophy "Less is More." Psychologists are good also because they are not enmeshed in the family and can be impartial observers. I strongly advise you to get one just for YOU.

Aunt Millie: So what is going on with difficult child now? I think you ought to give her a milion bucks, a car, and tell her she is doing great 24/7.

Here is a short example of how I've learned to make uncomfortable and abusive interactions go away. See below

Aunt Hilda: (scolding voice) How horrible! Jenny has actually stopped drinking for three weeks and you don't even tell her how proud you are of her! Well! Although she doesn't work and she still smokes pot and she neglects her child and she won't grow up, you need to keep telling her how wonderful she is, as if she were six years old. DO YOU UNDERSTAND????

You: You know, from now on my difficult child is an off limits topic to other people, even family. So tell me about that project of yours at work?

Don't get drawn if. If the person persists say firmly, "I'm going to have to go now. Bye." And either hang up or leave. Don't do it with anger. Just be firm. People get the message if you are consistent and firm. This doesn't need to be family gossip time. It's a painful situation between two adults...your daughter and you. Nobody else should have input and nobody else needs knowledge. Again, I suggest therapy for feedback.

Secondly, and this is the hardest to accept, but it is a universal truth...often in life there is nothing you can do about the situation. It sounds like SS is going to decide who gets custody of your grandson and you aren't going to have any input. It also sounds as if your daughter is really not changed yet in any meaningful way and doesn't have insight into her child. She just wants him...maybe she likes his attention. You can't change any of that. None of it. You also can not protect your grandson unless you have sole legal custody of him. Your daughter takes him to places where he shouldn't be. He does not have stability. As much as you love him, you have no control over him, no matter how much you kiss up to your daughter. Three weeks and weed and still hanging with druggy friends/relatives is not a recovery or a lifestyle change that will make things better.

You deserve a life and to have a little fun with your own friends and the part of your family that you enjoy and with your hobbies and things you love to do, but dont' do because you are so busy trying to control your daughter. You can maybe talk her into some things, but it seems she basically goes her own way and that she is not even growing up. Do you pay all of her expenses? Does she have a job? If she did you could babysit while she was gone and she'd be off the streets during business hours. If it were me, to live with me she would need to work and I'd cut off the money train that keeps our difficult children so young. She will not get more responsible if you take care of her finances. You can certainly buy GS clothes, toys, whatever. You don't have to pay for difficult children cell phone, interent, food, clothes, car, gas, etc.

Of course you have to do what you think is right, but you ARE entitled to a life. As long as somebody else is legally in charge of your grandson, you can not shape his life too much. Certainly, surely you can take him whenever this is offered, but there are many times when it isn't offered and you can't decide to get him help for autism and he is not getting the stability he needs and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. It is your daughter's fault. And SS isn't helping either by not seeing that this child needs a stable placement and I do think YOU deserve it. But if you can't control it...if they think your daughter's lifestyle is ok with them and that he belongs in foster care more than with you...you can't do anything about it. So you may as well start to enjoy your life again.

You have another child. Please don't neglect having good times with her for this one. So many times our difficult children suck all the air out of us and we start to neglect everyone and everything else we hold precious because we are so bogged down with the needs of our difficult child and in this case her son. But there is more to your life than either of them. Having a wait-and-see attitude may be best with GS. Someday you may get custody. But right now you don't have it.And right now your daughter has allegedly been sober from alcohol only three short weeks and she is still smoking weed so she's not sober. Am I judging her? No. I'm just a big believer in looking at the picture and accepting it for what it is.

I hope you get professional therapy and learn how to cope with this situation that way. They know what to do. Right now you are torn in so many directions and sound so fragmented and stressed. That is no way to live. You have to stay healthy and strong for, not just your grandson, but for others who love you and for yourself too! YOU MATTER. YOUR LIFE MATTERS.

Hugs and I hope you go for help.

 

[Gone]

I could do without more anger and hurt on top of my pain , so am cutting my sister off which I should have done a long time ago but kept giving her chance after chance only for her to do it again and then SHE plays victim again ''bad horrible sister not talking to her again!'' LOL!!!

She needs to go and sort out her stuff as well as my difficult child - I have been and AM dealing with ALL my painful stuff the best I can to be ONE stable person in the midst of all this ruddy 'abnormality' as it is NOT a 'normal situation' at ALL and I CANNOT accept it as 'normal' or run after the one doing harm and lick their ar*se!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Haha. Good for you. I gave my sister too many chances too. Since she always ended up cutting me off for periods of time, I finally gave up. Some people are impossible to have relationships with.

 

[Gone]

I was thinking of joining a families anonymous group for some support , you are right , strangers and people who understand are often better than family

I do not support my difficult child financially at all , she pays her own way with everything and knows she has to

Her mobile phone is cut off right now and so be it

She has a car but if she cannot afford it's upkeep she will have to sell it

Yes , my family are messed up and I have to realise I will get NO SUPPORT from them!!!

I turned to my sister for support and ENCOURAGEMENT and of course got neither , she is my older sister so I like the thought of having ''big sis to look up to'' but it is not like that unfortunately

She didn't ASK how things were , she NEVER asks how things are and I find that WORSE , her lack of concern , she just doesn't want to know and when I DO tell her coz I want some support myself I get zilch and I end up with extra anger and feeling worse

I know I cannot change the situation , have just decided to do my BEST and that is all I can do! The rest is up to difficult child and SS so I have to leave them to it in a way but hope they SEE I have my GS's absolute best interests at heart and WILL safeguard him completely etc - Have done all SS have asked and more and you are right that is ALL I can do

Am off to visit my older daughter and 2 year old GD tomorrow and YES I have been neglecting them in the past as the ''family crisis'' took over , my difficult child is a walking crisis sometimes LOL BUT I DO have to concentrate on my own life , haven't been out hardly at all since the real hard stuff began but am going out to a pub on Thursday , won't be drinking myself , have completely gone off the stuff at the moment , but just to SOCIALISE with others will be nice and I won't DISCLOSE stuff , that I will keep for the professionals like you said plus on here and the famanon group which I feel will help me A LOT , much more than family members to be honest and at least as you say I can ENJOY those family members I DO enjoy eg my older daughter and little GD and I get on ok with some other extended family members too who lead peaceful lives and believe in living a clean life etc

I do just want to be healthy which is so hard in these circumstances but am working on it , doing my best , dealing with things , trying to move forward in it which I feel I am as it has been ongoing for 9 months solid now and I do need some respite sometimes!

Doing stuff for me , enjoying my home which I do , but have to deal with the UNKNOWN best I can as it is worrying knowing madam wants to take my GS in under 2 WEEKS TIME which is LOOMING so having a clear plan of how to handle the situation makes me feel calmer , a solid plan , stick to it , get on with it and keep moving on forward , not saying it is not stressful as it is - I think I need a ''massage therapist'' saw a ''hair therapist'' ( hairdresser lol ) last week and need to do nice things for me to help me keep going and to concentrate on myself , but it has been hard , I can't say it has not!! x