Feeling down ...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Pandora, Nov 20, 2008.

  1. Pandora

    Pandora Member

    I talked to my son last night ... he described his daily recess at school as being one where he is completely alone as no one will play with him.

    I felt so bad for him that today I took him out during recess and lunch. husband and I took him to the mall, we got McDonald's and looked at the Christmas decorations. husband said "But he still has no one to play with" and said he doesn't think I should do things like this more than once a week. Maybe he is right.
  2. threebabygirls

    threebabygirls New Member

    Those kinds of stories always break my mommy heart. ((hugs)) to your son, and to you and your husband as well.
  3. Pandora

    Pandora Member

    Am I wrong to consider doing this more than once a week?
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Pandora: What is his diagnosis and how old is he?

  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Is lunch first? If so, maybe bringing him back early with his McDonald toy to show the other kids? Usually when a kid walks in a room with something in his or her hand, there is usually one child curious enough to come look.

    I understand where husband is coming from - if there is not an opportunity, then the playing will not happen.

    I also see where going out for lunch with mom is a very special time that he will remember all his life - a favorite memory of school.

    I think more than once per week is o.k.
  6. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    Hugs to you and son. I know what it feels like to have your kiddo playing all by themselves. Lonely indeed.

    What I have found with my girl, is one day she is out and then the next day she is in again. Girls tend to say something mean and it is major drama and then poof it disappears and everything is right in the world.

    It would be helpful to all of us on the board if you did a signature at the bottom of your posts, so we know what is going on with your child. Go to user cp and scroll down to signature. It helps us get to know you and your child better.

    Hopefully things will be looking better for you soon. ;)
  7. Pandora

    Pandora Member

    He has ADHD rather severely. He has been diagnosed since kindergarden. We put him on Concerta in first grade when his violent behavior and failure to keep up with his class became intolerable. The medication has done miracles for him academically, however he remains a social outcast because of his behavior.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I know exactly how you are feeling. My difficult child struggled with this exact issue for years. It was so hard to hear of the anxiety attacks she'd have during recess, or how she'd wind up in nurses's office due to them. How she had no one to talk to at lunch, how she never even ate her lunch.

    So, yes It can be hard. I did as you did and gave in one day and took her out to lunch and out of that environment. She was so so thrilled I did that.

    Yet I wouldn't do it more than once a week if i were you, yet I only did it that once. Shortly thereafter the right medication we chose accompanied with therapy and now she has a lunch buddy and plays at recess the past 3 weeks, it's a whole new life.

    I would like to know also how old and is your girlfriend diagnosed with anything right now??

  9. Pandora

    Pandora Member

    He is 8 years old, in third grade. ADHD.
  10. threebabygirls

    threebabygirls New Member

    The "mama bear" in me would want to "rescue" my baby every day, if any of my girls was in the same position. However, I think that would be wrong. Once a week, or twice maximum, sounds good. I agree with Adrianne and the opportunity thing.
    Are there any kids in your neighborhood, or in his class who know him a little bit better than the others that you could have over for a play date? Sort of to encourage a friendship? Maybe if even just one child saw him in a different environment, things would improve.
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Aww we're in 4th grade, difficult child that is. So, is he going for any type of therapy at this point? you said the medication's are truly helping. Is it due to behavior or the reputation from past behaviors that have unfortunately formed that is leaving him friendless at lunch?? i know it's so so hard to see them hurting. by the way the only reason I just did it once with my difficult child is because she also has school refusal so if i did it more than one time she'd push everyday for it
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Also, Adrianne had great ideas. I just thought of one does the school run any type of programs for kids with similar issues? That's how my difficult child made her first friend, through a group when she was at her worst actually.
  13. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    My school sometimes does counselling with a few students together during lunch. Could you ask your school if it has a counsellor that would do a social skills type of group to help your difficult child make a friend or two? It could help him out for that lunch but it might help him find a friend within the group for the other days.
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, this part of parenting is so hard. It sure pulls at our heart strings. I know many schools will work at helping kids with friendship issues. I would definitely bring it to their attention.
  15. Pandora

    Pandora Member

    I believe my son understands he needs to be in school because he needs to learn and needs some of the structure school provides. However, I believe he would rather not be there because it is so lonely for him. He has a very bad reputation with the other kids because of his behavior both past and present. The school psychologist has begun seeing him; she was extremely helpful with daughter who had some of the same issues.

    I do not know if he'd push not to return to school after lunch, though I am sure he doesn't want to.
  16. ML

    ML Guest

    The counseling at lunch is a good idea. Last year manster did that with some other kids and they called it "social group" or something like that. He liked it a lot. He has friends but most of them girls and the drama thing totally gets in the way. I wish he would "play" more with the boys but girls are more accepting at the same time as they are rejecting. For instance one day he's "in" and the next he's "out". He has one friend that's a boy and I encourage this friendship a lot.

    Balance. Once or twice a week is probably fine. Maybe he could invite someone to go with you at some point?

    Good luck!

  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Once a wk sounds fine to me. It would be "Mom's Day" and that way he could have the other days for specially arranged groups (as mentioned above) or to maybe eat at his desk if the teacher lets him.
    At some point, outcast or not, he will not think it's cool for you to be there, so you may as well enjoy it while you can.
    Good luck.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think I would have to base it on my instincts. I would ask school to help him, maybe help him break into some group games with supervision? There must be some way the adults at school can help him socially. School is about a LOT more than just academics.

    I know I spent grades 3-6 sitting alone most recesses and lunchtimes. We didn't have a counsellor, and back then no one ever tried to help me break into the social stuff. I was very shy, very smart, and by 6th grade very bored. My mom said that the teachers told her that the kids would play with me but I never asked.

    I didn't know HOW to ask.

    I sat and read a book because the worlds in books were never closed to me. I was hopeless at sports (by hopeless I mean they did remedial gym with me for a couple of years - as early as first grade - and our school didn't have much funds for remedial anything. You had to be REALLY bad to get that.). I also didn't know why anyone WANTED to run around after a ball, or try to hit a ball with a stick. (I don't really know why to this day, but I can do some of that stuff now.)

    I know your heart breaks for your son. And that having him out at lunch isn't feasible for every day. But once a week doesn't seem bad, more often if it has a positive effect on the rest of his day.

    Have you considered picking up a pizza and taking it into the cafeteria with him? There will be at LEAST one other kid who comes over to chat and share! Esp with boys that age. Maybe if he had a "lunch buddy" and you brought them pizza once a week then he would start to make friendships?
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Pandora, I meant to tell you how much I love your Addams Family quote!!! LOL. Very appropos.
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Pandora - so what did you do with the box? (oh i see you let someone in MY house open it -gosh thanks) :tongue:

    I am the original social outcast. And that pain doesn't go away with time or selfworth or self assuredness. It's there - always to remind me to be humble.

    In second grade my Mom also did the "McD's" and that was HUGE then - Mc'D's wasnt that old. lol (showing my age here ladies) and it backfired. She brought it to the classroom during our lunch and I got mocked and teased even more. So do I think the Mom and me lunch in third grade with a social outcast boy helps? mmmmmm not really. Why? okay -

    He loves you - he really does, BUT you're his Mom. While YOU and I think that we are doing him a HUGE favor - maybe incurring some jealousy with little boys in his class or thinking this gets him at LEAST out with someone who WILL play with him - I would venture to say in his 8 year old heart it's not what he wants. He wants them to like him and the way that happens is by him behaving. Which he doesn't seem to be able to Dooooooo so it's quite a catch 22.

    I would have a serious talk with the school counselor - at that age he/she is going to be very much more used to dealing with stuff like this and have really good, viable suggestions. Also - do you think he cares about anything? Like Riding bikes or chess, or swimming? The YMCA is a great place for kids to learn how to socially interact with kids their own age. Karate classes are good - heck even learning how to play a musical instrument.

    But - for the moment - while I think what you are doing is healing for your hurting heart? I dont' think it's doing anything for him other than giving him an OUT for his natural consequence from his behavior. Maybe once a month - but not once a week. IMVHO.

    Check with the counselor - really. And with the Y......

    I can tell you from my heart that I know how badly this hurts you - it hurt MY Mom too. It DID build character - and anyone here can tell you - I am CERTAINLY a character.